at the beginning of the new year

What did I do to welcome the first moments of the new year 2013? I stayed up, waiting for Daniel to wake up from putting Declan to bed, and spent the time watching a documentary on the Chinese artist Ai Wei Wei, called Ai Wei Wei: Never Sorry. It brought back a lot of memories of our time in China, and why we left it. That the only reason why I hail from Taiwan and not China is due to the circumstances of my grandparents often makes me wonder if I would care more about the future of China or care more about the reform of the PROC government if I had grown up in the mainland instead of its better parallel universe. Maybe? Probably? I don't really know. I've met enough Chinese people who just want to get the hell out of their country that I couldn't honestly say I would be brave and selfless like Ai Weiwei and his counterparts.

There were some fireworks at the stroke of midnight, but other than that, it is as my friend Mark said: "Israelis are confused about the new year; there are no countdowns and plenty of Santa hats." New year's eve is just another ordinary day here, although I noticed lots of retail stores at the Grand Canyon on new year's eve had 50% sales. Daniel's mom bought a summer shirt for me at American Eagle that could potentially help me breastfeed more discreetly even in the anticipated Israeli heat.

Still pregnant. I had been so nervous about giving birth prematurely i.e. before December 27 i.e. would have needed to birth at a hospital instead of the home birth I'd planned that making it to December 27 had been my only real concern up to that point. This mentality leads now to an adjusted new mentality that, oh, I'm not actually going to give birth right away. Oh, there's a possibility that I might in fact be "late" again. With Declan, I finally gave birth at 41.5 gestation weeks, after feeling like I would be pregnant forever. With this baby, I once again have absolutely no clue. I'm getting used to the idea of giving birth even as late as January 31st, though. And now that I've accepted this state of hip and lower region pain, physical immobility, and uncomfortable nights of broken sleep as something I may have to endure for another month, tops, I am for the most part okay with waiting some more.

It might have to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy, God willing. I'm content with having a son and a daughter and four people in my immediate family. Maybe one adoption later on down the road... but truthfully, I'm pretty certain I want a career outside of the home while at the same time not wanting to put my kids in daycare. Which means that any attempt for further professional work is contingent upon the burgeoning independence of my children. Which means that if I have yet another child, that's at least three more years where I stay at home, glad for the opportunity to nurture my own children yet feeling really restless and disconnected from the world at large as well.