pushing up the boulder of sisyphus

Sometimes that's what it feels like to take care of a place in dusty-aired China. If I ever live in the States again, I will never complain about doing dishes. It would be a luxury to not have to bend over a tiny sink and meticulously attempt to soap and wash everything without water dripping all over the floor so that I have to mop up and wash my feet after every session. And a washer and dryer! These contraptions, once taken so for granted, now seem like sci-fi magic-ma-jigs that maybe I'll get to experience again in the year 2040 when technology becomes more advanced. Once my son becomes potty-trained, this part should become easier. I wonder when that will be.

To rub salt into this (not really) wound, the many young working professionals (read: single and without children) often call me with fairly last-minute requests to help teach or do things since they figured I have nothing to do all day except "just watching the kid." This is true, in general, except their tone seems to convey their belief that this is somehow an idyllic vacation that I'm living:

"So, what else do you do all day besides looking after your son?"

"Hm... That's basically what I do all day."

"Oh, that's it?"

I could go into details about what that consists of, but I do recall to my shame that I pretty much felt as they did before I started babysitting a lot for my now-goddaughter and her sister.

Oh wellz. I don't need anyone's approval or understanding but God's. So after planning and leading my small group through our activity night, still trying to find time and energy to translate for a friend's dad's factory, and leading a group to visit the orphan's hospital tomorrow, I think it's all right if I said no to something I'm not really all that good at anyway last night, right? Yes. Let me get off this performance treadmill.

yay for small blessings

My husband's rigged up a proxy for this particular computer so I could access blogger more frequently (among other things). Hurray! I catch up on the websites I follow, and am astounded by so many things happening in other people's lives.

My own life is pretty placid in comparison. I take care of the apartment, our dinners, the child. I read when I have the time and clean as much as I could. Our house church here is starting to partner with an orphan's hospital. The only hospital for orphans in the entire province of Zhejiang, 20 minutes by bus from where I live. I held a baby who's awaiting a cleft palate operation; I wanted to take her home so she could belong to a loving family instead of mostly lying on a cot by herself all day. Our pastor's wife delivered their third child last Tuesday, and they're heavily fined for not opting for an abortion instead. We the church are helping them at this time.

It took a long time for my professional ambition to die, or at least, go completely dormant without the bursts of intense mourning of my personal goals in life. Which had never included a husband, kids, building a home. Quite the opposite--I dreamed of being free and completely independent during all the nights I rubbed my swollen, beaten wrists/arms/wherever while crying softly to sleep in bed.

Strangely, I feel more at peace now. I am learning to have a more thankful heart and be content in all circumstances (beginning with this one).

some days call for spending money like money

Today consisted of my son waking up two hours earlier than usual, which meant that by the time we should be heading to the bus stop to attend church service, he's ready to nurse and nap. Which he did. Then my husband started spewing bodily products on both ends (sorry for the tmi) in the early afternoon. Followed by my son melting again with need to nap. So. Both of them retired to the family bed and slept for the rest of the afternoon and the better part of the night. After they woke, I thought it might be good for us to get some fresh air and we ended up here. In a Western-style coffee shop that served panini and have internet that allows me to link up my vpn.

We paid 80RMB, which divided by 6.4 is the actual US price. Adjusting for my husband's current salary and thus our buying power, however, it's akin to dropping US$40 for a shot of expresso and two thin sandwiches. But the internet! And the getting out of the house! And the husband feeling much better!

Worth it. Just for tonight.