A friend just stopped by briefly with a huge flower bouquet, will-be-greatly-enjoyed presents for Petra and the family, as well as financial support for marriage counseling. She'll also babysit the kids while the husband and I go to said counseling.
This reminds me of the flowers and gifts friends and family abroad sent during my bedrest, and the notes of encouragement and concern as well now.
If nothing else, I'm learning that I do have people who genuinely care about me. That I am cared for, even though I'm physically far away from so many of my friends and even though everyone's life is full.
I really appreciate it. I don't know why I need so much help. I know I don't deserve so much kindness. Thank you, friends, for wanting to help and really helping and accepting me in my brokenness. Thank You, God, for filling my life with so many great people who're willing to sit in the ashes with me.
I hope I can become just as encouraging, loving, and helpful to those in need around me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
every time every single time
It's pretty clear to me now that my husband doesn't respect me. At least certainly doesn't think me equal to himself. It became crystal clear today after years of confusion, hurt, and attempts to make myself be understood--to understand things myself--when I tried to make myself be understood for the last time. As I vented, once again, about how incredibly deserted I felt last night to be waiting again in vain for backup help with the baby and so I could start on my usual two hours' worth of chores before I sleep around 1am or 2am, he replied, "You think you're better than me, huh. Talking to me with that smirk on your face."
Smirk? When I could not possibly be any sadder or feel more lonely ever in my life? It didn't even make sense, for him to focus on whether I thought I was better than he is or not. Unless the primary concern in any of our exchanges is who has the upper hand at the moment. Who is In the Right.
It all makes sense now. When I had been desperately making sacrifices, trying to make things work between us, his inability to understand just how desperate I'm becoming is because he's focusing on who is superior. And of course, he wins every time hands down because I gave more of a damn.
Well, not anymore.
That time in Zurich when I spent the whole Saturday after an entire week already of taking care of the kids by myself in an expensive foreign country, waiting while the kids played at an amusement park in the suburbs--periodically pestering complete strangers to use their smartphone to message him our whereabouts then leaving time, only to return to our hotel at the end of the day to find that, other than one facebook message asking where I was, he spent the rest of the supposed promised day off blithely hanging out with people he's already hung out with for the entire week.
Edited to add after original posting: The cherry on top was that the next day I got apprehended then fined by the Zurich police for not buying the right tram ticket to the airport. I and only I. He bought the correct ticket for himself. Just remembered this. How the hell did I get over this?
That time when we were getting married when I spent the whole day repeatedly trying to track down my groom because the wedding schedule couldn't wait and my friends who're helping to run the wedding with me were asking where the groom was so we could get on with the program but he was busy returning to hang out with his buddies, making sure they were having a ball.
That time I tried to help him with school documents and math department procedures, and he treated me with 1/10000th of the respect he would have shown the department secretaries, and when I protested, he resolved the task at hand by contacting other department people without caring that his ignoring me was the equivalent of saying "Who needs you?"
Many times when I really would prefer not to do certain life-changing things, but he used religious or moral arguments to strong-arm me into situations I really was not and am not comfortable with but that he really wanted for himself. And the many times that I was signaling, begging, and then demanding for his presence of mind or physical support with the family and I must wait patiently or impatiently as he continues to hover over his beloved laptop or acquaintances he's busy conversing with. One of these times, the kids ended up pouring out two entire nearly-full tanks of floor cleaning products and were slipping and sliding in them in the bathroom while he was in the other room on his computer as I returned home from updating my resume at an office.
I do not deny that I have played a part in all this. He could not have succeeded in making me feel as trashy and wasted as I do now without my consent, no matter how half-hearted. It's just that today, I finally see the root reason for why it keeps happening, and I really do not deserve this. I am not lesser than.
Everything in our relationship makes sense now. It also makes my stomach turn every time I really think about it, but it's good to have that clarity going forward.
Smirk? When I could not possibly be any sadder or feel more lonely ever in my life? It didn't even make sense, for him to focus on whether I thought I was better than he is or not. Unless the primary concern in any of our exchanges is who has the upper hand at the moment. Who is In the Right.
It all makes sense now. When I had been desperately making sacrifices, trying to make things work between us, his inability to understand just how desperate I'm becoming is because he's focusing on who is superior. And of course, he wins every time hands down because I gave more of a damn.
Well, not anymore.
That time in Zurich when I spent the whole Saturday after an entire week already of taking care of the kids by myself in an expensive foreign country, waiting while the kids played at an amusement park in the suburbs--periodically pestering complete strangers to use their smartphone to message him our whereabouts then leaving time, only to return to our hotel at the end of the day to find that, other than one facebook message asking where I was, he spent the rest of the supposed promised day off blithely hanging out with people he's already hung out with for the entire week.
Edited to add after original posting: The cherry on top was that the next day I got apprehended then fined by the Zurich police for not buying the right tram ticket to the airport. I and only I. He bought the correct ticket for himself. Just remembered this. How the hell did I get over this?
That time when we were getting married when I spent the whole day repeatedly trying to track down my groom because the wedding schedule couldn't wait and my friends who're helping to run the wedding with me were asking where the groom was so we could get on with the program but he was busy returning to hang out with his buddies, making sure they were having a ball.
That time I tried to help him with school documents and math department procedures, and he treated me with 1/10000th of the respect he would have shown the department secretaries, and when I protested, he resolved the task at hand by contacting other department people without caring that his ignoring me was the equivalent of saying "Who needs you?"
Many times when I really would prefer not to do certain life-changing things, but he used religious or moral arguments to strong-arm me into situations I really was not and am not comfortable with but that he really wanted for himself. And the many times that I was signaling, begging, and then demanding for his presence of mind or physical support with the family and I must wait patiently or impatiently as he continues to hover over his beloved laptop or acquaintances he's busy conversing with. One of these times, the kids ended up pouring out two entire nearly-full tanks of floor cleaning products and were slipping and sliding in them in the bathroom while he was in the other room on his computer as I returned home from updating my resume at an office.
I do not deny that I have played a part in all this. He could not have succeeded in making me feel as trashy and wasted as I do now without my consent, no matter how half-hearted. It's just that today, I finally see the root reason for why it keeps happening, and I really do not deserve this. I am not lesser than.
Everything in our relationship makes sense now. It also makes my stomach turn every time I really think about it, but it's good to have that clarity going forward.
Friday, January 13, 2017
a breather
Not gonna lie, life is psychologically so hard right now.
I say psychologically because I know physically I have it pretty good. Like 100% better than people dodging barrel bombs in Syria, or risking drownings on the Mediterranean Sea, or even just being homeless or in debt. My kids are all finally healthy, not in the NICU like another friend's child, fighting for his life.
But I am still on the brink of losing it. Snapping. Shaking the baby or striking the older kids. Cutting myself. Just whatever it is to end this drudgery of motherhood. I feel the danger lurking just out of my immediate vicinity. I feel afraid every day right now, of myself and whether today is the day I go AWOL.
It is coming on 10:30pm and just as every night this month, I am only beginning to start on all the chores that must be done. After finally passing off the baby who insists on being held all day long.
I'm pathetic at this mothering thing. Maybe life thing in general.
Before I start again, I will finish this matcha drink and read just a little more from this digital book about young people renting studios and working out their careers, trying to make it in Taipei. I will not will not will not snap at my oldest child for wailing melodramatically about being scared when he should be sleeping right now. It was my fault for letting him watch Troll Hunters. Argh.
I say psychologically because I know physically I have it pretty good. Like 100% better than people dodging barrel bombs in Syria, or risking drownings on the Mediterranean Sea, or even just being homeless or in debt. My kids are all finally healthy, not in the NICU like another friend's child, fighting for his life.
But I am still on the brink of losing it. Snapping. Shaking the baby or striking the older kids. Cutting myself. Just whatever it is to end this drudgery of motherhood. I feel the danger lurking just out of my immediate vicinity. I feel afraid every day right now, of myself and whether today is the day I go AWOL.
It is coming on 10:30pm and just as every night this month, I am only beginning to start on all the chores that must be done. After finally passing off the baby who insists on being held all day long.
I'm pathetic at this mothering thing. Maybe life thing in general.
Before I start again, I will finish this matcha drink and read just a little more from this digital book about young people renting studios and working out their careers, trying to make it in Taipei. I will not will not will not snap at my oldest child for wailing melodramatically about being scared when he should be sleeping right now. It was my fault for letting him watch Troll Hunters. Argh.
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