"some will seek forgiveness, others escape" by underoath

It's a rather awkward title. That's what I said when the Joyful Noise pitch passed around D.D.'s a cappella arrangement of this song. We sight-read through it, the JN alums and the current members, and a lot of us laughed at the end. At such a somber choice for the first song during our jam session.

A part of me had a hard time moving past this first song, though. After I came home from the craziness that was Carnival, I looked it up on YouTube....and discovered that I liked D.D.'s arrangement a lot better than the original song itself. There is a quiet moment of truth in the midst of this ultra-emo song (with its mostly melodramatic lyrics and screaming at the end that I found incongruous with the words the singer's screaming out). This quiet moment of truth that brought flashes of images to my mind, while we were singing D.D.'s version of this song together in UC Room 303. Images of me yelling at my husband, of me crumpling up photos, of me writing angry words, of me wanting to end my life.

These are the words that made me remember them:

Hey unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful, I will teach you
To forgive one another

Hey unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey unloving, I will love you
I will love you

My son was being extra clingy today during naptime, and refused to sleep unless I held him and walked to and fro in the bedroom. So I did, and then as I stood still and rocked him in his sleep, being bored out of my mind, I remembered these words again.

So true, they are so true. They are what God has been doing in my life. To an unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving someone like me, he has taught and is--everyday--teaching me to be stronger, to be more forgiving. By loving me.

And, as Good Friday tomorrow will remind me again, by first showing his love for me through dying for me. For this broken, sad world.

God, truly I love you because you first love me. I know there will be a time (there already has been some) when my son just wants his own way, and throws fits and acts like a real jerk. I look forward to these opportunities to love the way God loves. These opportunities that are very small simulacra of the way he loves me and the world.

whirlwind of activities = all play and no sleep makes boy a whiny crybaby

I won't be writing much because I'm pretty worn out by today.

But my husband successfully defended his thesis. I got to hear from my old English dept boss, and had a very encouraging talk with J.L. I also got caught in the pouring rain, even running as fast as I could while pushing my son in the stroller homeward. He screamed and screamed because he hated having both of the covers up. It made him not able to see me, which apparently scared the living daylight out of him. I knew this was the reason, because every time I stuck my head in between the covers to show my face, he immediately started giggling. What a crazy kid.

We picked up my dad from the airport, and made a transaction with someone on Craigslist--US$75 for some cloth diapers. I thought it was a real bargain until I came home and discovered they weren't FuzziBunz as I assumed, but some unfamiliar Chinese brand. Ah well. As long as they still do their jobs. I really shouldn't have such a bias against Chinese brands, seeing as how I'm moving to China so soon.

My son also screamed blood murder for 20 minutes in the car on the way back from dinner at China Star in McIntyre. No usual daily poo, hardly any feedings longer than five minutes, and only a half hour nap ALL day. Yeah, I would cry too.

Hopefully we'll all recover to a saner schedule tomorrow.

all good things must come to an end...or, at least, change

Lots of CMU alumni back in town and catching up with old friends. There are a handful of people I have been especially look forward to seeing, and yet even with the little time we have, I have been so wistful about the fact that I won't be able to see them next year that our time together felt tense, like not having enough water to quench a thirst. This of course made things feel a little awkward, even strained. And I saw how I was trying to hold on to shifting sand.

Let me not attempt to embalm friendships that are changing in nature. To embalm them would inevitably call for the deaths of these friendships first. I would far rather accept that things are no longer the same, but continue to have a new way of relating with these still-dear friends. I would far rather they stay in my life, however differently, than feed on idealized memories alone.

I just hope they will, in fact, continue to be in my life, regardless of the growing distance between us.

A realization...and a growing desire

Tonight, as we prepared for the wine and cheese party that's scheduled to commence very soon, R.E. shared about the, er, eventful day he's had. Some of said events included discovering that the building he's renovating got broken into and about US$13,000 worth of equipments had been stolen, and an electricity outage, and the staircase in his home needs to be fixed soon. What struck me was that, despite seeming just a bit more tired than usual, he was still quite calm and looking forward to the party. As he recounted his day, he cut up and arranged with expert leisure the cheeses he brought.

One of the most hard-working people I know, yet I always get a sense of peace every time I talk with him. I know I probably don't leave people with that calmness when I share about my life, but I would so like to. To live out the permanent stamp of joy found in the eternal kind of life. I have been a pessimist, protecting myself with cynicism and worst-case-scenarios.

I would like to surrender that. To stop bemoaning the problems in my marriage, or the difficulties of caring for a baby. There are good things in all these places. Even if there aren't, let my heart bear praise. Show me how, God, train me now.