possibilities, or maybe not

I was a radical Islamist who hated all of you.

The above link is an interview with a former radical Muslim, reflecting upon the role of ideological narratives for the process of radicalization. Really insightful. It also makes me wonder anew, despite my misgivings about the time and viability involved, the worth of studying for a PhD. If worthwhile, I would deepen my undergraduate and graduate focus of post-colonialist perspectives, by narrowing my examination onto the literature produced from post-colonial regions such as the Middle East and Southeastern Asia (Taiwan included). I want to examine how cultural and literary movements shaped and are shaping the concept of national/ethnic identity, and how they could be used for nonviolent yet still effective movements for the present and future for righteous/just civil rights and minority empowerment. Maybe Ireland/Scotland and Poland could be templates for how that has worked out.

Otherwise, I'm interested in becoming an author that deals with these themes. I got this idea from reflecting upon my own grandparents' lives and how they were so personally affected by the practical application of ideologies that even their great-grandkids are still caught up in the aftermath. Their lives are certainly worthy of novels, and it would be inevitable for any research or narration of their stories to examine such topics. And this route might reach a wider receptive audience, since more people spend time reading novels and good fictions than academic papers...

Or maybe I'll remain a stay-at-home mom, and teach my children about such things. No point thinking so far ahead since I'm still having trouble even putting one foot in front of the other on some days. Just things to talk with God about, I guess.

i think i need a mental break before a mental breakdown

I should be....washing the dishes, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning the bathrooms again, taking out the trash, attempt at lectio divinia, even nap.... but I feel like, what's the point?

There is a point, I'm sure, especially when my older child leaves crying to the gan in the morning just so I could be more productive elsewhere. And chores must be done, regardless of circumstances.

It's just that I feel devoid of any energy, and yet cannot sleep restfully. Even in my dreams, I am thinking of different ways I can cease to exist.

I think, when I visit Taiwan in late summertime, I will seriously look into whether my national health insurance covers anti-depressants. After wanting to go drug-free for so long, I'm tired of trying to make it without. I'm clearly not. I guess it's time to think about surrendering and joining the legions of mainly women, and mainly American women, who medicate themselves regularly.

I'm ashamed to discover that I secretly ascribe to the stigma attached to that. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to get off my high horse.

Lots of "I"s in this post. I guess I'm pretty self-centered, which makes depression worse.

In other news, I think I'm going to stay away from local/regional news for a while. Reading about all the badly reported rhetorics against Israel gets me down. It's one thing to read about legitimate criticisms, and they need to be publicized for sure (like what the world is the deal with the Prawer Plan?), but I'm tired to needing to sift between agenda and bias. I'm not a rabid Zionist right-wing nut, and I'm tired of being pushed towards that direction just because I desire a more honest level of discourse. Oh yes, clearly I must be delusional and have a high and mighty sense of myself to perceive the situation being as the above.

In the meantime, there will be two nation-wide bomb raid drills tomorrow to ready the citizenry for escalating violence by the Syrian government because Israel had destroyed long-range missiles that Iran was "smuggling" through Syria to terrorists in Lebanon, even as the Assad regime and the rebel forces continue to slaughter and displace their own people by the thousands for two-plus years. But these are details that anti-Israel "human rights activists" can't be bothered to know. Or care about. Onwards with Israeli aggression!

Just sick of it all.

like a bell jar

I feel, a lot of times, as if I am made of glass. And hollow on the inside. I am simultaneously dumb and reverberating violently. 

Days would glide by in which I think, I am finally okay. And then, without warning, they clump together again. Like today, and yesterday, and the day before that. 

By the grace of God, one day, perhaps one day, I can finally look back and be thankful that I did not give up. For now, I am so frustrated at myself for being so irrationally weak.