moving out

So it's getting pretty official. Daniel handed in his resignation letter on the first day of this week, and was given a last "scavenger hunt" to accomplish a.k.a. going to more than 10 offices to secure stamps, signatures, returning my mac book (aaaaaa)...so he can be approved for release. One of the paper squares waiting to be stamped is for the housing office, which means that we are packing and getting ready to move to and stay at a hotel for a few days before we leave Hangzhou forever. We've spent the last three weeks visiting bank branches to convert RMB to USD and discovering the draconian laws surrounding that, getting denied, getting in heated "discussions", and finally having a mainland citizen/friend help us wire most of our converted money to Pittsburgh. It was...a real education.

I'm most sad about leaving the friends we've made here. The expat moms I just started hanging out with, who seem to keep forgetting that I'm going to be gone for good. The locals here--security guards, cleaning folks, fellow academics, church friends--that I wonder if we'll ever see again. It makes me reflect, once again, on the people I really want to keep in my life, for the rest of our lives. I've come upon a lot of people through the years from vastly different backgrounds because of my own diverse interests and, also, moving nearly every single year and immigrating, and although Facebook and Google+ give a false sense of staying in touch with everyone, there's only so much time one can really devote to nurturing existing relationships.

It's time to prune accordingly and really go deep with true friends. For example, I've only shared with a handful of people our news about leaving China, and surprisingly the people who are most glad about our deciding to leave have been (1) most wary of our decision to come here but then (2) the ones who've kept in the best touch and been the most supportive during our time here. And, ironically, most of the people who had expressed happiness for our initial decision...were never heard from again after we left the U.S.

This short stint in China has opened my eyes to so many things. I am not sorry we came. And, after learning all that I have, I am ready to leave for a freer place where this knowledge gained could be put to use instead of stifled. T minus 10 days.

take that, procrastination (ha!)

After literally weeks and weeks of pulling up the second documents M. requested that I translate for her father's factory, I finally finally finally got it done tonight and emailed my draft back to her. Booyah! In retrospect, it didn't take all that long. Just a little over a week of working after Declan goes to bed, and I even got to sleep before 11:30pm most nights myself. What seemed so very daunting ended up being...fun! I picked up some knowledge of electrical engineering terms along the way, and new strategies for researching and double-checking the best translations. The work just got progressively easier and faster to do.

This is really encouraging for my high hopes of what I dream will take place for my family in the next seven years. Big events that look daunting, even just written down on paper. I can see the challenges, the fatigue, the need for perseverance. Wondering over and over again when things are hard now, whether I--we--could handle that.

Dealing with this document, the second time around after having submitted an earlier document and thinking mistakenly that I was done, I had felt a similar strain (admittedly smaller in scope but still similar) of dread and can-I-possibly-really-get-this-done doubt. Completing it is a tiny, flickering taste of thankful giddiness that I could do it. Just don't fear, don't procrastinate, don't keep ignoring it and hoping that would make it go away.

I could have been done a lot sooner.

Now onto the script I somehow got roped in to write for a Christmas program. I will not be able to see it enacted as I will be flying out from Shanghai at that time. Big big grin.

n'oublions jamais

The fact that we couldn't even convert our money, even by very restrictive amounts, with pages and pages of authenticated documents, after being interrogated about why we are moving our money this way, and within a limited timespan. Without the bank being afraid of drawing the attention and questions of the central government. And then when I say, I don't mind being audited since I'm not doing anything illegal, to commence the whispering of personnels and security, and finally outright (polite, embarrassed) refusal to do what we as their clients need them to do. That is, do with our own money what we will.

Wow. Just wow. I'm glad we found out now and have a month to deal with the situation. I have never been held hostage before by my own money. Oh yes. Let us not forget.

a late night / early morning moment in the life of a toddler's mom

So Declan woke up wanting to play sometime around 1:30am. I suspected he was awoken by a pooping session. My suspicion was confirmed by Daniel around 1:50am. Commence attempt to putting the baby to sleep again around 2am as I drifted between consciousness and conferring with a group of phantom parents about Declan's odd behaviors. Failure by 2:20am resulted in my leaving the bedroom upon Daniel's request (Declan usually calms down enough to sleep when I'm not around. Sigh). It is now 4:22am.

Should I sleep now or just pull up the document I need to translate and get it over with? How am I going to feel in the morning?

And where did the last two hours go? Aside from my fighting the temptation to boil up and consume some dumplings?

running lists

What I will miss about living in Hangzhou

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1. The local and expat people I've started to become good friends with here

2. Accessibility of produce, library, walking area all by biking or walking

3. Being able to just wear a jacket in late November

4. Living as a local in a major tourist city (biking past huge tourist groups on my way home along the West Lake)

5. Being able to care for families with young children and the orphans at the province hospital.

6. Eating at the Muslim noodle shop with Daniel and Declan; ordering our usual lamb rice and beef noodle soup

7. Walking through the bamboo forest corridor in the early morning fog

What I will NOT miss about living in Hangzhou

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1. Constant cigarette smoke around Declan everywhere we go

2. Nonstop staring and Declan being grabbed / unsolicited crazy parenting "advice"

3. Products of questionable quality / Not knowing any ingredients or source of our produce

4. Dusty, polluted air and angry car/bus horns at all hours

5. Not able to let Declan run around on grass because people spit and children defecate everywhere in public.

6. Waiting for Daniel to finish his 3.5 year long contract in a job that he dislikes / waiting for us to leave so I can have our next kid in a cleaner place without separating our family

7. Banned internet sites and censored news / China's propaganda and censorship branch that crashes our VPN even when I search for something innocuous like "cultural studies."

8. Having such a tiny bathroom that a) Declan is absolutely not allowed to go in i.e. making bathroom/laundry time for Daniel or me when we're alone with him a bit difficult, b) a faint trace of urine from the diaper bag and wastebasket pervades our living room, and c) I try to shower as little as possible because it consists of standing in a shallow pan between the toilet and the washing machine and trying my best not to get the toilet seat/floor too wet.

What I plan to start doing immediately upon resettling in the U.S.

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1. Make almond milk from scratch

2. Prepare food from small farms and organic/grass-fed/pasture-raised sources (craving beef stew and roasted root vegetables)

3. Take Declan bike-riding with helmets for both of us around clean air

4. Join a Pilates, spinning, and Krav Maga class.

5. Start translating and editing for my freelance jobs in earnest

6. Start putting together my PhD application

7. Find trustworthy childcare to accomplish #4, #5, and #6

8. Stay informed on daily news around the world and especially Asia with reliable and unrestricted Internet

9. Check out lots of children's books from the public library every week and take Declan to storytimes; Use the public library extensively for my own reading purposes as well.

10. Make fun of Tea Party-ers.

11. Get the Free Friday book every week for my Nook (after I've resolved all problems with it caused by international copyright issues)

It's clear that if I were childless, China would be tolerable. But parenthood changes one's priorities in an indescribably deep way. These lists will be continually updated as more things cross my mind.

Things I need to do before we leave

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1. Make a list of things to give away; distribute on forums/to our friends

2. Give away things

3. Pack up boxes

4. Ship boxes via China Post

5. Pack up luggages

6. Plan timeline for the last few days (leave early and tour Shanghai for four days?)

7. Finish translating for local factory

8. Sign agreement and start translating for seeJesus.net

9. Say bye to friends

the calm before the storm?

I've been feeling so lethargic lately. Maybe it's the natural consequence/side effect of my family's decision to relocate back to the U.S. My usual chore-addressing has gone dormant, and the tiny apartment shows the lack.

Resolve for the fifth time to start anew tomorrow. I am pretty excited to attend a Thanksgiving brunch at K.K.'s home. It's really sad that we're leaving so soon just as I've got to know so many expat moms who finally, finally understand exactly where I'm coming from. I think the usual period of time to acclimate oneself to a new place is about four months. And that's about how much time we have been here. Everyone we've befriended asked us to reconsider, and I've been very, very surprised by how much longing I feel as well in not wanting to leave them. My husband said that it's always this way: when the struggle to put up with all the crap is finally surrendered, then we become free to really love the people we're with. I should remember this.

That's really it: I will miss so many people I could call friends by now. But for more reasons than I have time or energy to record just now, I'm also a bit excited that we're leaving in about a month's time, God willing. I'm glad for all the problems we ran into, because they prevented us from getting too comfortable here, so that we really examine if it's worth remaining here. And how that is not all that relevant to where we want to go as a family and even as individuals.

And besides my needing to pull myself together again for the sprint to the finish line, we are awaiting some of the loose ends to resolve themselves as they are out of our control. Their outcomes bear drastic changes to our direction, one way or another, and if I had been the person I was before I came to China, I would have been on pins and needles right now. But I have learned a great deal about trusting God since then. And what that looks like in a world where we both have the absolute freedom to choose how we spend our time and where, and yet paradoxically rest securely in His timing and plans.

a somber period of time

I miss Thanksgiving in the States. This is the one purely American holiday that I truly enjoy. When I was teaching, the Thanksgiving break usually marked the beginning of the end of the term. It made me thankful.

Right now my little family unit in China is going through a life-changing decision-making process. And I'm awash with differing emotions even within the same hour. The impact is even more pronounced on my husband, and I don't think he's taking it well at all. It touches upon deep character issues that he's never had to struggle with before. I had to go through them when I gave up my job, put my career on hold, became pregnant and then a mother, so I'm a bit restive to be in the same emotional place again with him. But I should be more compassionate.

Sigh. It is a relief to know that God has got us covered, no matter what choices we make. I also got a job offer today that I had to turn down. Always torn between wanting to stay home and care for my son full-time and having some work of my own.