nostalgia

Declan and Daniel are sleeping away in the master bedroom. Sigh. If Declan doesn't wake up in half an hour's time, the whole getting up at 2am and not going to sleep again may replay itself. I know that it took about a week when we flew to Chicago from China in order for everyone to get aligned with the local time, but unlike in Chicago, I'm actually pretty much adjusted now myself, and it's like taking care of a newborn again when Declan fusses for me to get up with him.

My initial hope was that he would just take a late afternoon nap around 3:30pm, after we came back from visiting a potential church we might join during the duration of our visit. Two months is a fairly long time to go without any community, and I hope we can find a strong one. It's too hard to go it alone with a kid in tow. I often wonder why I seem to struggle so much more than any other moms. That's what it feels like anyway, as I feel more dread and loneliness and frustration and uncertainty every day than anything else. Daniel said that considering the fact that before the age of two, Declan would have lived in four different countries and have visited more than ten different cities, perhaps it's not so much that I'm incompetent as our lives have been and are just insane in terms of providing me as a new mom with any semblance of stability.

I hope that's the reason. And that things will be a little better with the new baby, even though we would be in a new land in which I currently don't speak the language.

While waiting for the other two members of my family to wake up, I started surfing the net. Dreading a bit another new start to a church relationship in this coming weekend. Truthfully, I have such a conflicted experience with every church I've ever been to, and I recently noticed how in all the weddings of people I know in my Pittsburgh local church, all the girls have at least two other girls from our church as their bridesmaids. This demonstrates to me the depth of friendships that were shared in the church I went to...in contrast with my wedding. My bridesmaids (excluding family) were entirely outside of that church. In fact, none of my church friends knew the two girls.

I thought further about how in the church I went to during college, everyone there essentially married each other off. I really have to think hard about someone there who married "outside." And I personally disliked dating guys I went to church with; not sure why.

All this to say, I've always felt an estrangement from others in the churches I attended. And frankly, I'm tired of it... I wonder what it is about me that screams standoffishness. I wonder if I'll ever belong anywhere. While looking through old fb pictures of a recently married Pittsburgh friend, I came upon a kayaking trip I got randomly invited on in the last minute and in which I had one of the best times of hanging out with church people ever. It made me miss the people I hung out with on that trip a great deal, and I wish I had treasured our time more than I had while I was living it.

Also, damn, I looked so thin in those pictures. I actually had a flat stomach! Oh, the past that will never be again. :P

moving out

So it's getting pretty official. Daniel handed in his resignation letter on the first day of this week, and was given a last "scavenger hunt" to accomplish a.k.a. going to more than 10 offices to secure stamps, signatures, returning my mac book (aaaaaa)...so he can be approved for release. One of the paper squares waiting to be stamped is for the housing office, which means that we are packing and getting ready to move to and stay at a hotel for a few days before we leave Hangzhou forever. We've spent the last three weeks visiting bank branches to convert RMB to USD and discovering the draconian laws surrounding that, getting denied, getting in heated "discussions", and finally having a mainland citizen/friend help us wire most of our converted money to Pittsburgh. It was...a real education.

I'm most sad about leaving the friends we've made here. The expat moms I just started hanging out with, who seem to keep forgetting that I'm going to be gone for good. The locals here--security guards, cleaning folks, fellow academics, church friends--that I wonder if we'll ever see again. It makes me reflect, once again, on the people I really want to keep in my life, for the rest of our lives. I've come upon a lot of people through the years from vastly different backgrounds because of my own diverse interests and, also, moving nearly every single year and immigrating, and although Facebook and Google+ give a false sense of staying in touch with everyone, there's only so much time one can really devote to nurturing existing relationships.

It's time to prune accordingly and really go deep with true friends. For example, I've only shared with a handful of people our news about leaving China, and surprisingly the people who are most glad about our deciding to leave have been (1) most wary of our decision to come here but then (2) the ones who've kept in the best touch and been the most supportive during our time here. And, ironically, most of the people who had expressed happiness for our initial decision...were never heard from again after we left the U.S.

This short stint in China has opened my eyes to so many things. I am not sorry we came. And, after learning all that I have, I am ready to leave for a freer place where this knowledge gained could be put to use instead of stifled. T minus 10 days.

all good things must come to an end...or, at least, change

Lots of CMU alumni back in town and catching up with old friends. There are a handful of people I have been especially look forward to seeing, and yet even with the little time we have, I have been so wistful about the fact that I won't be able to see them next year that our time together felt tense, like not having enough water to quench a thirst. This of course made things feel a little awkward, even strained. And I saw how I was trying to hold on to shifting sand.

Let me not attempt to embalm friendships that are changing in nature. To embalm them would inevitably call for the deaths of these friendships first. I would far rather accept that things are no longer the same, but continue to have a new way of relating with these still-dear friends. I would far rather they stay in my life, however differently, than feed on idealized memories alone.

I just hope they will, in fact, continue to be in my life, regardless of the growing distance between us.