moving out

So it's getting pretty official. Daniel handed in his resignation letter on the first day of this week, and was given a last "scavenger hunt" to accomplish a.k.a. going to more than 10 offices to secure stamps, signatures, returning my mac book (aaaaaa)...so he can be approved for release. One of the paper squares waiting to be stamped is for the housing office, which means that we are packing and getting ready to move to and stay at a hotel for a few days before we leave Hangzhou forever. We've spent the last three weeks visiting bank branches to convert RMB to USD and discovering the draconian laws surrounding that, getting denied, getting in heated "discussions", and finally having a mainland citizen/friend help us wire most of our converted money to Pittsburgh. It was...a real education.

I'm most sad about leaving the friends we've made here. The expat moms I just started hanging out with, who seem to keep forgetting that I'm going to be gone for good. The locals here--security guards, cleaning folks, fellow academics, church friends--that I wonder if we'll ever see again. It makes me reflect, once again, on the people I really want to keep in my life, for the rest of our lives. I've come upon a lot of people through the years from vastly different backgrounds because of my own diverse interests and, also, moving nearly every single year and immigrating, and although Facebook and Google+ give a false sense of staying in touch with everyone, there's only so much time one can really devote to nurturing existing relationships.

It's time to prune accordingly and really go deep with true friends. For example, I've only shared with a handful of people our news about leaving China, and surprisingly the people who are most glad about our deciding to leave have been (1) most wary of our decision to come here but then (2) the ones who've kept in the best touch and been the most supportive during our time here. And, ironically, most of the people who had expressed happiness for our initial decision...were never heard from again after we left the U.S.

This short stint in China has opened my eyes to so many things. I am not sorry we came. And, after learning all that I have, I am ready to leave for a freer place where this knowledge gained could be put to use instead of stifled. T minus 10 days.

n'oublions jamais

The fact that we couldn't even convert our money, even by very restrictive amounts, with pages and pages of authenticated documents, after being interrogated about why we are moving our money this way, and within a limited timespan. Without the bank being afraid of drawing the attention and questions of the central government. And then when I say, I don't mind being audited since I'm not doing anything illegal, to commence the whispering of personnels and security, and finally outright (polite, embarrassed) refusal to do what we as their clients need them to do. That is, do with our own money what we will.

Wow. Just wow. I'm glad we found out now and have a month to deal with the situation. I have never been held hostage before by my own money. Oh yes. Let us not forget.

the calm before the storm?

I've been feeling so lethargic lately. Maybe it's the natural consequence/side effect of my family's decision to relocate back to the U.S. My usual chore-addressing has gone dormant, and the tiny apartment shows the lack.

Resolve for the fifth time to start anew tomorrow. I am pretty excited to attend a Thanksgiving brunch at K.K.'s home. It's really sad that we're leaving so soon just as I've got to know so many expat moms who finally, finally understand exactly where I'm coming from. I think the usual period of time to acclimate oneself to a new place is about four months. And that's about how much time we have been here. Everyone we've befriended asked us to reconsider, and I've been very, very surprised by how much longing I feel as well in not wanting to leave them. My husband said that it's always this way: when the struggle to put up with all the crap is finally surrendered, then we become free to really love the people we're with. I should remember this.

That's really it: I will miss so many people I could call friends by now. But for more reasons than I have time or energy to record just now, I'm also a bit excited that we're leaving in about a month's time, God willing. I'm glad for all the problems we ran into, because they prevented us from getting too comfortable here, so that we really examine if it's worth remaining here. And how that is not all that relevant to where we want to go as a family and even as individuals.

And besides my needing to pull myself together again for the sprint to the finish line, we are awaiting some of the loose ends to resolve themselves as they are out of our control. Their outcomes bear drastic changes to our direction, one way or another, and if I had been the person I was before I came to China, I would have been on pins and needles right now. But I have learned a great deal about trusting God since then. And what that looks like in a world where we both have the absolute freedom to choose how we spend our time and where, and yet paradoxically rest securely in His timing and plans.

what the heck *yawn* / hodgepodge of thoughts

I don't know why I'm so freaking tired lately. It's only around 10pm right now and I am exhausted...have been since 7:30pm...The only reason why I'm up is because this is the only down time I have where it's just me, by myself. No clingy baby who has learned to whine incessantly. No husband in need of processing today's new discoveries. I am a bit sapped out, and am very grateful for this gap in the space-time continuum to just...veg.

Everything is so much harder here. My husband wondered aloud tonight: "China is a bad place with kind people, while the U.S. is a nice place with mean people." What he meant was that there are so many environmental issues in this densely-packed, bureaucratically-stifling country, but the people we've encountered for the most part are kind and eager to help us out. In the States, we are surrounded by beautiful green spaces with wonderfully clean air, but strangers tend to keep to themselves. Very cool and aloof. And, in my case, overtly racist on many occasions. In response to his comment, I wondered why Americans aren't happier that they live in such a beautiful country? I certainly didn't fully appreciate it until now. Maybe that's it. O ingratitude that blinds.

My husband's planning to attend a math conference in Beijing towards the end of this month. I have the choice of being here by myself with the baby or traveling via high speed rail with him up north. The rail has mixed reviews regarding safety. Hm. The last time I was in Beijing was about 15 years ago. I should probably go again...but how will this affect our son's sleep/wake schedule, which is finally starting to form some kind of pattern? Traveling is so much easier without a child. I *am* grateful that by then he would be 10 months old. He's starting to show his own will in very specific and insistent ways, and his strong little personality and idiosyncrasies crack. me. up. Like how he likes to bounce up and down to my cell phone's ringtone every time it rings. Or when he gets tired but still wants to keep playing, how he would squat and rest his head on the floor while his butt and arms still wiggle around. Crazy kid.

As of now, I don't foresee us staying here for longer than my husband's current contract of three and a half years. I'm also leaning away from the possibility of doing my PhD here. Maybe after our son turns one year old, I'll look into part-time teaching at this company that a friend here could refer me to. I'm definitely sure, God willing, that I won't plan to have another child until after we leave for who knows which new city. According to the World Health Organization, the optimal time between siblings is between two and four years anyway.