very unexpectedly

He's here. Three weeks early.

I'll change the pregnancy ticker when I get around to it.

a stall in nesting

Every room in our apartment has more or less been re-organized with a general reformation of overall structure. But I'm not completely done or satisfied with the nitty-gritty, and yet it's kind of like I don't want it to be done because I'm mildly afraid of being left truly with nothing to do, twiddling my thumbs. This is a completely irrational fear, of course, but I find myself saving a few boxes here and there in each room that still needs to be sorted. Every time I start to approach them, however, I just want to lie down and take a big nap. Instead, I forage the fridge and read another book. 

Grr, I just need to suck it up. The floors need to be swept and mopped too. I do want to be ready, so I need to make it happen.

I have gained so much weight at this point (from my pre-pregnancy weight of 56kg to now 72kg) that I no longer obsess about it. It is an annoying gnat that buzzes by with the occasional memory and incoming anticipation of my OB's passing remarks about my over-abundant diet and all the comments I get while browsing at the traditional market. How is it that most Taiwanese women don't gain much weight at all during pregnancies? I feel like a mutant trying to qualify as a normal person.

progress at a snail's pace

The last two days were typhoon days. Everyone stayed home. I had not gone to the markets beforehand, but fortunately there were enough food in the pantry to make pasta dishes, etc. Other than that, I did precious little. The apartment is a mess due to the kids playing and getting cabin fever. This morning, I woke at 5 and started to reorganize everything in the kitchen and dining room area. My mom had changed everything while she was here during the bedrest and the result just never sat right with me. I feel much better now, like a better chi flow and I'm finally back in charge of this particular domain.

This Saturday, the plan is to visit IKEA in Taipei, get a kid-accessible storage system, and reclaim the living room area in like fashion. Right now, the kids' toys are everywhere and muddled in various boxes all over. Really, really looking forward to that. Hope it'll make a difference.

things I want to do before the baby comes

- Go for early morning walks through Eighteen Peaks Mountain before breakfast and school drop off time with the kids.
- Swim in the mornings before walking home to organize and clean as well as daily chores.
- Study French and Hebrew via Duolingo daily.
- Periodically mail cards with small gifts to Daniel's and my godchildren and other loved ones.
- Spend consistent time reading books in Chinese instead of mostly English.
- Catch the bus to Eslite, City Super, and the city library for gift, culinary, and literary treats, respectively.
- Play a board game and read with the kids every night.
- Keep a bedtime journal with the kids most nights.

These things should keep me fairly occupied for the remaining 77 days of pregnancy.

maybe everything isn't hopeless bullshit

Still in self-imposed physical rehab mode after the two months of near-complete immobility, but...

I'm so thankful for so many things right now.

I'm thankful that the blood clot appears to be absorbing into my body so that it's less likely the placenta abruption will get bigger. This is after the doctor had told me to be prepared for the baby to die about three weeks ago.

I'm thankful that I'm allowed to move around even if just slowly, with the doctor's permission. If the medical establishment, which tends to be overly cautious about pregnancy, gives the go-ahead, I do have that extra dose of assurance.

I'm thankful that I was able to go for a crawling swim yesterday. It felt so good to be in the pool. 

I'm especially thankful that I can go back to cooking for everyone at home. That the organic produce store I order from called ahead to deliver due to the incoming typhoon and the deliveryman volunteered without prompting to carry a whole box of groceries up the five flights to my apartment door because he'd remembered that I'm pregnant from an exchange more than two months ago. It's so wonderful to have a reliable, ethical food source with thoughtful customer service. Sure it's a little pricier than the traditional markets, but accounting for everything it's worth it. Plus with the hard winter and now typhoon, produce prices have been skyrocketing from other sources anyway.

It makes me really happy to be more active, and to be able to watch my family eat, knowing nothing but the best ingredients cooked in a healthful way are nourishing their physical well-being. 

Thank you, God, thank you. 

the university of life

As I was spending some time singing worship songs today (something I haven't wanted to do in a long, long time), I was struck by how I am still constantly learning even the most basic skills and attitudes for living responsibly.

Every church I've ever attended until I moved to Israel had eventually "drafted" me into its song worship team, and each timespan on every team had brought up issues I spent a lot of time and energy wrestling with. Such as: what is the point of leading song worship? What is the purpose of song worship itself? Am I doing it right? Am I leading as helpfully as I can? Have I chose the right songs or is the congregation simply on autopilot? I'd dealt with procrastinators who never practiced the songs ahead of time so that I had to spend excess time teaching them on the spot. I've overreached and chosen songs I wasn't familiar enough to lead with and trainwrecked entire song worship services. There were a couple of times when I got lectured by church leadership on choosing songs that were too secular because at the time I had been focused mainly on seekers.

It all left a wary feeling towards leading song worship, but now looking back, I'm starting to appreciate all the friction and struggling. I learned a lot in searching for the questions that surfaced. I've come to a better understanding and relationship regarding service roles and purposes. I almost want to email the team coordinator from many years ago to thank him for all of his silent and vocal critiques. He's probably forgotten all about me by now though, or remember me as a rebellious blip the way most church leadership I've rubbed shoulders with seem to regard me. Oh well.

Then my mind wandered over to when I was the ruckus manager for my grad school a cappella group. To be honest, I wasn't too clear at the time on the purpose of my position or even the mission of our group. We were a Christian a cappella group, which means that it's obviously not enough just to entertain our audience. Our music has to MEAN SOMETHING and inspire and evangelize or something. I don't know. As ruckus manager, I was given two hours every week for us to do something together. Now I understand the role to help everyone bond better. Knowing that *now*, I would have went out of my way to organize exploratory activities throughout Pittsburgh. But being rather muddle-minded at the time, we ended up doing a lot of administrative details during those windows of time per the group director's request and the most outspoken member of the group announced at the end of that season that "ruckus is rather lacking this year."

Lesson learned... If I don't know the purpose or reason for something, FIND OUT. As soon as possible. Don't just trudge through as the clock counts down. I feel bad for the wasted opportunity and lousy time I was in charge of. All the more reason to now size up any situation and make the best of things in an active way.

I really admire my cousin T who is years younger than I am, yet had the boldness to travel around the world by herself, live in Iraq for a year as a US agent, write for the AP, manage her own affairs and car purchases, etc. She has vented before that she's had to be so independent because her parents never had her back aside from the basic room and board. I, on the other hand, suspect that I have been coddled for most of my life regarding fending for myself financially and with personal agency. Although I was left alone most of the time, my meals and chores were always done for me. Any desire to make a decision for myself or undertake a more off-the-beaten-track aspiration was quashed under excessive parental doubting and negativity. And I didn't have the strength of mind or spirit as my cousin to say, well, I'm still going to try on my own anyway.

This is something I'm keeping in mind as I raise my kids. When they experience failure, I hope I can help them see the lessons they can use. And if they are setting themselves up for the possibility of such failure, I hope I can advise and instruct in the best ways to lessen risk but never infringe upon the absolute necessity for them to exercise their flying muscles. I will never demand of them: "Can you guarantee that you will succeed? Can you promise that you won't fail?" (How I hated that!) I do not want my children to end up having to learn for the first time only in their late 20's/early 30s how to stand up for themselves and take responsibilities for their own decisions--and be willing to make decisions and own completely even the ones that turn out badly. I want them to be better people than their mother.

filling my present-day while on house arrest

Since the days now mostly consist of me trying to pass the time without going berserk, I think a game plan needs to be in place. I recall wishing to have more time to do other things I don't have time for once I started working again. While I was lesson/assignment planning, addressing student requests for certain things, grading, and designing presentations, etc., I'd wanted to have more time to study Hebrew, Japanese, French... Japanese would be more practical in Taiwan, French would be more practical for the family's periodic work trips to Europe, but Hebrew is what most of my non-American and non-Chinese friends post on FB, etc. Plus I do have a wary relationship with the Japanese language; a part of me, and this is rather silly, rebells against voluntarily studying a language that I would have been forced to learn under colonial rule.

So, language learning. I have Rosetta Stone (good marketing, meh product) for Japanese, and I found a comprehensive and very well done podcast for Hebrew that I may have to pay for if I head into the intermediate levels. Duolingo online for French.

What else....well, swimming/hiking/running are out. But I found some youtube videos that serve as tutorials for toning exercises. I think for a while back in middle school and high school before a surgery, exercise to me was what not eating was for people suffering anorexia. Now that I am forced to choose between this form of helping me feel in control vs. letting my body self-image go to rot for the safety of the baby, there is a psychological/mental process going on that is currently too raw to dwell upon much for now.

So, a little bit of old-fashioned calisthenics via modern technology. Just like bed rest: Can't hurt might help why not.

I'd wanted to master more classic Taiwanese dishes that I never really learned how to cook because (1) my mom or grandmother made them so I didn't have to, (2) the ingredients are difficult to find abroad, and (3) I could usually just buy take-out versions for cheap whenever I was in town. Now's my chance to experiment with (as two examples of what I've done so far) how to make green bean soup with winter gourd sugar via the rice cooker and stir-fried vermillion with numerous ingredients that need to be individually grated, blanched, etc. Multiple steps in prepping and cooking for one dish used to annoy me, but I'm starting to appreciate all the finger work and time I must invest into producing a final nutritious tasty product for the family to eat. Time is not of the essence, and it's a way for me to eat more intentionally after having walked through a series of non-demanding but still helpful activity for rebuilding my decimated physical stamina.

So, cooking. Ordering from local farms with sustainable practices and keeping the fridge orderly with no ingredients left behind.

Declan discovered Uno, a good purchase by Daniel. We played for like two hours straight of Uno yesterday. I should spend more time with the kids. That's a perpetual mantra and guilt, the latter emotion because I get so easily irritated by them. I wish I'm an Earth Mom type that's super nurturing and patient and kind. I know of several moms for whom this appears to be their natural temperament. Sadly, I've always gravitated more towards Captain Von Trapp than Maria in my style of going about life.

So, spending more time with the family. Aside from finding local events and helping to plan outings that way, there are movies, books, boardgames... and with kids and husband, chores as well. Those take time too.

If I just take it one day at a time and not get discouraged about the likely possibility that this will be IT for the next five months for me or bemoan/revisit all the original summer visitations with friends and family that I have now scrapped, I might just make it.

Maybe.