As I was spending some time singing worship songs today (something I haven't wanted to do in a long, long time), I was struck by how I am still constantly learning even the most basic skills and attitudes for living responsibly.
Every church I've ever attended until I moved to Israel had eventually "drafted" me into its song worship team, and each timespan on every team had brought up issues I spent a lot of time and energy wrestling with. Such as: what is the point of leading song worship? What is the purpose of song worship itself? Am I doing it right? Am I leading as helpfully as I can? Have I chose the right songs or is the congregation simply on autopilot? I'd dealt with procrastinators who never practiced the songs ahead of time so that I had to spend excess time teaching them on the spot. I've overreached and chosen songs I wasn't familiar enough to lead with and trainwrecked entire song worship services. There were a couple of times when I got lectured by church leadership on choosing songs that were too secular because at the time I had been focused mainly on seekers.
It all left a wary feeling towards leading song worship, but now looking back, I'm starting to appreciate all the friction and struggling. I learned a lot in searching for the questions that surfaced. I've come to a better understanding and relationship regarding service roles and purposes. I almost want to email the team coordinator from many years ago to thank him for all of his silent and vocal critiques. He's probably forgotten all about me by now though, or remember me as a rebellious blip the way most church leadership I've rubbed shoulders with seem to regard me. Oh well.
Then my mind wandered over to when I was the ruckus manager for my grad school a cappella group. To be honest, I wasn't too clear at the time on the purpose of my position or even the mission of our group. We were a Christian a cappella group, which means that it's obviously not enough just to entertain our audience. Our music has to MEAN SOMETHING and inspire and evangelize or something. I don't know. As ruckus manager, I was given two hours every week for us to do something together. Now I understand the role to help everyone bond better. Knowing that *now*, I would have went out of my way to organize exploratory activities throughout Pittsburgh. But being rather muddle-minded at the time, we ended up doing a lot of administrative details during those windows of time per the group director's request and the most outspoken member of the group announced at the end of that season that "ruckus is rather lacking this year."
Lesson learned... If I don't know the purpose or reason for something, FIND OUT. As soon as possible. Don't just trudge through as the clock counts down. I feel bad for the wasted opportunity and lousy time I was in charge of. All the more reason to now size up any situation and make the best of things in an active way.
I really admire my cousin T who is years younger than I am, yet had the boldness to travel around the world by herself, live in Iraq for a year as a US agent, write for the AP, manage her own affairs and car purchases, etc. She has vented before that she's had to be so independent because her parents never had her back aside from the basic room and board. I, on the other hand, suspect that I have been coddled for most of my life regarding fending for myself financially and with personal agency. Although I was left alone most of the time, my meals and chores were always done for me. Any desire to make a decision for myself or undertake a more off-the-beaten-track aspiration was quashed under excessive parental doubting and negativity. And I didn't have the strength of mind or spirit as my cousin to say, well, I'm still going to try on my own anyway.
This is something I'm keeping in mind as I raise my kids. When they experience failure, I hope I can help them see the lessons they can use. And if they are setting themselves up for the possibility of such failure, I hope I can advise and instruct in the best ways to lessen risk but never infringe upon the absolute necessity for them to exercise their flying muscles. I will never demand of them: "Can you guarantee that you will succeed? Can you promise that you won't fail?" (How I hated that!) I do not want my children to end up having to learn for the first time only in their late 20's/early 30s how to stand up for themselves and take responsibilities for their own decisions--and be willing to make decisions and own completely even the ones that turn out badly. I want them to be better people than their mother.
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