Tried to swim this morning after a long hiatus. Arrived at the gym entrance to find everything closed for maintenance until 13:00. This is after I forced myself to get up from bed instead of sleeping in, motivating myself with how much more worthwhile 30 minutes or so of exercise would be, and debating for 10 minutes in my head about whether I should run (since it's not blisteringly hot and muggy today) or swim, as I only had time for one or the other. Decided to swim in the morning.
Is this an example of irony? Allegory of my life choices? Either things seem tinged with regret and disappointment.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
the landscape of my current unhappiness
Just found out about a 10K running event coming up this Saturday by the Hsinchu Nan Liao Harbor, which I would have signed up for if I had known in time. Sigh. I guess this is part of moving to a new city--to keep missing out on things because I just don't know the place well enough. Having young kids also limit the time and energy to scout out all the places and resources.... maybe that's why I've been feeling so... I don't know. I just keep feeling like I'm missing out on life. That's a pretty self-pitying attitude, no doubt, but I can't seem to shake it.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
On procuring food
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So what if we currently live in a small dorm apartment with no private kitchen? The fact is that even though eating out for proper meals in Taiwan is significantly cheaper than doing so in the US, Europe, or Israel, I can see how much healthier cooking and eating at home is for the family's diet and cultural habits. It shows up in the way the kids clamor to buy snacks whenever we pass by Taiwan's many convenience stores. It shows up in the extra fat deposits around my arms, hips, thighs, and abdomen. I dislike how sluggish and dumpy I feel, and it also makes me feel guilty for my family's attitudes towards nutrition.
Just like in Israel, the traditional markets here sell produce (and other things) at the lowest prices around. However, just like in Israel, these produce tend to be conventionally farmed. In Israel's case, that means they tend to be have five times more pesticides on them than even the conventionally-farmed produce in the US. I don't know how high the pesticide level is for Taiwan's conventionally-farmed produce, namely because the obscurity of the conventional sources makes it harder to track and such concerns are still less mainstream than in Western countries. I have come across articles responding to the recent pesticide-laced tea leaves scandals mentioning how conventional farming pollutes the water reservoirs with pesticide and fertilizer run-offs, so I'll like to support the farmers who are especially conscientious about land management. It's not enough just to go to any self-proclaimed organic health food store to acquire organic produce, however, given the number of such rackets being exposed for fraudulent claims. To that end, I had been spreading my stakes by shopping from a variety of organic stores with fairly good reputations such as Orange Mart (柑仔店), Mama Fisch (媽媽魚), Yogi House (無毒的家), and GreenBox (綠冰箱).
After about nine months of this system now, I've learned that Orange Mart--while having the largest selection--is the most expensive for organic produce and humanely-produced eggs; I can get the same items by the same farmers via online order/home delivery from GreenBox. So I now only shop at Orange Mart for more specialty items like flax seeds, wheat germs, inarizushi wrappers, and get most fresh food from GreenBox. Mama Fisch is my seafood source, which I haven't utilized as much since nobody else in the family besides me is a big seafood fan. I consumed a whole pot of clam soup by myself last night after the husband first asked me what I was making that was so stinky and the kids took some only-because-I-love-you-Mom sips. Yogi House is where I acquire the yeast for making bread at home and on occasion produce that GreenBox doesn't provide, although I mostly visit for the birds that the Yogi House owner keeps and whom Petra loves to see.
If all of these juggling and sourcing sound time-intensive and a little bit muddling, that might explain why so often I just opt to get bentos from the university's dining hall. So quick, no clean-up, and very cheap at student rates. But as I said at the beginning of this post, I really want to make home cooking and eating stick again. Today, I got my first delivery of a reasonable (for the price) amount of organic produce from a new source called 台灣好農。(Its English name is "The Wonderful Food"...which clearly shows it's a truly Taiwanese operations run by local communities.) As soon as the deliveryman handed me the box, I went to the communal kitchen and spent about an hour or so cutting up all the produce while Petra crawled around the empty cabinets and tried to lock herself in them to fake-nap. Here's hoping that the extra prep work fulfilled ahead of time will motivate me to follow-through on cooking at home even when tempted to just grab some bentos.
If this works, I will probably continue to order from 台灣好農* even after we move into our new apartment in September, and use the nearby traditional market/Orange Mart/Yogi House (they're all near our new place!) as supplemental food sources. Our new place has its own kitchen and an actual dining area just for eating. What luxuries!
*In a recent online search for reviews or media coverage about this company, I also came upon the name of another organic delivery organization called 厚生市集 (Farm Direct). After the family consumes all the produce from the delivery today, I'll probably try this one since it seems to combine the advantage of individual selecting a la GreenBox with the more environmentally-friendly packaging of Wonderful Food (GreenBox has started using large styrofoam boxes, which is the main reason I've stopped ordering from them).
Just like in Israel, the traditional markets here sell produce (and other things) at the lowest prices around. However, just like in Israel, these produce tend to be conventionally farmed. In Israel's case, that means they tend to be have five times more pesticides on them than even the conventionally-farmed produce in the US. I don't know how high the pesticide level is for Taiwan's conventionally-farmed produce, namely because the obscurity of the conventional sources makes it harder to track and such concerns are still less mainstream than in Western countries. I have come across articles responding to the recent pesticide-laced tea leaves scandals mentioning how conventional farming pollutes the water reservoirs with pesticide and fertilizer run-offs, so I'll like to support the farmers who are especially conscientious about land management. It's not enough just to go to any self-proclaimed organic health food store to acquire organic produce, however, given the number of such rackets being exposed for fraudulent claims. To that end, I had been spreading my stakes by shopping from a variety of organic stores with fairly good reputations such as Orange Mart (柑仔店), Mama Fisch (媽媽魚), Yogi House (無毒的家), and GreenBox (綠冰箱).
After about nine months of this system now, I've learned that Orange Mart--while having the largest selection--is the most expensive for organic produce and humanely-produced eggs; I can get the same items by the same farmers via online order/home delivery from GreenBox. So I now only shop at Orange Mart for more specialty items like flax seeds, wheat germs, inarizushi wrappers, and get most fresh food from GreenBox. Mama Fisch is my seafood source, which I haven't utilized as much since nobody else in the family besides me is a big seafood fan. I consumed a whole pot of clam soup by myself last night after the husband first asked me what I was making that was so stinky and the kids took some only-because-I-love-you-Mom sips. Yogi House is where I acquire the yeast for making bread at home and on occasion produce that GreenBox doesn't provide, although I mostly visit for the birds that the Yogi House owner keeps and whom Petra loves to see.
If all of these juggling and sourcing sound time-intensive and a little bit muddling, that might explain why so often I just opt to get bentos from the university's dining hall. So quick, no clean-up, and very cheap at student rates. But as I said at the beginning of this post, I really want to make home cooking and eating stick again. Today, I got my first delivery of a reasonable (for the price) amount of organic produce from a new source called 台灣好農。(Its English name is "The Wonderful Food"...which clearly shows it's a truly Taiwanese operations run by local communities.) As soon as the deliveryman handed me the box, I went to the communal kitchen and spent about an hour or so cutting up all the produce while Petra crawled around the empty cabinets and tried to lock herself in them to fake-nap. Here's hoping that the extra prep work fulfilled ahead of time will motivate me to follow-through on cooking at home even when tempted to just grab some bentos.
If this works, I will probably continue to order from 台灣好農* even after we move into our new apartment in September, and use the nearby traditional market/Orange Mart/Yogi House (they're all near our new place!) as supplemental food sources. Our new place has its own kitchen and an actual dining area just for eating. What luxuries!
*In a recent online search for reviews or media coverage about this company, I also came upon the name of another organic delivery organization called 厚生市集 (Farm Direct). After the family consumes all the produce from the delivery today, I'll probably try this one since it seems to combine the advantage of individual selecting a la GreenBox with the more environmentally-friendly packaging of Wonderful Food (GreenBox has started using large styrofoam boxes, which is the main reason I've stopped ordering from them).
Thursday, March 19, 2015
tired
I'm tired of waking up in this haze of some parts despondency, apathy, despair, and general mutedness. I don't even care to figure out the percentages because these are just feelings, illusory and ephemeral. Logically, I should be able to just wave them away with a fluttering of my hand, and get on with life.
Got to bed at 1:40am. Will try again tonight.
Got to bed at 1:40am. Will try again tonight.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
problem
I have a very real problem. I cannot get myself to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Every morning, I wake up vowing that when *this* day ends, I will be disciplined and put away my tablet or ebook and just close my eyes in bed next to my daughter and go to sleep by 11:30pm. Yet every day for the last two weeks, I have been sleeping at 2am or 3am. It's exhausting, may be part of why I have been so depressed and morose, and does not do my sense of life any favors.
Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I seem to stop?
Could it be just a symptom of how unhappy I am with my life right now? How I can't stand to just roll over and admit the end of another day in which I have done little that brings me personal joy? Could it be that I've just given up on fighting for any semblance of a disciplined life? That I have given in to slothfulness?
Trying again tonight to sleep at a more reasonable hour, and trying to make that stick for the next seven days. Sigh.
Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I seem to stop?
Could it be just a symptom of how unhappy I am with my life right now? How I can't stand to just roll over and admit the end of another day in which I have done little that brings me personal joy? Could it be that I've just given up on fighting for any semblance of a disciplined life? That I have given in to slothfulness?
Trying again tonight to sleep at a more reasonable hour, and trying to make that stick for the next seven days. Sigh.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
an interlude by a writer's block
So of course last night's tranquility was not to be taken for granted. I very rarely stop looking over my shoulder during times of relatively more ease to just enjoy the moment. I did so last night. Then I remembered this morning that I have a document for something due sometime today. I am an extremely slow typer in Chinese, not to mention my insecurity about more formal Chinese grammar, etc. Now it's 11pm and I've just managed to sneak out of the mosquito-netting-encased bed wherein my son sleeps and in which he still insists every night that one of the parental units must be present at least until he falls asleep. It took him about 1.5 hours tonight. I was getting a backache and very little done in the bed, so I must now brave the hungry mosquitoes that had hitherto been whining longingly on the other side of the net.
Must get document done...must...argh...
On the bright side, I finally rearranged Declan's toys and books vs. my ad-hoc "kitchen" area as well as changing the lighting elements around the apartment so that everything feels more efficient/neater/more aesthetically pleasing. Hooray for that. Too bad we didn't do it this way right from the start. Live and learn.
Back to writing...
Must get document done...must...argh...
On the bright side, I finally rearranged Declan's toys and books vs. my ad-hoc "kitchen" area as well as changing the lighting elements around the apartment so that everything feels more efficient/neater/more aesthetically pleasing. Hooray for that. Too bad we didn't do it this way right from the start. Live and learn.
Back to writing...
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
savoring a brief moment of victory
It's only nine pm, and yet both kids are in bed after 30 minutes of storybook reading. The living room and makeshift kitchen areas are relatively clean, and all the dishes have been carried to the shared kitchen down the dorm hall and washed and drying.
For dinner, I used the leftover spinach soup from yesterday--which is exactly the amount I needed--to cook a batch of couscous (it's amazing how quickly couscous become ready to eat. I'm honestly surprised it's not more popular outside of Middle Eastern cultures). I accompanied the couscous with used vegetables I'd cooked and frozen before we left for Chinese New Year break; after thawing out the sweet potato and garlic mash and carrot and turnip juliennes, I added them to some freshly chopped green pepper and cilantro and sauteed everything together until it smelled like they'd absorbed the dash of soy sauce and pinch of sugar. The whole dinner prep took about 15 minutes. Everyone ate everything and no more leftovers!
The above details may be rambling and insignificant to most anyone else, but I'm taking the time to chronicle an all-too-rare night by the end of which I do not as usual feel defeated, like a failure, and dreading another day of futility. Instead, I actually feel like I'm winning right now. At running the household, at spending quality time with the kids, at providing nourishing food affordably. A far cry from even just a few hours ago when I felt harassed by Petra's terrible twosomeness, her peeing on the couch and then stripping naked and refusing to get dressed again (and lots and lots of other things), and I was struggling with some online accounts, and I was feeling ordered around and snapping at Daniel... Things turned around really quickly, and all I can say now is: praise.
Tomorrow is another day.
For dinner, I used the leftover spinach soup from yesterday--which is exactly the amount I needed--to cook a batch of couscous (it's amazing how quickly couscous become ready to eat. I'm honestly surprised it's not more popular outside of Middle Eastern cultures). I accompanied the couscous with used vegetables I'd cooked and frozen before we left for Chinese New Year break; after thawing out the sweet potato and garlic mash and carrot and turnip juliennes, I added them to some freshly chopped green pepper and cilantro and sauteed everything together until it smelled like they'd absorbed the dash of soy sauce and pinch of sugar. The whole dinner prep took about 15 minutes. Everyone ate everything and no more leftovers!
The above details may be rambling and insignificant to most anyone else, but I'm taking the time to chronicle an all-too-rare night by the end of which I do not as usual feel defeated, like a failure, and dreading another day of futility. Instead, I actually feel like I'm winning right now. At running the household, at spending quality time with the kids, at providing nourishing food affordably. A far cry from even just a few hours ago when I felt harassed by Petra's terrible twosomeness, her peeing on the couch and then stripping naked and refusing to get dressed again (and lots and lots of other things), and I was struggling with some online accounts, and I was feeling ordered around and snapping at Daniel... Things turned around really quickly, and all I can say now is: praise.
Tomorrow is another day.
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