Just found out about a 10K running event coming up this Saturday by the Hsinchu Nan Liao Harbor, which I would have signed up for if I had known in time. Sigh. I guess this is part of moving to a new city--to keep missing out on things because I just don't know the place well enough. Having young kids also limit the time and energy to scout out all the places and resources.... maybe that's why I've been feeling so... I don't know. I just keep feeling like I'm missing out on life. That's a pretty self-pitying attitude, no doubt, but I can't seem to shake it.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
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