Today is dealing-with-paperwork day. We returned to Seattle from Illinois on Tuesday, and now it's Friday. Wow, time flies when you're mostly doubled-over with morning sickness all day long and you're just rationing out your energy throughout the day to keep up with a toddler. Then you wonder how you're going to manage it when your husband is soon to go out of town--the husband who's been picking up most of the slack and dealing with the toddler's poopy cloth diaper because you suddenly have the scent power of a reliable bloodhound so diaper-changing makes you dry heave some more.
But I digress. We need to visit the Taipei economic and cultural office downtown in the afternoon. Before then, in the morning, we plan to visit a free clinic for Declan's first well-visit since he's eight month old and get him vaccinated for international travel identification. I hope the international vaccine booklet may be a legitimate substitute for the Taiwan booklet that I just don't have time to translate and submit before Daniel goes to Utah. And, once again, my leeriness of vaccines and their side effects is also making me worry about how Declan might react for the rest of the day.
Well, 10 days until this period of drift and no-man's-land feel ends. That's better than 14 days. I'm looking forward especially to having access to Taiwanese food again. Last night, I dreamt I was making huge vats of marinated minced pork for a specific Taiwanese dish. There's nothing much I can eat right now without my stomach turning, and the only thing I really want to eat are things from my childhood.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
no good feelings
In about two more days, we'll be leaving Carbondale, Illinois and heading back to Seattle, Washington for two more weeks before flying to my home of Kaohsiung, Taiwan for two months before our "final" destination of Haifa, Israel.
I don't know if my periodic bursts of feeling hopeless, dread, sadness, nausea, just plain suicidal has anything to do with another descent into antepartum depression, or just the stress of all the international paperwork and packing that we've been doing every six months for the last two years, or the last week in Seattle when Daniel will go to a math conference in Utah i.e. I will be home alone with Declan and probably nobody else because that's part of moving all the time--not having any community. Or maybe once morning sickness subsides, I will feel normal again.
I hate being pregnant. I really do. If memory serves me well, it only gets worse before it gets better. This will for sure be our last child, biologically. I'm open to adoption later, but honestly, some people are just not meant to be pregnant. Ever. I hate being pregnant so badly, and dread all that will naturally follow later, that I'm actually 20% hoping that I'll have a first trimester miscarriage. It's awful, I know, but let me be honest.
Maybe all this feeling awful is homesickness, perhaps. I haven't been back home to Taiwan since our wedding banquet about 2.5 years ago. That's a really long time to be away for me, and I've been dreaming almost every night of all the food that can be found only in Taiwan. I had come upon a fruit store here in Carbondale that sells a lot of "Asian" produce, and threw caution to the wind in grabbing bags of lychee and papaya to buy. The cashier jokingly gave me a hard time about buying "the most expensive fruits in the store!" And I only waited as long as the time it took to walk out the store to break into the bag of lychee. Turned out Declan loves lychees too, but not papaya. Maybe he'll like the papaya in Taiwan; there's still no substitute for those.
Right now, he's watching cartoons in the living room with his cousins. I think I need to go at least change his diaper.
I don't know if my periodic bursts of feeling hopeless, dread, sadness, nausea, just plain suicidal has anything to do with another descent into antepartum depression, or just the stress of all the international paperwork and packing that we've been doing every six months for the last two years, or the last week in Seattle when Daniel will go to a math conference in Utah i.e. I will be home alone with Declan and probably nobody else because that's part of moving all the time--not having any community. Or maybe once morning sickness subsides, I will feel normal again.
I hate being pregnant. I really do. If memory serves me well, it only gets worse before it gets better. This will for sure be our last child, biologically. I'm open to adoption later, but honestly, some people are just not meant to be pregnant. Ever. I hate being pregnant so badly, and dread all that will naturally follow later, that I'm actually 20% hoping that I'll have a first trimester miscarriage. It's awful, I know, but let me be honest.
Maybe all this feeling awful is homesickness, perhaps. I haven't been back home to Taiwan since our wedding banquet about 2.5 years ago. That's a really long time to be away for me, and I've been dreaming almost every night of all the food that can be found only in Taiwan. I had come upon a fruit store here in Carbondale that sells a lot of "Asian" produce, and threw caution to the wind in grabbing bags of lychee and papaya to buy. The cashier jokingly gave me a hard time about buying "the most expensive fruits in the store!" And I only waited as long as the time it took to walk out the store to break into the bag of lychee. Turned out Declan loves lychees too, but not papaya. Maybe he'll like the papaya in Taiwan; there's still no substitute for those.
Right now, he's watching cartoons in the living room with his cousins. I think I need to go at least change his diaper.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
visiting daniel's family
Last night, Daniel roasted some Kona beans in preparation for morning coffee with his dad and his brother Brian, who was arriving around 1am via Amtrak from Chicago. After we came back from frozen custard with Daniel's mom and sister, Daniel opened the jar of roasted beans, tilted it towards me, and said, "Here, smell!" I inhaled the strong scent of fresh coffee beans, and promptly dry heaved and then, on the third time, vomited my dessert into the kitchen garbage can.
Morning sickness is officially upon me, and pregnancy fatigue as well. It feels like the nausea is much stronger and sooner to surface than the last time. I'm glad for Declan's nap times, which I now partake with him.
The visit to Carbondale so far has been very good. Aside from the task of sorting through all of our stored belongings--which Daniel's handling mostly while I moan on the sofa--and a 60 page long manuscript I'm supposed to be editing before Wednesday at the very latest (sigh...I really should get started on that), Daniel's family's been wonderfully kind about playing with Declan and keeping him occupied so I could rest more. I am dreading returning to Seattle after this visit and going back to being the sole caretaker of Declan while Daniel goes on a business trip.
Well, let's live in the present, shall we?
Morning sickness is officially upon me, and pregnancy fatigue as well. It feels like the nausea is much stronger and sooner to surface than the last time. I'm glad for Declan's nap times, which I now partake with him.
The visit to Carbondale so far has been very good. Aside from the task of sorting through all of our stored belongings--which Daniel's handling mostly while I moan on the sofa--and a 60 page long manuscript I'm supposed to be editing before Wednesday at the very latest (sigh...I really should get started on that), Daniel's family's been wonderfully kind about playing with Declan and keeping him occupied so I could rest more. I am dreading returning to Seattle after this visit and going back to being the sole caretaker of Declan while Daniel goes on a business trip.
Well, let's live in the present, shall we?
Friday, May 25, 2012
a boring check-in before signing off
Huzzah! Declan's Pennsylvania birth certificate and Daniel's and my marriage certificate are now pretty much all translated. I was really dragging my feet because dealing with official cross-cultural phrases and antiquated English grammar is not fun after an already-long-day of being spit on by a toddler (Declan's newest trick).
Maybe I can resolve to a pre-midnight bedtime from now on. Hopefully the people at TECO will find both documents acceptable tomorrow.
Current pesky thoughts (I shall not deem them worries as to give them too much power):
1. How will I be able to keep nursing Declan until he's at least two when I suspect I'm starting to acquire feeding aversion?
2. How would the pregnancy affect my milk supply, and vice versa?
3. How am I going to handle two kids at once?
4. Will I get truly fat and never ever be able to return to my former athletic form?
Perhaps I can take a lesson from today, when I went grocery shopping with the stroller and Declan and realized upon arriving at our doorstep -- or, rather, the long steep flight of rocky steps that leads up to the side of the house our landlords live -- that I must somehow carry a toddler, a stroller, and essentially three full bags of produce simultaneously for a (to me at the time) daunting vertical distance.
It worked out in the end. Objectively, truly not a big deal. But it felt like a giant victory. So maybe these pesky thoughts will fizzle into such small victories in retrospect. One hopes.
Maybe I can resolve to a pre-midnight bedtime from now on. Hopefully the people at TECO will find both documents acceptable tomorrow.
Current pesky thoughts (I shall not deem them worries as to give them too much power):
1. How will I be able to keep nursing Declan until he's at least two when I suspect I'm starting to acquire feeding aversion?
2. How would the pregnancy affect my milk supply, and vice versa?
3. How am I going to handle two kids at once?
4. Will I get truly fat and never ever be able to return to my former athletic form?
Perhaps I can take a lesson from today, when I went grocery shopping with the stroller and Declan and realized upon arriving at our doorstep -- or, rather, the long steep flight of rocky steps that leads up to the side of the house our landlords live -- that I must somehow carry a toddler, a stroller, and essentially three full bags of produce simultaneously for a (to me at the time) daunting vertical distance.
It worked out in the end. Objectively, truly not a big deal. But it felt like a giant victory. So maybe these pesky thoughts will fizzle into such small victories in retrospect. One hopes.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
random-ness...perhaps
So tonight.
Given there's only one week left before ma petite famille flies to the Midwest and visit family, it dawned on us that we really need to visit the TECO in Seattle asap to pick up Declan's Taiwan passport and take one more step in the process of nationalizing Declan for good and permanent residence-ing Daniel.
This means that I need to translate a birth and marriage certificate before then. The birth certificate was a piece of cake. The marriage one is giving me a headache, and possibly carpal tunnel. Not so much because the terms were complicated--I've encountered much harder assignments--but the chart/layout was gobbling up my time. I called upon the power of the Internet to help me possibly cull up some templates. No luck, as this translation gig is a money-making opportunity for certain businesses. I did, however, stumble upon several families' adoption blogs. (They all adopted from Taiwan, through one particular agency.) Beautiful stories, and with my interest piqued, I looked up the agency's name/mission/etc.
And was completely blown away.
His Hands Taiwan started in 2007. 2007?? That was right when I completed my Masters program and started a new job! If I had known about this organization at that time, I would have so applied/volunteered/made a complete nuisance of myself to get involved in its mission, especially as it's operating right in my hometown! Well, probably not. I'll explain later.
All the reasons why I returned to Taiwan to work before graduate school, all the things I care about regarding my country, all the criteria for why I searched for the job I did at that time -- concern for especially the working class, most socially vulnerable people in Taiwan, investing long-term in truly strengthening my country, hopes of sharing the gospel in a genuine, lives-entwined way --
It's all here.
After learning as much as I could, all translation work put on hold, I am now so excited I don't think I can fall asleep if I go to bed. I've been staying up too late this week, and I've been paying for it in the morning with my lack of energy to run. I really should force myself to go to bed.
But I'm so excited. By the magnitude of what God's doing. By His incredible sense of humor should I ever have the opportunity to partner with this group. Me, who never thought I'd get married. Never wanted children of my own. Always ambivalent, even now, of being a caretaker of children, although I can honestly say this work may be just as important as being the president of the United States. And so if I had known about this group in 2007, I would have still been excited about it....enough to contribute some money from my real job that I would have considered to be more prestigious. I am so different now, one difficult pregnancy, APD/PPD, and 1.5-year-old toddler later. You see, it wasn't until I went through what I did during 2010 and 2011, did I adopt an additional criterium: to care for any and all pregnant or new mothers I come upon in the future. After meeting my doula, Katie, and how wonderful and vital she was in that period of my life, I had wanted to do the same for other women. All this had been very recent development.
Good grief, if what I hope do end up happening, I will have experienced--and inhabit in--one of the best jokes / humorous stories I have ever seen God tell.
Calm down, and go to sleep. Oyasuminasai!
Given there's only one week left before ma petite famille flies to the Midwest and visit family, it dawned on us that we really need to visit the TECO in Seattle asap to pick up Declan's Taiwan passport and take one more step in the process of nationalizing Declan for good and permanent residence-ing Daniel.
This means that I need to translate a birth and marriage certificate before then. The birth certificate was a piece of cake. The marriage one is giving me a headache, and possibly carpal tunnel. Not so much because the terms were complicated--I've encountered much harder assignments--but the chart/layout was gobbling up my time. I called upon the power of the Internet to help me possibly cull up some templates. No luck, as this translation gig is a money-making opportunity for certain businesses. I did, however, stumble upon several families' adoption blogs. (They all adopted from Taiwan, through one particular agency.) Beautiful stories, and with my interest piqued, I looked up the agency's name/mission/etc.
And was completely blown away.
His Hands Taiwan started in 2007. 2007?? That was right when I completed my Masters program and started a new job! If I had known about this organization at that time, I would have so applied/volunteered/made a complete nuisance of myself to get involved in its mission, especially as it's operating right in my hometown! Well, probably not. I'll explain later.
All the reasons why I returned to Taiwan to work before graduate school, all the things I care about regarding my country, all the criteria for why I searched for the job I did at that time -- concern for especially the working class, most socially vulnerable people in Taiwan, investing long-term in truly strengthening my country, hopes of sharing the gospel in a genuine, lives-entwined way --
It's all here.
After learning as much as I could, all translation work put on hold, I am now so excited I don't think I can fall asleep if I go to bed. I've been staying up too late this week, and I've been paying for it in the morning with my lack of energy to run. I really should force myself to go to bed.
But I'm so excited. By the magnitude of what God's doing. By His incredible sense of humor should I ever have the opportunity to partner with this group. Me, who never thought I'd get married. Never wanted children of my own. Always ambivalent, even now, of being a caretaker of children, although I can honestly say this work may be just as important as being the president of the United States. And so if I had known about this group in 2007, I would have still been excited about it....enough to contribute some money from my real job that I would have considered to be more prestigious. I am so different now, one difficult pregnancy, APD/PPD, and 1.5-year-old toddler later. You see, it wasn't until I went through what I did during 2010 and 2011, did I adopt an additional criterium: to care for any and all pregnant or new mothers I come upon in the future. After meeting my doula, Katie, and how wonderful and vital she was in that period of my life, I had wanted to do the same for other women. All this had been very recent development.
Good grief, if what I hope do end up happening, I will have experienced--and inhabit in--one of the best jokes / humorous stories I have ever seen God tell.
Calm down, and go to sleep. Oyasuminasai!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
commencing transitions (again)
Tonight was the last class of my writing course at UW. I'm glad Daniel encouraged me to attend, given that I didn't really have a chance to finish the writing assignment. In the end, I shared what little I have with the class, and they all seemed to like it. Ironically, all the positive feedback I got throughout the course was the main reason why I dragged my feet in returning, week after week. I'm more accustomed to hearing people point out weaknesses and places to edit.
Still, I'm glad I took the course. What I got out of it:
(1) the momentum to write again. It's been strange how easily the stories come to me, and it was surprising to see the directions my imagination goes with the characters. I just need to sit down and write, whatever. I just need to make this a regular part of my weekly schedule. I'm also going to carry around a little notepad to jot down ideas again. Stories often arise from a line or theme.
(2) more open-mindedness. At first I was hyper-critical of other people's writing. Thankfully, the writing instructor (a local writer) set the tone for the class by how he always looked for the writer's intention and commented from there. I do think that people's writing got marginally--or even a lot--better with each session.
(3) a new desire. Well, not really new, in that I've always wanted to be a professional writer. Except I've never seriously tried. I've always been too afraid that I might not be good enough, but this experience showed me that I'm not as bad as I had thought...Maybe, with enough writing, I will actually seriously submit some stories for publications....someday soon.
Someday soon probably doesn't entail the next two years, because I found out last Saturday that I'm pregnant again. It was almost exactly like when I found out about my first pregnancy... I didn't really think I was, but there's a test. I'm lacking incentive to get out of bed. Et voila, why don't I pee on the stick and observe what seems to me a bit of divination? (I mean, people used to kill rabbits and mix the rabbit ovum with all sorts of expensive chemicals in the lab, *then* wait at least a week to find out what I could do with my urine in approximately one minute. Wouldn't you consider a home pregnancy test to be just a bit magical?) So it wasn't that I suspected anything, or greatly anticipated any particular outcome like it was the last two or three times. I actually put the stick on a counter while I started prepping breakfast.
Daniel (coming out of the bedroom): "So, what does it say?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know." (turn to glance at the stick, see: "Pregnant", think: "Huh, the 'not' is missing.") "It says...(not not) pregnant ... I'm pregnant."
It was slightly unsettling because I had dreamt the night before that Daniel was having a discussion with me about how he doesn't want another kid right now, while he's working hard in his post-doc in Israel, because "it would be too much work." In the dream, I had agreed with him.
Apparently, things are different in reality, and real-life Daniel's pretty excited. I am a bit wistful about all the trekking and teaching gigs I'll have to pass up while in Israel, but I must confess I am very thankful for this development. We got pregnant immediately with Declan the last time, which had made me take having kids for granted. This second time around, it hasn't been right-off-the-bat conception, and I had wondered if I was to experience secondary infertility as some women I know did. It made me appreciate how Declan came to be a lot more, and reconsider how much I take for granted God's blessings.
Also, this settles my torturous back-and-forth with myself about whether or not we should have a sibling for Declan, whether I could handle having more than one kid, what about my career, etc. Most assuredly, this pregnancy is a gift from God. Therefore, He will provide everything else as well.
I hope I'll be able to find a good midwife and/or doula and birthing center in Israel. I hope this pregnancy will go well.
That Saturday, after we found out, Daniel, Declan, and I spent the whole day, minus Declan's most necessary afternoon nap, at the University District street fair. I bought a $35 hand sewn hat to celebrate. The weather was superb; the best before the rain returned. It was a wonderful day.
Still, I'm glad I took the course. What I got out of it:
(1) the momentum to write again. It's been strange how easily the stories come to me, and it was surprising to see the directions my imagination goes with the characters. I just need to sit down and write, whatever. I just need to make this a regular part of my weekly schedule. I'm also going to carry around a little notepad to jot down ideas again. Stories often arise from a line or theme.
(2) more open-mindedness. At first I was hyper-critical of other people's writing. Thankfully, the writing instructor (a local writer) set the tone for the class by how he always looked for the writer's intention and commented from there. I do think that people's writing got marginally--or even a lot--better with each session.
(3) a new desire. Well, not really new, in that I've always wanted to be a professional writer. Except I've never seriously tried. I've always been too afraid that I might not be good enough, but this experience showed me that I'm not as bad as I had thought...Maybe, with enough writing, I will actually seriously submit some stories for publications....someday soon.
Someday soon probably doesn't entail the next two years, because I found out last Saturday that I'm pregnant again. It was almost exactly like when I found out about my first pregnancy... I didn't really think I was, but there's a test. I'm lacking incentive to get out of bed. Et voila, why don't I pee on the stick and observe what seems to me a bit of divination? (I mean, people used to kill rabbits and mix the rabbit ovum with all sorts of expensive chemicals in the lab, *then* wait at least a week to find out what I could do with my urine in approximately one minute. Wouldn't you consider a home pregnancy test to be just a bit magical?) So it wasn't that I suspected anything, or greatly anticipated any particular outcome like it was the last two or three times. I actually put the stick on a counter while I started prepping breakfast.
Daniel (coming out of the bedroom): "So, what does it say?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know." (turn to glance at the stick, see: "Pregnant", think: "Huh, the 'not' is missing.") "It says...(not not) pregnant ... I'm pregnant."
It was slightly unsettling because I had dreamt the night before that Daniel was having a discussion with me about how he doesn't want another kid right now, while he's working hard in his post-doc in Israel, because "it would be too much work." In the dream, I had agreed with him.
Apparently, things are different in reality, and real-life Daniel's pretty excited. I am a bit wistful about all the trekking and teaching gigs I'll have to pass up while in Israel, but I must confess I am very thankful for this development. We got pregnant immediately with Declan the last time, which had made me take having kids for granted. This second time around, it hasn't been right-off-the-bat conception, and I had wondered if I was to experience secondary infertility as some women I know did. It made me appreciate how Declan came to be a lot more, and reconsider how much I take for granted God's blessings.
Also, this settles my torturous back-and-forth with myself about whether or not we should have a sibling for Declan, whether I could handle having more than one kid, what about my career, etc. Most assuredly, this pregnancy is a gift from God. Therefore, He will provide everything else as well.
I hope I'll be able to find a good midwife and/or doula and birthing center in Israel. I hope this pregnancy will go well.
That Saturday, after we found out, Daniel, Declan, and I spent the whole day, minus Declan's most necessary afternoon nap, at the University District street fair. I bought a $35 hand sewn hat to celebrate. The weather was superb; the best before the rain returned. It was a wonderful day.
Friday, May 18, 2012
a rough patch
Not sure what's going on, but Declan's bedtime lately has become something I really, really dread. In short, it usually takes two hours of major drama for him to finally sleep, after many tears from both the toddler and parental parties. Sigh.
I feel like my days are completely held hostage by my son. I love him, of course I do. But I would love to be able to have some time to myself at night. Or better, some time with his dad at night, to catch up on a new BBC show I came upon at the library that I would really like to watch as many episodes as possible before we leave the States.
I should be thankful that at least Declan's not ill. That it's most likely just a sign he's reaching another developmental milestone--but quel night!
And the other consolation is that, finally, after three months of going to the Y mostly daily, I'm starting to feel my running mojo coming back. My love for running is returning. Now if only I have more opportunities to cruise around Green Lake before we leave.
I feel like my days are completely held hostage by my son. I love him, of course I do. But I would love to be able to have some time to myself at night. Or better, some time with his dad at night, to catch up on a new BBC show I came upon at the library that I would really like to watch as many episodes as possible before we leave the States.
I should be thankful that at least Declan's not ill. That it's most likely just a sign he's reaching another developmental milestone--but quel night!
And the other consolation is that, finally, after three months of going to the Y mostly daily, I'm starting to feel my running mojo coming back. My love for running is returning. Now if only I have more opportunities to cruise around Green Lake before we leave.
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