little changes

I was starting to get a little concerned when relatives, friends, and strangers would intermittently ask if Declan was talking yet, and I had to say, "No, not really." He grunted, he gestured, he started panting like an excited puppy and danced a little jig if I made a motion towards something he wanted me to give him. Daniel's family friend, who has a PhD in early education, said it's common for kids growing up in bilingual homes to verbalize a little later. My friend, a speech therapist who works mostly with children, said Declan's very physically communicative and has strong eye contact, so it's cool.

And then, it seemed all of a sudden, he started making sense. Now Declan says, quite clearly, ball, balloon, bubbles, tree, mama, daddy, popo (grandma), yee yee (Cantonese for "aunt"), cat, dog (accompanied with "woof woof"), bird, airplane, diaper, water, shoes, flower. Hm...what else. That's all I can remember at the moment. Some of these words are in Chinese, some in English, some in both. He also sometimes points to my nipples after nursing and says "da da". I...don't know what that means.

Also, I'm currently taking a night writing class, and I have to say it's a bit of a like-hate relationship as of now. On one hand, I think most of the other people's writing really suck (to be perfectly honest--inner cringe at my snobbery). On the other hand, I am not sure if I am not one of them. What I am sure of: I am learning better writing techniques. I am learning what people appreciate in stories. I am learning to make time during the days to actually sit down and write.

It would be nice if I could become a professional writer one day. Have to start somewhere, right?

Tomorrow is Daniel's and my third-year wedding anniversary. This morning, instead of working out after we put Declan in the Y's kid's gym, we sat on the couch in the community room and kind of hashed out the state of our union from engagement up to now, and what we hope for in the future.

Later in the afternoon, Declan tore a piece of his pinkie's skin off while playing with the tea kettle. He literally cried all the way to the park. (I slipped him into the Ergo and walked him to Meridian Park after he cried and cried through my cleaning the wound and trying to put a bandaid over it. Getting him out of the house and hopefully distracting him with other things seemed the only way to stop him from trying to pull his finger off.) Once at the park, we ended up befriending another mom, who told me to email her as we said good-bye. Really, it was only a few sentences of exchange about our kids. It's so nice to meet friendly people who genuinely mean their friendliness.

P.S. In writing class today, the instructor asked me what I do all day. As in, what my profession is. My mind went blank before I replied, "Oh, I basically take care of my son all day." "Ah," he said, "I had a lot of friends who used to write a lot, and then once they had kids, they didn't write again until 20 years later." Sooooo encouraging. Also, I'm really mad at myself for (1) not mentioning the editing jobs I occasionally get here and there and (2) feeling the need to justify myself in this way. Bah.

what i love

That I got to enjoy 10 minutes of quiet reading with a cup of coffee at the Y today, peacefully content about the childcare and playtime that Declan was enjoying at the moment.  After having a kid, to have some time and space to oneself is as good as it gets. That might sound sad, but actually what could be better than appreciating life's simple pleasures such as sitting quietly by oneself for a time, without taking such a lovely thing for granted?

That my husband is a kind-hearted man who thought nothing of sacrificing his work-out today to hold and comfort some stranger's child because, for some reason, my husband was the only one in the room the child was willing to be with. Anybody else would set the child bawling, so Daniel stayed and took care of him for more than an hour until the child's mother arrived at the child care room to pick him up after her workout.

That my little family is going to Haifa, Israel, and before then, Taiwan for two months. I discovered last night that Haifa's Chinese name is 海法, which I really like. It literally means "the law of the sea." I know that Chinese names of foreign cities tend to be purely transliteration, with any name significance being purely coincidence. Still, I think it's cool.  I love the ocean, and am glad that Haifa is a major port city. I also checked out some videos of the Technion and its history in the past 100 years.  With its scientific significance to the Jewish people, who were banned from studying the sciences in Europe until post WWII, it occurs to me that the establishment and success of the Technion is a real monument to Israeli perseverance and determination, not to mention defiance against bigotry and intellectual genocide.  What an honor that, in researching for its math department, Daniel is playing a part in this school's endeavors.

That I got a shorter haircut today at Ten Pachi, a really nice haircut place that is super affordable. I love that my friend Christy knows all the best places in Seattle for fashionable and stylish things, but who's also very down-to-earth and frugal so that these best places are also economical to boot. And that Declan fell asleep on Daniel's shoulders while we were walking home, and aside from one brief nursing session, is currently sleeping by himself. *Scream of excitement* It's a big deal for me to be able to have some physical freedom. Booyah!

Upon recently hearing about a former college friend's upcoming wedding through the Facebook grapevine, I experienced a brief dose of nostalgia and recalled our last interactions at another friend's wedding.  Since then, we've definitely lost touch, and I never heard anything about her mission trip even though I sent her $500 via her organization to help with the trip expenses. She also didn't reply my wedding invitation until I emailed her for a response, and then I received a fairly curt "No, not coming" with nothing else (reason, apology, best wishes)... It was really strange, given that I used to run with her and she had visited in Oregon during one post-college summer.  It made me think about how everyone in that college group has pretty much paired off with each other and it's fortunate that I don't need to feel left out or anything. I've made a life of my own, which isn't so much made by me as is presented to me with many twists and turns by God.

It's just interesting how far we've come, all of us, from those days in which I was highly inexperienced at living well. What I love is that, as I continue to learn in living better -- more faithfully, more meaningfully -- my husband and my son are the compatriots who will journey with me, no matter what. And we won't drift apart.

clingy toddler

I was up to here with impatience, feeling suffocated, what have you by 7pm tonight. As Declan nursed on me for three hours during his afternoon nap, I wondered if he would ever learn to sleep on his own. Ever. I also wondered if I would really be able to handle taking care of another child plus this clingy kid. I know, I know, stop obsessing about it already. I have a high school classmate who recently wrote on her Facebook wall: "Tax day is OVER. Now I can go back to being a stay-at-home mom. And getting healthy enough to become a baby incubator."

This is the same person who gave birth to her second daughter one month before I gave birth to my first (and--I thought at the time--only) child, and wrote on her Facebook wall then that she loved the calm and quiet of the newborn days. Given the fearful and stress-filled haze I went through, it made me really question myself as a mother. I wish I could love being a mother like she does.

And then Declan took forever to go to sleep at bedtime. I just got really tired of it all and refused to nurse after a while, so he decided to roll around on the bed instead. At one point, he grabbed me with both hands and then pulled me in (he's strong!) close for a really tight hug.

Okay, kid. You're lucky that you're so cute and sweet.

It's not that I don't like being Declan's mom. It's just that sometimes it would really be nice to have a break. That's one aspect of being a nanny/babysitter that I miss.

a mid-month report

A flurry of visits from first my mom, and then Daniel's mom and sister. We pulled out the living room futon, thus halving the size of the room instantaneously. Now that we've pulled the futon back to its couch shape, the living/sitting/family room seems enormous. Size, such a relative thing.

Declan's sleeping habits was shot to hell by the small space (i.e. more lights and noises, not easy to block) and excitement of having visitors. My mom would regale me with stories of nannies drugging their charges to sleep as Daniel and I tagged teamed to put the wailing toddler to bed. Why does she always do that? Telling me horrible, really negative things when I am at my lowest. She did it during my pregnancy, during my hours of labor, during the first week of Declan's life (the only time she was there with me, thank God)... I know my mom means well, that telling stories is her way of trying to connect, and truly she's getting better about giving me more personal space, and I suppose given her upbringing, this is the inevitable direction. I would like to be a lot less negative myself, and not be so affected. Tonight's the first night of peace and calm. I did spend one whole hour nursing Declan, praying he'll sleep. Daniel finally traded duty with me, and they have now fallen asleep together.

This toddler's sleeping habits and still-persistent nursing are two big reasons why, even though I was surprisingly very disappointed, it was also a little bit of a relief to find out a few days ago that I was not, as Daniel insisted with certainty, pregnant. I suppose all my bad feelings were purely psychosomatic, and God in His infinite wisdom is telling us to wait. I must admit that a lot of my desire to have another kid now is because I just want to get the whole wondering thing over with: Will our next kid be a girl or a boy? Where will s/he be born? Will I be able to handle taking care of two young kids? Will I slip into antepartum and postpartum depression again? When will I ever be in shape again? When will I ever have a career or job again? How will I educate the kids? What relationship will they have with each other? What's the best age spacing for them? What adventures will the second kid miss by our waiting before s/he joins our family?

Can you not see why I just want to say stop to all this by resolving the matter as soon as possible?

Ah, a matter of faith, yet again. I am too restless by half. I suppose it's natural when I'm really just not used to this kind of life at all, and feel the urge to control something -- only to discover that, of course, I am never in control if I truly want God to be.

So, okay then. Okay. Right now, what we are sure of is that with my part-time job of teaching elementary school kids over, Daniel's math research with the Technion is the focus of our weekdays. I will start focusing on studying Hebrew and also prepare for the short story class I signed up for (gulp). Hopefully Declan will do his part in playing, learning, and growing. He's still not talking yet, but seems to understand all that we say. He had been playing with our cell phones today and placed them who knew where. I asked Declan to "show Daddy where you've put them," and he led Daniel to a desk drawer, where both cell phones were found. He also likes to point at any animal (birds, dogs, squirrels) and say "CAT" in Chinese, as well as make long vowel sounds akin to "PLANE" in Chinese when he sees planes flying overheard.

I'm still not sure how this bilingual thing is going to work out, but I'll continue to talk with him in both Chinese and English.

holy saturday 2012

The most perfect day.

Lots of sunshine. The sky an uninterrupted blue. Walking along the skybridge towards the Wallingford farmers' market, both Declan and I couldn't stop looking up at the sky, at how clear it was.

Stopped by the University park before we hit the market. Declan cackled excitedly as he climbed unto the jungle gym and slid down the large blue covered slide...repeat ad infinitum, or until Daniel saw the glazed tired look in Declan's eyes, and decided enough was enough. The latter screamed unhappily as he was forced to part with his giant toy fixture. We distracted him with the falling cherry blossom petals that were drifting off like perfect snowflakes from their tree branches. I was amused by how Declan crawled under the series of ever-lowered wood stairs of the gym.

Bought some salmon caviar directly from the fisherman. One more dish for Easter dinner with Christy, Eddie, and his girlfriend: scrambled eggs with green onions we'd grown ourselves, garnished with caviar. I'll also be trying to serve artichokes from the first time ever.

After Declan's usual 1.5-hour-long nap time, I wistfully paused my reading of The Jewel of the Kalderash (my new favorite series...I stumbled upon it and decided to try it simply because the female main character has the girl name I would like to name any potential daughter) so that we could take advantage of the sunlight some more. The University of Washington quad is the place to be on a day like today, and apparently every family that lives within a 10-mile radius of it seemed to agree. I saw really pregnant women everywhere. And kids, and dogs, and Asian model-esque girls strewn all over the tops of the cherry blossom trees there. Declan really wanted to be up on the trees, so Daniel scaled one and I hoisted the boy up to him. The boy, once again, shrieked with pleasure.

We had a really good time.

The restaurant we popped into in the University village for an informal dinner ended up serving Daniel the wrong entree. After apologizing, they decided to essentially give us the wrong entree for free while still serving his original order, just a little later. We were so stuffed at the end. It's funny, because I was a little worried about money as we were ordering but decided to trust that it'll be okay. As it turned out, yes.

This is one of the happiest days I've enjoyed in a really, really long time. Now if only Declan would go to bed peacefully.

maundy thursday 2012

Tonight, the plan was to find a few friends who share the faith and dine with them somewhere in Seattle. Not at home, per usual, since it's Holy Week (and also I'm tired of cooking plus I haven't cleaned the kitchen since I fell prey to some sort of stomach upset that lasted about three days last week. Daniel's been doing the dishes and keeping the ants at bay.)

But, in the end, it was just Daniel, Declan, and me. Which is perfectly fine, but I do hope we'll have more of a community sometime soon. I wonder how that would happen in Israel. As it is, I'm just kind of tired of making the effort, for now. Always being the one to send dinner invitations. Always being the one to cook and entertain. Before it starts to sound like I'm complaining--I really enjoy inviting people over and having everyone eat together. It's just... I feel like, the way I did when I moved from the West Coast to Michigan, that it wouldn't really matter if I were to die suddenly. Excepting Daniel and Declan, everyone else's daily life would be pretty much untouched. Unaffected by my passing. That is slightly demoralizing. Yes, I also sound quite narcissistic, don't I?

Let me beat back the general trend of this blog to be all Debbie Downer all the time by stating for the record that we (I think I can speak for the others) had a really good time. We had planned to eat at Chipotle, but ended up eating at an Asian-American joint closer to where we live and stopping by next door for frozen yogurt afterwards. Declan didn't eat much of dinner but did end up bogarting the rest of my dessert. I'm really amazed by how many teeth are starting to pop out of his gum line. Because, as any regular reader should know now, I tend to think worst case scenario, so. I try not to pay too close attention to which ones are pushing out next because it makes me overly sensitive to possible pain. So far he's been curiously resilient, aside from at-times constant nursing through the night. Probably for comfort. That's really the only reason why I wish he would eat more, so he'd stop relying so much on breast milk. It's neat how much Declan likes to eat pomegranate. Unfortunately, Trader Joe's recently stopped selling them.

As Daniel and I sat by the window table of Yogurtland, and Declan wandered around on the other side of the room--looking at designs showing each yogurt flavor, I enjoyed the peace and quiet and asked, "Are you sure you want another kid?"

D: "Absolutely."

A: "Why??"

D: "Because it'll be great after five years! Having kids is like owning appreciating stock."

O...kay. Well, there is a possibility kid#2 is on his/her way. I plan to check in two weeks' time.

And that concludes this day in Holy Week.

o failure, i know thee too well

Wow. Today's work day kicked. my. ass. Instead of the usual morning workout with Daniel, I stayed home to write a three-act play in Chinese for my students. The play is based on ideas they had hashed out themselves, so I can thankfully not take credit for the crazy plot line. Somehow I tied all the quirky and odd details into one coherent story. This marks the first time I write a story entirely in pinyin.

So after about two to three hours of this, I was actually pretty excited to introduce and rehearse this play with my students. I even planned extra lesson materials in case we run out of work to do. Talk about unrealistically optimistic. In retrospect, I should have included English translation and very limited copies for them to have themselves. Nobody except two students consistently paid attention to me in class. It was awful. I have zero disciplinary skills. I only know how to teach. And that begs the question: If a teacher cannot discipline a class room full of students, could s/he still be considered a good teacher? I guess that depends on one's expectation of a teacher. Daniel said a GREAT teacher would be able to discipline as well as teach. Well, that settles it. I am definitely not a GREAT teacher.

And that really, really kind of tears me up a little. I don't want to dedicate to my life's work to something I'm not GREAT at. If teaching's not something I'm GREAT at, why not do something else? Then the sad truth descends upon me. Maybe I'm not GREAT or even good at anything at all.

That's why it's so hard to put this rough day behind me. Because it's quite possible that a facade of my self-image has been ripped apart, and I am glimpsing a piece of the ugly truth behind... that I am a mediocre person at best.

What am I basing my life and worth upon?

It must be great to be someone who's good at basically anything. Several people I know comes to mind, in that that's how they think of / believe about themselves. That confidence... I don't know if it's ill-founded, but it's something I never have. Would that make a difference?

Back to work...revamping the ol' play and adding more student-friendly translations and templates.