a mid-month report

A flurry of visits from first my mom, and then Daniel's mom and sister. We pulled out the living room futon, thus halving the size of the room instantaneously. Now that we've pulled the futon back to its couch shape, the living/sitting/family room seems enormous. Size, such a relative thing.

Declan's sleeping habits was shot to hell by the small space (i.e. more lights and noises, not easy to block) and excitement of having visitors. My mom would regale me with stories of nannies drugging their charges to sleep as Daniel and I tagged teamed to put the wailing toddler to bed. Why does she always do that? Telling me horrible, really negative things when I am at my lowest. She did it during my pregnancy, during my hours of labor, during the first week of Declan's life (the only time she was there with me, thank God)... I know my mom means well, that telling stories is her way of trying to connect, and truly she's getting better about giving me more personal space, and I suppose given her upbringing, this is the inevitable direction. I would like to be a lot less negative myself, and not be so affected. Tonight's the first night of peace and calm. I did spend one whole hour nursing Declan, praying he'll sleep. Daniel finally traded duty with me, and they have now fallen asleep together.

This toddler's sleeping habits and still-persistent nursing are two big reasons why, even though I was surprisingly very disappointed, it was also a little bit of a relief to find out a few days ago that I was not, as Daniel insisted with certainty, pregnant. I suppose all my bad feelings were purely psychosomatic, and God in His infinite wisdom is telling us to wait. I must admit that a lot of my desire to have another kid now is because I just want to get the whole wondering thing over with: Will our next kid be a girl or a boy? Where will s/he be born? Will I be able to handle taking care of two young kids? Will I slip into antepartum and postpartum depression again? When will I ever be in shape again? When will I ever have a career or job again? How will I educate the kids? What relationship will they have with each other? What's the best age spacing for them? What adventures will the second kid miss by our waiting before s/he joins our family?

Can you not see why I just want to say stop to all this by resolving the matter as soon as possible?

Ah, a matter of faith, yet again. I am too restless by half. I suppose it's natural when I'm really just not used to this kind of life at all, and feel the urge to control something -- only to discover that, of course, I am never in control if I truly want God to be.

So, okay then. Okay. Right now, what we are sure of is that with my part-time job of teaching elementary school kids over, Daniel's math research with the Technion is the focus of our weekdays. I will start focusing on studying Hebrew and also prepare for the short story class I signed up for (gulp). Hopefully Declan will do his part in playing, learning, and growing. He's still not talking yet, but seems to understand all that we say. He had been playing with our cell phones today and placed them who knew where. I asked Declan to "show Daddy where you've put them," and he led Daniel to a desk drawer, where both cell phones were found. He also likes to point at any animal (birds, dogs, squirrels) and say "CAT" in Chinese, as well as make long vowel sounds akin to "PLANE" in Chinese when he sees planes flying overheard.

I'm still not sure how this bilingual thing is going to work out, but I'll continue to talk with him in both Chinese and English.

slow progress

I am almost too weary to write, except that now I really wish I had kept more of a record during my first year in Pittsburgh. It was a similar situation as it is now, as I live each day unsure of what the next will be. Or if we're even going anywhere at all. And any record of living in the moment back then might help alleviate the daily stress now.

Still no apartment. Lots of calls back that the places we were interested in got rented already. We went to see a place that is pretty nice and is within our cost range out of our savings for the determined period of time that we're willing to pay while still unemployed. As we were deliberating regarding this place that was just posted on craigslist a few hours ago (and we got there soon after), a woman that showed up to see the place as well five minutes after us decided to take it.

So there's that. I did get a part-time job today, after a phone interview and a face-to-face interview downtown. It pays well and is fairly interesting. Unfortunately, it's only for two days a week, so I'll be able to pay for our groceries but that's about it for now. Another interview offer came, for a part-time job position that pays all right and would add another $600 to my monthly paycheck if I get the job. HOWEVER, it would require me to work on weekends, and the block of work-time is long enough to prevent Daniel and me from sharing childcare duties in the event that Daniel gets a job too.

After tortured deliberations, I had to reply a sad decline. Argh.

It's nice to know that I'm hirable though, and far better than sending out ten job applications when I first arrived in Pittsburgh and not hearing anything at all from any of the organizations.

I'm excited about the opportunity to officially work again, and a downtown job at that. Still, we are essentially continuing to operate on our savings, and that worries me. I have never been in debt, and I hope we won't come to that. Far from it.

This time has been really challenging regarding my attitude/dependence on money, especially in relation to my faith in God. It is also challenging me regarding thankfulness. I catch myself thinking at times: Oh, if only Daniel (or I) have that position that can cover all of our expenses! Then I would be happy/content/grateful.

Really? I am not already fall-on-my-knees thankful for what God has done, is doing, and will do for me and my family? It's ludicrous. Really. And so I give thanks, during this chaotic, uncertain, scary, humbling time.