a late night / early morning moment in the life of a toddler's mom

So Declan woke up wanting to play sometime around 1:30am. I suspected he was awoken by a pooping session. My suspicion was confirmed by Daniel around 1:50am. Commence attempt to putting the baby to sleep again around 2am as I drifted between consciousness and conferring with a group of phantom parents about Declan's odd behaviors. Failure by 2:20am resulted in my leaving the bedroom upon Daniel's request (Declan usually calms down enough to sleep when I'm not around. Sigh). It is now 4:22am.

Should I sleep now or just pull up the document I need to translate and get it over with? How am I going to feel in the morning?

And where did the last two hours go? Aside from my fighting the temptation to boil up and consume some dumplings?

running lists

What I will miss about living in Hangzhou

-------------------------------------------------------

1. The local and expat people I've started to become good friends with here

2. Accessibility of produce, library, walking area all by biking or walking

3. Being able to just wear a jacket in late November

4. Living as a local in a major tourist city (biking past huge tourist groups on my way home along the West Lake)

5. Being able to care for families with young children and the orphans at the province hospital.

6. Eating at the Muslim noodle shop with Daniel and Declan; ordering our usual lamb rice and beef noodle soup

7. Walking through the bamboo forest corridor in the early morning fog

What I will NOT miss about living in Hangzhou

--------------------------------------------------------

1. Constant cigarette smoke around Declan everywhere we go

2. Nonstop staring and Declan being grabbed / unsolicited crazy parenting "advice"

3. Products of questionable quality / Not knowing any ingredients or source of our produce

4. Dusty, polluted air and angry car/bus horns at all hours

5. Not able to let Declan run around on grass because people spit and children defecate everywhere in public.

6. Waiting for Daniel to finish his 3.5 year long contract in a job that he dislikes / waiting for us to leave so I can have our next kid in a cleaner place without separating our family

7. Banned internet sites and censored news / China's propaganda and censorship branch that crashes our VPN even when I search for something innocuous like "cultural studies."

8. Having such a tiny bathroom that a) Declan is absolutely not allowed to go in i.e. making bathroom/laundry time for Daniel or me when we're alone with him a bit difficult, b) a faint trace of urine from the diaper bag and wastebasket pervades our living room, and c) I try to shower as little as possible because it consists of standing in a shallow pan between the toilet and the washing machine and trying my best not to get the toilet seat/floor too wet.

What I plan to start doing immediately upon resettling in the U.S.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Make almond milk from scratch

2. Prepare food from small farms and organic/grass-fed/pasture-raised sources (craving beef stew and roasted root vegetables)

3. Take Declan bike-riding with helmets for both of us around clean air

4. Join a Pilates, spinning, and Krav Maga class.

5. Start translating and editing for my freelance jobs in earnest

6. Start putting together my PhD application

7. Find trustworthy childcare to accomplish #4, #5, and #6

8. Stay informed on daily news around the world and especially Asia with reliable and unrestricted Internet

9. Check out lots of children's books from the public library every week and take Declan to storytimes; Use the public library extensively for my own reading purposes as well.

10. Make fun of Tea Party-ers.

11. Get the Free Friday book every week for my Nook (after I've resolved all problems with it caused by international copyright issues)

It's clear that if I were childless, China would be tolerable. But parenthood changes one's priorities in an indescribably deep way. These lists will be continually updated as more things cross my mind.

Things I need to do before we leave

-------------------------------------

1. Make a list of things to give away; distribute on forums/to our friends

2. Give away things

3. Pack up boxes

4. Ship boxes via China Post

5. Pack up luggages

6. Plan timeline for the last few days (leave early and tour Shanghai for four days?)

7. Finish translating for local factory

8. Sign agreement and start translating for seeJesus.net

9. Say bye to friends

the calm before the storm?

I've been feeling so lethargic lately. Maybe it's the natural consequence/side effect of my family's decision to relocate back to the U.S. My usual chore-addressing has gone dormant, and the tiny apartment shows the lack.

Resolve for the fifth time to start anew tomorrow. I am pretty excited to attend a Thanksgiving brunch at K.K.'s home. It's really sad that we're leaving so soon just as I've got to know so many expat moms who finally, finally understand exactly where I'm coming from. I think the usual period of time to acclimate oneself to a new place is about four months. And that's about how much time we have been here. Everyone we've befriended asked us to reconsider, and I've been very, very surprised by how much longing I feel as well in not wanting to leave them. My husband said that it's always this way: when the struggle to put up with all the crap is finally surrendered, then we become free to really love the people we're with. I should remember this.

That's really it: I will miss so many people I could call friends by now. But for more reasons than I have time or energy to record just now, I'm also a bit excited that we're leaving in about a month's time, God willing. I'm glad for all the problems we ran into, because they prevented us from getting too comfortable here, so that we really examine if it's worth remaining here. And how that is not all that relevant to where we want to go as a family and even as individuals.

And besides my needing to pull myself together again for the sprint to the finish line, we are awaiting some of the loose ends to resolve themselves as they are out of our control. Their outcomes bear drastic changes to our direction, one way or another, and if I had been the person I was before I came to China, I would have been on pins and needles right now. But I have learned a great deal about trusting God since then. And what that looks like in a world where we both have the absolute freedom to choose how we spend our time and where, and yet paradoxically rest securely in His timing and plans.

a somber period of time

I miss Thanksgiving in the States. This is the one purely American holiday that I truly enjoy. When I was teaching, the Thanksgiving break usually marked the beginning of the end of the term. It made me thankful.

Right now my little family unit in China is going through a life-changing decision-making process. And I'm awash with differing emotions even within the same hour. The impact is even more pronounced on my husband, and I don't think he's taking it well at all. It touches upon deep character issues that he's never had to struggle with before. I had to go through them when I gave up my job, put my career on hold, became pregnant and then a mother, so I'm a bit restive to be in the same emotional place again with him. But I should be more compassionate.

Sigh. It is a relief to know that God has got us covered, no matter what choices we make. I also got a job offer today that I had to turn down. Always torn between wanting to stay home and care for my son full-time and having some work of my own.

remember

He is a great God beyond my comprehension to be able and willing to bear my angry outbursts and still want a relationship with me. Sometimes I wonder.

what i'll like to improve upon

Well, many things, obviously. But the single most urgent item is belonging to a community of like-minded mothers. The stark difference between today and yesterday showed me just how necessary this is.

These few days at Shanghai Jiao Tong University has been pretty bad. If I had thought that Zhejiang University's math dept isn't very child-friendly, the school atmosphere here is even worse. Apparently the mathematicians here work until midnight or so and most of the ones with wives and kids don't really see them much. In fact, their families tend to live elsewhere. Like Hong Kong or the U.S. Yesterday, I was basically alone with my child for 12+ hours and no break. And by alone, I mean nobody else to talk or interact with except my child, save the random people on campus or hotel staff that gave me annoyed looks for having a child with me.

It made me wonder if I could really handle having another kid, if I have to do it all alone by myself here.

Today, I went to the other side of the lake I visited yesterday, and I stumbled upon a plethora of other moms (not just grandparents!) with their children. They were running around, chasing birds, snacking together picnic-style. It was awesome. My son naturally attracted a lot of attention, since he looks so obviously mixed. But this time my conversations with the moms didn't automatically fall into the critiquing me for still nursing him, not dressing him warm enough in 70 degree weather, etc. Two of the moms actually cited along with me the stats I read on WHO's site for why I care for my son the way I do. It was so refreshing. And then I saw that we were fairly close to the east entrance/exit of the school, and the city itself looks a lot different than things in general on campus.

So, even though my time on campus has been pretty much crap, I think I would like being in Shanghai, the city itself, a lot better. I actually found like-minded moms here. And even if I could only hang out with just my son all over again for the rest of today, I feel recharged and sane enough again to be content about that. I think my extrovert side is starting to revive itself one year after my son's birth. There is a group of expat moms in Hangzhou that I recently emailed with, and we're scheduled to meet after I return from Shanghai. I really really hope that this could be a mothers' group I could belong to.

a momentary ennui

Some days, I do a better job of being patient and thankful for my current life. Today is kind of not one of those days... I passed by a classroom of about 50 students this morning while backpacking my son back to the hotel at Shanghai Jiao Tong University. There was an instructor scrawling all over the multi-paneled blackboards at the front of the room. That used to be me... and I really miss engaging in the world of ideas. Seeing that spark of excitement and intrigue in my students' eyes. I never fully appreciated my freedom and my work before I gave them up for motherhood. I wonder...is this "it" for me?

Where am I going?