Declan and Daniel are sleeping away in the master bedroom. Sigh. If Declan doesn't wake up in half an hour's time, the whole getting up at 2am and not going to sleep again may replay itself. I know that it took about a week when we flew to Chicago from China in order for everyone to get aligned with the local time, but unlike in Chicago, I'm actually pretty much adjusted now myself, and it's like taking care of a newborn again when Declan fusses for me to get up with him.
My initial hope was that he would just take a late afternoon nap around 3:30pm, after we came back from visiting a potential church we might join during the duration of our visit. Two months is a fairly long time to go without any community, and I hope we can find a strong one. It's too hard to go it alone with a kid in tow. I often wonder why I seem to struggle so much more than any other moms. That's what it feels like anyway, as I feel more dread and loneliness and frustration and uncertainty every day than anything else. Daniel said that considering the fact that before the age of two, Declan would have lived in four different countries and have visited more than ten different cities, perhaps it's not so much that I'm incompetent as our lives have been and are just insane in terms of providing me as a new mom with any semblance of stability.
I hope that's the reason. And that things will be a little better with the new baby, even though we would be in a new land in which I currently don't speak the language.
While waiting for the other two members of my family to wake up, I started surfing the net. Dreading a bit another new start to a church relationship in this coming weekend. Truthfully, I have such a conflicted experience with every church I've ever been to, and I recently noticed how in all the weddings of people I know in my Pittsburgh local church, all the girls have at least two other girls from our church as their bridesmaids. This demonstrates to me the depth of friendships that were shared in the church I went to...in contrast with my wedding. My bridesmaids (excluding family) were entirely outside of that church. In fact, none of my church friends knew the two girls.
I thought further about how in the church I went to during college, everyone there essentially married each other off. I really have to think hard about someone there who married "outside." And I personally disliked dating guys I went to church with; not sure why.
All this to say, I've always felt an estrangement from others in the churches I attended. And frankly, I'm tired of it... I wonder what it is about me that screams standoffishness. I wonder if I'll ever belong anywhere. While looking through old fb pictures of a recently married Pittsburgh friend, I came upon a kayaking trip I got randomly invited on in the last minute and in which I had one of the best times of hanging out with church people ever. It made me miss the people I hung out with on that trip a great deal, and I wish I had treasured our time more than I had while I was living it.
Also, damn, I looked so thin in those pictures. I actually had a flat stomach! Oh, the past that will never be again. :P
Maybe your reasons for going to church are just different from most peoples, who seem to go mostly for the social aspect. Not that I know anything about church.
ReplyDeleteBut I often wonder the same thing about myself when I look at the FB pages of my old friends in the US. Was it me who was stand-offish or was it them?
Hm, I don't know if a difference in purpose might be the root cause. Perhaps I will survey people after services end in the future by asking why they came to church that day. :)
DeleteWhat makes you wonder if you're more stand-offish than your old friends in the US? Do they seem to keep in touch with each other better than you are with them?
For FB, some of my sisters friends added me and I didn't know if they were being nosey or if they actually liked me. She thinks they are "her" friends so I never bothered to get to know them. Plus they are mostly a bunch of snooty Anthropology/Urban Outfitters shoppers who think $200 dollar dresses and shoes are important.
ReplyDeleteBut one of them I really like, and she included me in the mass email (that wasn't that mass) about her new daughter. I didn't even know she had my email. I never reached out to her because she knows everyone in my home town, the bloggers, the party people, the snooty shoppers, the hippy's, the people with bands, all types. I guess I thought she had enough friends.
I like to gawk at $200 dresses and shoes, but I cannot in good conscience actually slap down the money for them. Part of the fun in good shopping is finding good deals.
DeleteThat's cool that one of them, whom you happen to like, wanted to include you in such an important part of her life. Maybe, while she might know everyone in town, there's actually few that she truly connects with? I always found it surprising when I hear people assume I know (and therefore hang out) with so many friends. I really don't... I just come in contact with a lot of people because I have moved so much. I still long for more true friends.