lovely discoveries

It's been a bit of a downer Christmas this year given that Daniel got really sick/chose this week to go through coffee detox aka caffeine withdrawal. So my original plan to try a Chinese restaurant (of mixed reviews) in the German Colony and walk around afterwards checking out the Christmas lights around there on Christmas Eve/night was no longer possible. However, we still got to continue the Jewish-American tradition of celebrating Christmas i.e. eat at an Asian dining establishment. In this case, a sushi bar called Japanika that I had been curious about whenever we pass by it while strolling after dinner around Merkaz HaCarmel.

And! Because of Declan's severe motion sickness on local buses here due to the curvy, windy terrain of Haifa, we mostly constrain our travel plans with him to the Carmelit. Needing to return some overdue English children's books we'd checked out in Hadar, we stumbled our way around the area after getting off at the Solel Boneh station--and came upon the long-heard-about Oriental market, East/West, as well as the staircase entrance to the part of Wadi Nisnas in which the Holiday of Holidays Festival is held during the weekends of this month--an event I'd failed in my mission to locate the last time we traipsed down there. Most importantly, we also found that the Haifa Children's Library is in fact possible to walk to from the Carmelit. In fact, a closer station would have been the Hanevi'im stop. And! As we were walking towards the library, after checking out East/West, we also came upon the spice store and butcher shop opposite it that I've heard other expats recommend in FB groups.

I'm quite happy with these discoveries, as they'd been on my list of "getting to really know Haifa" for a while now. East/West was a bit anticlimactic... Sure, it's nice to know where I could get shrimp and other non-kosher seafood, but I don't think I'll shop there due to sanitary reasons apart from the staples of Asian seasoning (soy sauce, mirin, etc). I'm ecstatic to know that the Carmelit is a reasonable mode of transportation to get to the library. This is huge for Declan's benefit.

The librarians are so nice at the library... I'll detail this later as it has to do with one aspect of Arab culture that I truly appreciate. And now I need to finish making lunch for the family so we won't be late in catching the train afterwards to pick up Daniel's mom from Ben Gurion Airport.

an unexpected day trip

After literally two straight days of heavy rain interspersed with hailstorms, thunder, and lightning, I was about to resign myself to another day of being stuck at home as much as possible to avoid conditions outside when the weather cleared (enough) by 10:30am today. So Daniel, Declan, and I ended up doing the usual Friday grocery run before the stores shut down for the weekend, and we finally visited Wadi Nisnas, the Arab/Christian neighborhood in Haifa close to downtown. There are a number of buses that go there, but we chose to ride on the Carmelit because of Declan's motion sickness issue, despite its lack of free transfer within 1.5 hour upon the first boarding that the Egged buses would have provided. The Carmelit is just a straight up-down travel route, and thankfully it worked out. Declan even munched on some Cheerios as the subway shuttled downhill.

Wandering around Wadi Nisnas (aka "mongoose valley" as translated from its Arabic name), it made me wish a little wistfully/hypothetically that I was childless still. And not pregnant. The mobility and extra energy would allow me to do more exploring, etc. There are so many nooks and crannies to poke around. Ah well.

I hope I'll have a chance to return and really get to know that area a lot better. Today we mostly walked along St John's Street. There are two butcher shops there that I might actually step into and buy something from in the future. The falafel store at the end of that street, George's, seems to be run by an Arab Christian family. It's really good, the restroom facility's nicely maintained, and the customer service is lovely. It seems that vendors--the good ones--don't like to sell their edible products until the customer has sampled a variety of their stock. Apparently there are two other famed falafel places in the neighborhood on Wadi Street that other people are loyal towards. I'd like to try and see the difference... It reminds me of Philadelphians' personal preferences about where to get their cheesesteak sandwiches.

We also bought Christmas lights and some tinsels to decorate the little Christmas tree that Or and Kirsten lent us. Since the Eastern Orthodox church doesn't celebrate Christmas until January 6, I figured it's worth the 100 shekels on these decorations for us to have the tree around until then.

passing observations

During the last Israeli military operation, one of Daniel's colleagues received advice about riding the bus: The best seats are at the very front or the very back, because suicide bombers tend to sit in the middle for the greatest impact when they trigger the explosion. When I was riding in an extremely crowded bus one night a few weeks ago, I noticed that the aisle next to me was noticeably roomier than the front and the back of the bus despite all the standing passengers. I guess most Israelis got that memo. I was sitting in the most middle seat on the bus.

A big difference between how things are done in Israel vs. China seems to be that, in China, no matter how well-organized and conscientious you are about fulfilling the stated procedures for anything official, there are always still at least ten hidden steps that nobody's willing to help you with or be responsible for. In Israel, the bureaucracy can get pretty bad too, but as long as you inquire ahead of time and are prepared for the fine prints, you will most likely succeed. There's a nurses' strike going on right now, and one of the conditions is that patients are not allowed to go inside a lot of the clinics around where we live. Thus, the doors are locked and watched over by security. Unfortunately, I've been trying to get a blood testing done since I was 26 weeks pregnant (I'm 35 weeks now) and have been unsuccessful in my attempt amidst my confusion about the Israeli medical system. Since my "deadline" is coming up and my midwife really needs some information beyond the July blood test information, Daniel and I showed my medical card and argued with all the details we've learned by this point about what is required. The security guard acquiesced our entrance through the locked door...and while waiting, I noticed that nobody was actually turned away as long as they knocked on the door and made arguments for why they should still enter. That's really awesome... how the culture is so people-oriented. Things may be hard, and people could be really abrasive on the surface, but when push comes to shove, I witness time and time again how Israelis value helping people over the official policies.

I still didn't end up getting my blood test because I was confused about how glucose testing is done here vs. in the States. My bad... trying again on Thursday. The clinic said to go back then, despite the nurses' strike. Cool.

Somewhat related to my second passing observation just now, I'm really impressed by how developed and diverse Israeli humanitarian/volunteer organizations are. This is one of the biggest reasons why I'm troubled by accusations of Israel being a "military occupier" or "terrorist country" or  called "Israheil" aka the new Nazis via a lot of Palestinian advocacy sites I've started following for the sake of being more well-rounded in my information regarding the Middle East land conflict.  On one hand, I'm troubled by the Israeli government's push for more settlements in contested territory. And I have actual dreams in which I tried to work out (in my dreams) how Israel and Palestine might in fact co-exist peacefully without blockades around Gaza or IDF presence in the West Bank. And I do not by any means discount Palestinian deaths, even if a lot of the deaths happen as a result of open hostilities and provoked attacks triggered on the part of the Palestinians themselves. I've been trying to understand to the best of my ability, without any sense of allegiance to Israel itself (since I'm just a visitor here), just why Israel is so hated and opposed... And, honestly, I'm not saying that Israel's without its problems of social equality like other countries, but there's no real apartheid here. There's no discrimination against Arab-Jewish citizens on the same level as hatred towards the Jews. And right now, Israeli mothers and other Israeli citizens are rounding up blankets and clothes to send to Syria for the enormous refugee population. Syrian refugees, most of whom do not acknowledge Israel's right to exist. Time and time again, I learn about Israel's humanitarian aid to official enemies or non-Israel-supporting entities. Gaza receives medical supply and support on a regular basis from Israel despite the fact that its ruling body is so consistently deficient in payment that other Arab countries around the region (such as Jordan) now refuse to provide Gaza with any medical supplies.

The last passing observation is something that I'm still following closely, because I am genuinely confused by all the vitriol that I find out there regarding anything Israel. Once again, in living here, I see a lot of things that Israel could do better, need to do better, in order to show its willingness to co-exist. The argument that Israel should be wiped out altogether is a ridiculous idea to me, for reasons I don't have time to get into right now; That really should not be the only condition for peace to be possible.

the third (?) day of hanukkah

All I had for dinner tonight were donuts (aka sufganiyot) and latkes. I think I'm done celebrating Hanukkah.

In the end, I'm glad I volunteered to make latkes at the Haifa English Speakers Hanukkah party. If I hadn't, I would have opted to stay home on account of my sore back and foul mood. Instead, I fried up some genuine latkes for the first time ever after reading 10+ cooking blog entries about "secrets" to great latkes. Was amazed by actual existence of potato starch, which I was skeptical would actually condense/appear from the potato water I squeezed out of the grated potatoes. And several people were nice enough to come chat with me as I fried up latkes in Gael's apartment's kitchen. The best time I had at the party was actually during the breaks in my frying duty, as the few people who drifted into the kitchen stayed to chat. I got to meet finally and talk with Natalie, the English Speakers organizer, who is sadly leaving Israel soon. I would have loved to become friends with her. She's completing a PhD in children's literature and psychological development and has the most deadpan dry British humor. And was very kind and encouraging about my career hopes as well as (even though she admits to not wanting/liking kids herself) the importance and value of raising children.

She's just really, really cool. I wish I'm cool like her.

It was fun getting to know a few more new people as well, like Ronan the Technion masters student who loves his study in mechanical engineering ("It's like getting to play every day!" -- how cool to see someone loving what they do). Gael, who I had met once during the game night I hosted, was extremely motherly and insistent that I sit to rest and drink to stay hydrated during the moments I wait for the latkes to turn golden. (I think she's mildly afraid I might go into labor at her place.) And getting a ride home up the steep hills of Haifa from Andy and Shadi was so, so appreciated. (Super windy today, with sporadic showers.)

So I'm glad I didn't stay home to feed my unexplainable down-ness. And that I've quite gotten my fill of donuts for a long, long while. Daniel and Declan had a good time too, I think.

on the way to church and back

It's....well, not surreal, but slightly disorienting--yeah, that's it--to be riding on a big charter bus up Mt. Carmel, passing the trees and trails of Carmel National Park while the people behind me chattered in Russian, the people ahead of me mumbled in Hebrew, and the bus radio played the Korean pop song "Gangnam Style."

I was on my way to a Messianic congregation located around where the prophet Elijah faced off with all the priests representing Baal once upon a time. There was a group of middle-aged Chinese visitors from the States (Daniel noticed they gave their monetary offerings in USD), sitting just one row in front of me, during congregational worship. A part of me really really really wanted to talk with them, because it's so, so rare to see another Chinese face, let alone 10 of them! But a part of me didn't want to get all ethnically giddy on tourists that probably want to experience the Holy Land tour uninterrupted. I ended up completely ignoring them.

Declan threw up all the donuts and latkes on the sherut ride home. The congregation had handed out these treats in lieu of Hannukah. They were delicious.

a psychological overview of this past year or two

In a week or two, my little family will have stayed in Israel for longer than we stayed in China.

This will seem like quite a milestone for me, because I do feel some guilt over Daniel's decision to quit his job in China in the face of his PhD advisor and Chinese boss' adamant advices not to do so. I know that, even though Daniel didn't like how much time got squandered in the embedded bureaucracy of the math department there, how toxic the working relationships at that university was, how shady the channels of financial compensation were rigged, and how oppressive and lawless the living conditions were in general, he would probably have stuck it out if it weren't for how unhappy I was.

On my end, if Daniel had been happier at his job and if we didn't have Declan to be responsible for, I would have probably stuck it out too, given how I was making some decent local friends, starting to get a feel for the expat scene, and getting potential job leads.

But the fact remained that Daniel and I were bound to each other in marriage, equally upset to see how the other one was suffering, and our child was constantly getting sick there. The decision to leave was an extremely difficult one. My parents were against it as well, but we fell upon the unabashed support of Daniel's mom. The professional (and financial) repercussions of this decision had been tough and we are still feeling it. I sense that Daniel's a lot less self-assured about being a math researcher as a result, and we're waiting to see if the institutions he'd applied for next year's academic cycle will judge him for leaving.

All of the above is the biggest single reason why I felt/feel terrible for struggling in my life here, now. For all my complaints about the hot weather that's finally drawing to an end, passing into rain season, and the linguistic and social isolation, the outrageously high cost of living... there's actually a part of me that is really glad and thankful that we get to live here. I miss friends I already have and cultural things I 'm comfortable with so much, but I'm starting to grasp a sense of the unique and interesting attitudes/ways that form Israeli life. I really didn't want to "fail again" at living abroad, at seeming to not be able to live anywhere else besides the two countries in which I grew up.

So I threw myself into checking out venues of distraction and enrichment, resources that would help my little family survive the day-to-day here. Life in China certainly broke us in to face the difficulties here with a lot more sense of humor than otherwise, because we know how much worse it could be. Along the way, I think we're also being exceptionally blessed and cared for by God, because other postdocs/expats who've been here longer have repeatedly expressed amazement at how quickly we're navigating through life here. Even though, and especially because, I become more and more anti-social and reclusive further into my pregnancy, I'm forcing myself to meet and get to know new/more people. This week, there was an English book club that met fairly late which I wanted to bail from, then there was an "Asian" restaurant outing with a bunch of postdocs near Castra mall. In the end, even though so much activity triggered pretty strong contractions for me that lasted basically all afternoon and night yesterday, I'm glad I didn't skip out and in exchange got to hear about other people's lives a bit more and understand them better. I slept in today and the contractions went away, thank goodness.

On the other hand, there persists this dark cloud that permeates all of my perception, that I cannot beat back with my frenzied planning or socializing. That tells me I'm still failing, that I'm going to mess everything up, that I'm dragging Daniel down and not raising Declan optimally. And I'm starting to wonder if this condition is something that transcends anything material or circumstantial in my life--it wouldn't matter if I were living in any country under any financial/social condition--and will follow me to my grave.

I'm glad for Hanukkah starting soon, to give me some breather from this mundane crush. In the meantime, I also treasure these little milestones in my family's personal history. Anything to stay afloat.

and then the weekend

It's been pretty busy time towards the end of last week... Besides the postdoc dinner on Wednesday, Daniel and I hosted a game night Thursday night with a bunch of other people from the Haifa English Speakers facebook group. I was a bit unsure if it'd go well, since people didn't rsvp until fairly last minute and also showed up later. (Another similarity between Jewish and Chinese culture--the so-called "Asian time"--expecting people to show up 30 minutes later than planned--applies in Israel as well.) But game night was in the end quite fun! Apparently, I had more fun than Daniel did...even though he's the one who won Settlers. My team kicked his team's butts in Taboo though, probably given that his team consisted of a cross-cultural Israeli, a Belgium, and...Daniel, the consummate American. I had to tell him to not even try to get his team to guess "The Stetsons."

Sadly, things got a little dicey for Declan's and my health as the weekend (Friday and Saturday here) approached. Maybe it's one of the game night attendees' toddler chewing and drooling over Declan's toys, maybe it's one of the postdocs' baby that was having a fever for several days while hanging out with us, maybe it's the cats at the postdoc's home that basically shut down my respiratory system by the end of our lunch visit. One of these reasons caused me to stay in bed for most of the weekend sneezing and trying to get enough air through my incredibly congested sinus. I think I had a bit of fever as well. Meanwhile, Declan now officially has the croup after a few days of my thinking it was just a minor cold. Now I really felt bad for not being more sympathetic to his complete preference for me over the babysitter this morning. The babysitter and I ended up hanging out together with Declan after he got really worked up crying while I stayed in the other room, hoping to "train" him not to be so physically attached to me. Eventually, Declan developed a seal bark-cough and started wheezing and having trouble telling stories while trying to breath. This was about an hour after I gave up trying to study Hebrew today and just hung out with him, so it's a really good thing I didn't allow him to cry for longer before I changed today's plans.

Now I'm making turkey broth with vegetables on the stove, and hopefully that will help Declan's vocal cords and sinus feel better. Sigh. I should be more thankful during the times when everyone's just fine and healthy.