In a week or two, my little family will have stayed in Israel for longer than we stayed in China.
This will seem like quite a milestone for me, because I do feel some guilt over Daniel's decision to quit his job in China in the face of his PhD advisor and Chinese boss' adamant advices not to do so. I know that, even though Daniel didn't like how much time got squandered in the embedded bureaucracy of the math department there, how toxic the working relationships at that university was, how shady the channels of financial compensation were rigged, and how oppressive and lawless the living conditions were in general, he would probably have stuck it out if it weren't for how unhappy I was.
On my end, if Daniel had been happier at his job and if we didn't have Declan to be responsible for, I would have probably stuck it out too, given how I was making some decent local friends, starting to get a feel for the expat scene, and getting potential job leads.
But the fact remained that Daniel and I were bound to each other in marriage, equally upset to see how the other one was suffering, and our child was constantly getting sick there. The decision to leave was an extremely difficult one. My parents were against it as well, but we fell upon the unabashed support of Daniel's mom. The professional (and financial) repercussions of this decision had been tough and we are still feeling it. I sense that Daniel's a lot less self-assured about being a math researcher as a result, and we're waiting to see if the institutions he'd applied for next year's academic cycle will judge him for leaving.
All of the above is the biggest single reason why I felt/feel terrible for struggling in my life here, now. For all my complaints about the hot weather that's finally drawing to an end, passing into rain season, and the linguistic and social isolation, the outrageously high cost of living... there's actually a part of me that is really glad and thankful that we get to live here. I miss friends I already have and cultural things I 'm comfortable with so much, but I'm starting to grasp a sense of the unique and interesting attitudes/ways that form Israeli life. I really didn't want to "fail again" at living abroad, at seeming to not be able to live anywhere else besides the two countries in which I grew up.
So I threw myself into checking out venues of distraction and enrichment, resources that would help my little family survive the day-to-day here. Life in China certainly broke us in to face the difficulties here with a lot more sense of humor than otherwise, because we know how much worse it could be. Along the way, I think we're also being exceptionally blessed and cared for by God, because other postdocs/expats who've been here longer have repeatedly expressed amazement at how quickly we're navigating through life here. Even though, and especially because, I become more and more anti-social and reclusive further into my pregnancy, I'm forcing myself to meet and get to know new/more people. This week, there was an English book club that met fairly late which I wanted to bail from, then there was an "Asian" restaurant outing with a bunch of postdocs near Castra mall. In the end, even though so much activity triggered pretty strong contractions for me that lasted basically all afternoon and night yesterday, I'm glad I didn't skip out and in exchange got to hear about other people's lives a bit more and understand them better. I slept in today and the contractions went away, thank goodness.
On the other hand, there persists this dark cloud that permeates all of my perception, that I cannot beat back with my frenzied planning or socializing. That tells me I'm still failing, that I'm going to mess everything up, that I'm dragging Daniel down and not raising Declan optimally. And I'm starting to wonder if this condition is something that transcends anything material or circumstantial in my life--it wouldn't matter if I were living in any country under any financial/social condition--and will follow me to my grave.
I'm glad for Hanukkah starting soon, to give me some breather from this mundane crush. In the meantime, I also treasure these little milestones in my family's personal history. Anything to stay afloat.
No comments:
Post a Comment