I recant some of my recent comments I made about life in the United States, especially the ones that are critical of the lifestyles and abundance of resources in the US. My most central reason for doing so is that several conversations and observations occurred in the last few days in Buffalo that's made me understand some things about myself that are quite judgmental and a perception based on a worldly culture masquerading as a godly attitude (which makes it all the more insidious and gnarly).
Instead of, I appreciate family, and legacy, and God as the source of all good things a little bit more and more rightly than I have before. Hopefully I can elaborate more when I have more time, so I myself don't forget about these rather important personal revelations.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
the allure, the divide
As I spend more and more time in the heartlands of America, I'm starting to realize how deep I'm submerging into the culture of Americana, wherein driving for hours in a van is normal, and so are the twangy radio music I cycled through in Indiana, gigantic supermarkets like the Meijer we stopped in for dinner in Ohio, the almost unbearably cold A/C anywhere we go indoors, and also the public libraries, the fantastically cheap book sales and yard sales full of amazing, new-used stuff, and lots of community events (especially during the summer, it seems).
I don't like the first part, by which I'm starting to remember why it's so easy to get fat in the US, but the second part is seducing me into doubting whether living in Taiwan is better for the kids. At our dinner with Daniel's relatives tonight in downtown Buffalo, NY, Declan spent the majority of meal time investigating the exposed air conditioning system of the restaurant. It's clear to me that my son has an insatiable curiosity about how and why things work the way they do, and it makes me worry about his future encounter with the Taiwan school system, which if I recall correctly or have received accurate testimonies in recent years is excellent at crushing the creativity out of the very marrow of every soul (even the teachers). And being able to check out so many great books for the kids from the public library makes me feel like I've become a billionaire without the responsibility.
Sigh. The larger part of me honestly don't feel that the US is my home. Never had, probably never will. Its abundance and surface tranquility in light of what I know about the rest of the world makes me too uneasy to stay and feel comfortable as a resident. As a visitor, I am enthralled and mildly repulsed by the excess I see. But to stay would mean I need to come to terms somehow with such discrepancy. I am at a loss. And then there are my children... there is clearly so many opportunities for them here. My husband has so many typically American/well-adjusted/full of parental support childhood memories while my pleasant childhood memories are embedded throughout with the turmoil of my mom's mental and physical illness and all the moves and starting over every year; Naturally, it's easier for me to envision happy childhoods for the kids in the style of my husband's childhood. On the other hand, I'm already starting to hear the demanding brattiness growing in the kids' voices as they get used to what seems like free electricity/resources (tv, chauffeur options/destinations, giant fridge, unlimited food...)
I don't know I don't know. God, please remind me.
I don't like the first part, by which I'm starting to remember why it's so easy to get fat in the US, but the second part is seducing me into doubting whether living in Taiwan is better for the kids. At our dinner with Daniel's relatives tonight in downtown Buffalo, NY, Declan spent the majority of meal time investigating the exposed air conditioning system of the restaurant. It's clear to me that my son has an insatiable curiosity about how and why things work the way they do, and it makes me worry about his future encounter with the Taiwan school system, which if I recall correctly or have received accurate testimonies in recent years is excellent at crushing the creativity out of the very marrow of every soul (even the teachers). And being able to check out so many great books for the kids from the public library makes me feel like I've become a billionaire without the responsibility.
Sigh. The larger part of me honestly don't feel that the US is my home. Never had, probably never will. Its abundance and surface tranquility in light of what I know about the rest of the world makes me too uneasy to stay and feel comfortable as a resident. As a visitor, I am enthralled and mildly repulsed by the excess I see. But to stay would mean I need to come to terms somehow with such discrepancy. I am at a loss. And then there are my children... there is clearly so many opportunities for them here. My husband has so many typically American/well-adjusted/full of parental support childhood memories while my pleasant childhood memories are embedded throughout with the turmoil of my mom's mental and physical illness and all the moves and starting over every year; Naturally, it's easier for me to envision happy childhoods for the kids in the style of my husband's childhood. On the other hand, I'm already starting to hear the demanding brattiness growing in the kids' voices as they get used to what seems like free electricity/resources (tv, chauffeur options/destinations, giant fridge, unlimited food...)
I don't know I don't know. God, please remind me.
Monday, July 13, 2015
huge tracts of land
I haven't been back in the U.S. since three years ago, and the first thing I've forgotten and now immediately notice is the largeness of everything. Well, this is not something I've forgotten in abstract, but the sense of vast physical openness has definitely grow vague from removal of experience, much like the memory of being food poisoned. Some things need to be experienced first hand to be truly understood.
There's one house about a block away from Daniel's parent's home which is unlike 95% of the other houses of these cul-de-sacs and street loops. Its front lawn and most of its backyard is covered with ground floras instead of just plain grass. In the middle of the backyard is a small meadow-like clearing--a pocket of neat tranquility with a light shading of thin fir tree branches and bird calls. I like to slow down my running pace as I pass by that particular house to imagine lying down in that pocket of cultivated wilderness and, while lying there, imagine that I'm in the middle of a real forest. It makes me that much more aware of the difference in natural environment between southern Illinois and the Pacific Northwest. Everything here is spread-out and slightly monotonous as a result. I wish there are more trees.
Daniel opined in response to my wondering out loud why all the houses here have such sprawling front lawns with just nothing but grass that it's probably because people want to feel like royalty. The great expanse of land that is not only just for decoration, but which consumes massive amount of labor in mowing and watering in order to look that way, certainly suggests people of almost unlimited means. But I think royalties can/should only be one in a million in order for it to mean anything, or be harmless and not exploitative.
There's one house about a block away from Daniel's parent's home which is unlike 95% of the other houses of these cul-de-sacs and street loops. Its front lawn and most of its backyard is covered with ground floras instead of just plain grass. In the middle of the backyard is a small meadow-like clearing--a pocket of neat tranquility with a light shading of thin fir tree branches and bird calls. I like to slow down my running pace as I pass by that particular house to imagine lying down in that pocket of cultivated wilderness and, while lying there, imagine that I'm in the middle of a real forest. It makes me that much more aware of the difference in natural environment between southern Illinois and the Pacific Northwest. Everything here is spread-out and slightly monotonous as a result. I wish there are more trees.
Daniel opined in response to my wondering out loud why all the houses here have such sprawling front lawns with just nothing but grass that it's probably because people want to feel like royalty. The great expanse of land that is not only just for decoration, but which consumes massive amount of labor in mowing and watering in order to look that way, certainly suggests people of almost unlimited means. But I think royalties can/should only be one in a million in order for it to mean anything, or be harmless and not exploitative.
Friday, July 10, 2015
running
My pace during this morning's run from Daniel's parents' home to their city hall was about 20 seconds faster than my usual, mainly because of a pack of high school senior boys who ran past the kids and me two afternoons ago. We were on our (slow, tortuously meandering) stroll to the city park after being cooped up at home hiding from the rain, and as I waited for the kids to negotiate between themselves who get to carry the giant tree branch that got felled by the storm, four figures--lithe, flawlessly smooth skins shiny with sweat--cruised by, each wearing no shirt and a typical cross country running shorts.
My mind went back to a conversation with Daniel right after we saw the US women's soccer team score its fifth goal against the Japan team; somehow we had ended up defending our respective high school sports (me: cross country, Daniel: soccer). Daniel had goaded me by saying that cross country was for aspiring soccer players who've been cut from the team, and I retorted with the fact that cross country guys were quirkier and hence cooler than soccer guys, who tend to be cocky know-it-alls who don't have the endurance to run distance. If Daniel were with us that day (he was researching at UI), I rest my case on the basis of those fleet-footed golden boys. I'm not sure if it's compliments to my sense of fidelity or a conviction of a massive self-centeredness that I really really really desired...to be one of those runners. I know the predictable response according to my description is that I might have lusted after their Adonis physique, but I guess right now my focus is I would really like to admire my own body/athletic ability as much as I admired theirs on an aesthetic level.
In the end, I had to walk a little bit around the 6K mark before jogging the rest of the way home because my pace was currently too fast for me. Envy can only get me so far. As I jogged, another memory surfaced: when the other varsity girls and I would warm up with a slow stumbling jog before a meet, and trace a little bit of the course together, how we had matched strides and chatted about trivial things as we shambled in a tight physical group together. I conjured up our leader, Natalie, then the irascible (but also by turns very sweet) Lauren, steady and self-confident Beth, quiet and classic Catherine. A few of us had gotten in a car together in the dark and watched the sunrise as we travelled together along Highway 101 to run the Race for the Cure as just a fun thing to do together. It's a one-time Saturday morning event that just gets more memorable with time, as is the nature of good memories. I wish I had lived more in the now when I was in high school, instead of having treated it as a prelude to "when my life will really begin" aka college.
My mind went back to a conversation with Daniel right after we saw the US women's soccer team score its fifth goal against the Japan team; somehow we had ended up defending our respective high school sports (me: cross country, Daniel: soccer). Daniel had goaded me by saying that cross country was for aspiring soccer players who've been cut from the team, and I retorted with the fact that cross country guys were quirkier and hence cooler than soccer guys, who tend to be cocky know-it-alls who don't have the endurance to run distance. If Daniel were with us that day (he was researching at UI), I rest my case on the basis of those fleet-footed golden boys. I'm not sure if it's compliments to my sense of fidelity or a conviction of a massive self-centeredness that I really really really desired...to be one of those runners. I know the predictable response according to my description is that I might have lusted after their Adonis physique, but I guess right now my focus is I would really like to admire my own body/athletic ability as much as I admired theirs on an aesthetic level.
In the end, I had to walk a little bit around the 6K mark before jogging the rest of the way home because my pace was currently too fast for me. Envy can only get me so far. As I jogged, another memory surfaced: when the other varsity girls and I would warm up with a slow stumbling jog before a meet, and trace a little bit of the course together, how we had matched strides and chatted about trivial things as we shambled in a tight physical group together. I conjured up our leader, Natalie, then the irascible (but also by turns very sweet) Lauren, steady and self-confident Beth, quiet and classic Catherine. A few of us had gotten in a car together in the dark and watched the sunrise as we travelled together along Highway 101 to run the Race for the Cure as just a fun thing to do together. It's a one-time Saturday morning event that just gets more memorable with time, as is the nature of good memories. I wish I had lived more in the now when I was in high school, instead of having treated it as a prelude to "when my life will really begin" aka college.
Monday, June 8, 2015
moving forward
Writing the first drafts of my syllabi today as the primary focus/goal for the day. The morning was spent at a music class with Petra, the second to last of such an educational series. She's really starting to get the hang of group activities with other kids her age, so it's kind of a shame that we're probably not going to continue with the music class even after we return from our US visit (coming up very soon).
There's going to be a lot of changes for the next school semester starting in September, my first two classes to be taught literally an hour after our scheduled arrival at the airport for one. Then I'll be teaching four more classes the next two days, and that's my teaching load every week until end of December. I fluctuate between feeling stressed/excited/grumpy/challenged/interested/clueless/panicky/competent pretty much across all the ranges within an hour on the hour when I consider all the work that must still be done. Feeling like a not-obvious-until-it-becomes-obvious freak in Taiwanese society gives an extra pop to this particular emotional bouquet.
Stay calm and keep scheduling...
Still wondering how childcare for Petra is going to work out. Also, this will (it better) change my sleeping habits so I won't feel so tired and strain my eye so constantly during daytime.
There's going to be a lot of changes for the next school semester starting in September, my first two classes to be taught literally an hour after our scheduled arrival at the airport for one. Then I'll be teaching four more classes the next two days, and that's my teaching load every week until end of December. I fluctuate between feeling stressed/excited/grumpy/challenged/interested/clueless/panicky/competent pretty much across all the ranges within an hour on the hour when I consider all the work that must still be done. Feeling like a not-obvious-until-it-becomes-obvious freak in Taiwanese society gives an extra pop to this particular emotional bouquet.
Stay calm and keep scheduling...
Still wondering how childcare for Petra is going to work out. Also, this will (it better) change my sleeping habits so I won't feel so tired and strain my eye so constantly during daytime.
Monday, June 1, 2015
c'est la vie
Tried to swim this morning after a long hiatus. Arrived at the gym entrance to find everything closed for maintenance until 13:00. This is after I forced myself to get up from bed instead of sleeping in, motivating myself with how much more worthwhile 30 minutes or so of exercise would be, and debating for 10 minutes in my head about whether I should run (since it's not blisteringly hot and muggy today) or swim, as I only had time for one or the other. Decided to swim in the morning.
Is this an example of irony? Allegory of my life choices? Either things seem tinged with regret and disappointment.
Is this an example of irony? Allegory of my life choices? Either things seem tinged with regret and disappointment.
Friday, May 29, 2015
the landscape of my current unhappiness
Just found out about a 10K running event coming up this Saturday by the Hsinchu Nan Liao Harbor, which I would have signed up for if I had known in time. Sigh. I guess this is part of moving to a new city--to keep missing out on things because I just don't know the place well enough. Having young kids also limit the time and energy to scout out all the places and resources.... maybe that's why I've been feeling so... I don't know. I just keep feeling like I'm missing out on life. That's a pretty self-pitying attitude, no doubt, but I can't seem to shake it.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
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