learning to relax

So I ended up going to the ob-gyn because Daniel told on me to my parents. The pain turned out to be round ligament pain, which felt a lot differently during my last pregnancy, but which my friend J.L. confirmed could be a lot worse in later pregnancies. The nurses told me to take it easy on lifting heavy things, such as the toddler, so it's been nice to get a break from Declan's intense need for touch as my mom and husband take over the carrying more.

It's been really nice, despite the occasional power struggle and clash in style and principles, to have my mom around the apartment. Declan's warmed to her attention, from initially yelling negatively when he saw her to now running to her for kisses spontaneously. I appreciate the diffusion of responsibility, and how it's so easy to get cheap and good food near our place so that I've also been taking a break from cooking our daily meals.

When things get a little easier, I tend to get more nervous. It's like I don't want to get comfortable, get used and soft to this lifestyle. But I was swimming in our apartment complex's pool (yes, there's a pool! And it's actually big enough for me to swim laps in!), I realized that my resistance to enjoy fully the present blessings in my life might be unnecessarily exhausting. It blocks me from fully appreciating, say, the temporary relief of my husband playing with our son so I can swim by myself. It blocks me from fully giving thanks for being able to exercise in a way that's completely safe to the baby in me. And a lot of other things, like how even though Declan can still get pretty frustrating, he's definitely more and more independent than the harder earlier months.

I should appreciate things like these more, even if they're not permanent fixtures of my life. (What is, anyway?)

enjoying the flatline

Going out of town is hard with a young child. It took about two days of extra fussiness after a weekend on Whidbey Island, visiting a musselfest there with Christy and Joanne, before Declan's now back to his more-or-less daily routine.

A lot of things have been happening...or maybe that's just how it feels. On the outside, we're a quiet little family. We go to the gym together in the mornings, then depending on the day, Daniel and I take turns taking care of Declan in the afternoon. I catch the bus to go teaching Mandarin at an elementary charter school on Monday and Wednesdays, and Daniel walks over to the University of Washington on Tuesdays. Tuesday nights are story time at the library with Josie the librarian, and other times I try to make dinner for friends to come over and eat together.

I guess it's our inner life that's really been changing, and the tenor of our relationship. A positive change, from the depression and darkness (which we eventually sought marital counseling for while in Pittsburgh) and then shared mutual nightmare in China to now this: a peacefulness, a steady period of spending time with God and each other while our professional lives are both on relative pause. We've finally taken to praying regularly for each other, and Declan, spending consistent time together as a family without Daniel going off by himself in his head like a typical mathematician (and their high divorce rates...correlation or causation, one wonders). We have even started talking about possibly having another child, as I feel tentatively healthy enough, emotionally. For some reason, maybe because I came from a household of four with an older brother, I would like my now-family to feel complete with, hopefully, a daughter. I'm surprisingly excited to see what God has in store in this area. The surprise at my excitement, when it's been all I could do to not commit suicide most days as recently as two months ago.

I'm re-reading the Hunger Games in anticipation of the movie release. There's no way, I suspect, that the movie could be even remotely reflective of the books' gritty complexity. And Daniel and I have a bet over the actor for Truman Capote in Capote. If he wins, I would make steaks, corns, and mashed potatoes for dinner--a splurge on our budget right now. If I win, a bowl of real ramen or pho. I know I'm right; just waiting for him to concede tonight.