I thought about starting a brand spanking new blog (why this phrase "spanking"? Is it referring to how newborn babies used to get slapped on the butt?), but it's so rare that anything have continued with me for so long that I am unwilling to abandon it just yet.
The desire to start afresh stems from a new resolve to hold a more positive attitude in life. I have no doubt the same problems in my marriage, childrearing, personal habits, etc... will continue to bubble up regularly, but I'm ready to orient myself differently in response to them.
Since I got off bed rest last year, and the family changed to a new local church for weekly services, I've gotten to know better the husband and wife pastoral team. Their way of teaching and caring for the people here as well as the home churches in China makes me hold them in high regard. In attending their parenting class and marriage counseling, my respect has risen even more. They are the first church leaders in my personal experience who actually point out via the Bible that parents should *not* hit their kids to discipline and wives' submission doesn't mean the husband has the first and final say in difficult decisions. Sad but true for my personal experience; I suspect a lot of things would have been better if they'd been the husband's and my premarital counselors. Not that our previous pastors were all so terrible... I think they just didn't understand where I was coming from and so labelled me as "rebellious" or that I think my way is superior. Wouldn't be the first time, probably won't be the last. Perhaps it's my communication style...
Monday, June 5, 2017
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
being a lemming (kinda)
So I've finally (surreptitiously) jumped onto the Whole30 wagon. I feel slightly embarrassed about it, because intentionally restrictive food choices is such a first world behavior. Daniel had a similar experience when he was chatting with the morning Starbucks barista. They were sharing summer plans, and Daniel tried to push back on the barista's description of our family's "summering in the US". Because the term "summering" conjures in Daniel's mind rich, possibly snobbish elitist aristocrats who own real estate that they rotate in residing. I pointed out that while we don't own property, we are rich in resources through family and friends, and btw that's Starbucks he's drinking. (Starbucks is high-end coffee in Taiwan.)
This is my rich, possibly snobbish elitist aristocrat moment, but I finally decided it's worth the admission because:
1. My two sons have major eczema issues, and I suspect it's food related. There are too many outside forces to put my oldest on a restrictive diet under suspicions only, but for my part, I can sleuth for the allergens by seeing if cutting out the usual suspects would impact my youngest for the better.
2. Due to the c-section, I have been ho-hum about returning to an exercise program. No exercise + obscenely large appetite due to breastfeeding = still gaining weight. While Whole30 is not a diet in that way, I'm hoping it will provide more structure to the way I eat.
3. Just curious about the hype. Decided to experiment directly rather than just read the reviews.
It's (only) been 3 days. I don't expect too many changes to happen on a physiological level, since I already eat pretty healthfully, but I do expect (and am already seeing) a lot of psychological shifts, such as:
1. I'm a lot more intentionally about what I'm eating, because I have to consider the ingredients. Catching myself from time to time while seasoning the food I'm about to eat, I had not realized how much little bits of honey and soy sauce I use throughout the day. That adds up, I suspect. I am feeling some sugar withdrawal/weakness. I miss chocolate a lot. A lot less snacking on that end too. Since Whole30 calls for three square meals and minimal snacking (no snacking a few hours before bed), I've had more "real meals" instead of just grabbing bites here and there as I care for the baby throughout the day.
2. I didn't realize how much I turn to food when bored or tired. Not snacking before bed has been a major change. I tend to snack then because it's one part victory that I finished another day and many more parts of indulgence because my life right now is far from what I desire so I eat (usually a lot of chocolate) to feel a little better.
3. Even after Whole30 ends, I think I'll continue to read ingredients on food items so I'll only buy the most natural (least amount of additives) items. There are sugar in everything! I couldn't even use sirarcha or vinegar salad dressing (added sugar). The TaiTai brand and Costco marinara are the only "before" sauces in the fridge that I can currently use.
4. Had not realized how much my kids depend on me to eat their leftovers before fresh food is made. Now that I've been cooking for myself only again, I get to eat more items I like but haven't made in a long time, like shrimp, squid, loofah... And I wonder why I have restricted myself just because other family members don't eat them. I also cook in more knowledgeable portions for everyone so there are less leftovers. Still some, but nothing that stretches more than three more meals. Fresh food is definitely more enjoyable to eat.
5. Changes in seasoning -- now that I can't use soy sauce and don't have access to coconut aminos yet, food has been blander than before...initially. Now I wonder if I'd been overloading on sodium because food is tasty again by day 3 without the previous level of saltiness. Plus I'm branching out into using other spices and nonsugared/nonsoy-based sauces like balsamic vinegar and stone ground mustard.
Will record more realizations as/if they arise.
This is my rich, possibly snobbish elitist aristocrat moment, but I finally decided it's worth the admission because:
1. My two sons have major eczema issues, and I suspect it's food related. There are too many outside forces to put my oldest on a restrictive diet under suspicions only, but for my part, I can sleuth for the allergens by seeing if cutting out the usual suspects would impact my youngest for the better.
2. Due to the c-section, I have been ho-hum about returning to an exercise program. No exercise + obscenely large appetite due to breastfeeding = still gaining weight. While Whole30 is not a diet in that way, I'm hoping it will provide more structure to the way I eat.
3. Just curious about the hype. Decided to experiment directly rather than just read the reviews.
It's (only) been 3 days. I don't expect too many changes to happen on a physiological level, since I already eat pretty healthfully, but I do expect (and am already seeing) a lot of psychological shifts, such as:
1. I'm a lot more intentionally about what I'm eating, because I have to consider the ingredients. Catching myself from time to time while seasoning the food I'm about to eat, I had not realized how much little bits of honey and soy sauce I use throughout the day. That adds up, I suspect. I am feeling some sugar withdrawal/weakness. I miss chocolate a lot. A lot less snacking on that end too. Since Whole30 calls for three square meals and minimal snacking (no snacking a few hours before bed), I've had more "real meals" instead of just grabbing bites here and there as I care for the baby throughout the day.
2. I didn't realize how much I turn to food when bored or tired. Not snacking before bed has been a major change. I tend to snack then because it's one part victory that I finished another day and many more parts of indulgence because my life right now is far from what I desire so I eat (usually a lot of chocolate) to feel a little better.
3. Even after Whole30 ends, I think I'll continue to read ingredients on food items so I'll only buy the most natural (least amount of additives) items. There are sugar in everything! I couldn't even use sirarcha or vinegar salad dressing (added sugar). The TaiTai brand and Costco marinara are the only "before" sauces in the fridge that I can currently use.
4. Had not realized how much my kids depend on me to eat their leftovers before fresh food is made. Now that I've been cooking for myself only again, I get to eat more items I like but haven't made in a long time, like shrimp, squid, loofah... And I wonder why I have restricted myself just because other family members don't eat them. I also cook in more knowledgeable portions for everyone so there are less leftovers. Still some, but nothing that stretches more than three more meals. Fresh food is definitely more enjoyable to eat.
5. Changes in seasoning -- now that I can't use soy sauce and don't have access to coconut aminos yet, food has been blander than before...initially. Now I wonder if I'd been overloading on sodium because food is tasty again by day 3 without the previous level of saltiness. Plus I'm branching out into using other spices and nonsugared/nonsoy-based sauces like balsamic vinegar and stone ground mustard.
Will record more realizations as/if they arise.
Monday, March 6, 2017
project start writing again
Every time I turn down another request by a former colleague to take on some classes for NCTU, I know it's one more broken twine on the rope precariously tethering me to the possibility of returning to a professional life I'd just started before going on bedrest. But I had to snip down again two weeks ago because I just couldn't in good conscience leave a three-month-old baby to a babysitter while I taught subjects that I didn't really care that much about (ESL) or interrupt Daniel's work which is a lot more Valuable and Important than anything I'm doing right now.
My rejection, once again, of a life apart from being supporting cast to everyone else in the family got me thinking about what ifs. What if I could have the freedom to do whatever I want again given where I am now? What if God hadn't surprise-dropped this new life in the form of an awful pregnancy and vulnerable infant into my lap?
It's been so long since I've seriously, really seriously, considered the what-ifs, that I honestly don't have an answer. Let's be honest; even when I was an unhampered single young working barely-adult, I didn't have a real answer either. Sometimes, I feel like I got married and had kids just for lack of a more meaningful-seeming path. Turns out, that's like trying to solve the problem of not having enough money (in this case--direction) by going on a shopping spree with fifty credit cards or something. My point is the miasma of how to live the Ideal Life gets a million times denser.
As consolation after I sent the email response to the NCTU request, I resolved to try writing regularly again. For what purpose and to which audience? I can't say as of now. I suspect this is one of those rare situations in which putting the cart before the horse can still be useful because now the cart and horse are in the same vicinity at least. I also find it kind of ironic that I was tasked with leading Ecclesiastes 1:12-2:16 for bible study this past Sunday ("all is vanity/the wise and the fool both come to the same end") as well as one of my best friends visiting from the States (major yay!) who shared about her career dissatisfactions. Ok, God, message received. I need to be careful about not making work/job/career an idol, as I know I'm apt to do.
I also remember once bouncing ideas about what I could be doing in the future off of my Most Excellent Boss, the director of the CMU department I was teaching for, and I remembered that, on one hand, she encouraged my brainstorming, and on the other hand, she shared with me that even the shiniest job I might acquire may not be as all that as I seemed to expect.
But all of the above is like telling a destitute man that money can't buy happiness.
Anyway, baby steps. Back to the cart-horse mentality for now, I'm going to try to write on this blog more regularly to get me back in the habit of writing. Something, anything. I wish I can write like Seattle Moxie, who'd previously blogged regularly during her stay in Paris for three years and who is now turning that blog into a book.
She's really funny and talented. Definitely a writer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life apart from hiding behind my husband and children.
My rejection, once again, of a life apart from being supporting cast to everyone else in the family got me thinking about what ifs. What if I could have the freedom to do whatever I want again given where I am now? What if God hadn't surprise-dropped this new life in the form of an awful pregnancy and vulnerable infant into my lap?
It's been so long since I've seriously, really seriously, considered the what-ifs, that I honestly don't have an answer. Let's be honest; even when I was an unhampered single young working barely-adult, I didn't have a real answer either. Sometimes, I feel like I got married and had kids just for lack of a more meaningful-seeming path. Turns out, that's like trying to solve the problem of not having enough money (in this case--direction) by going on a shopping spree with fifty credit cards or something. My point is the miasma of how to live the Ideal Life gets a million times denser.
As consolation after I sent the email response to the NCTU request, I resolved to try writing regularly again. For what purpose and to which audience? I can't say as of now. I suspect this is one of those rare situations in which putting the cart before the horse can still be useful because now the cart and horse are in the same vicinity at least. I also find it kind of ironic that I was tasked with leading Ecclesiastes 1:12-2:16 for bible study this past Sunday ("all is vanity/the wise and the fool both come to the same end") as well as one of my best friends visiting from the States (major yay!) who shared about her career dissatisfactions. Ok, God, message received. I need to be careful about not making work/job/career an idol, as I know I'm apt to do.
I also remember once bouncing ideas about what I could be doing in the future off of my Most Excellent Boss, the director of the CMU department I was teaching for, and I remembered that, on one hand, she encouraged my brainstorming, and on the other hand, she shared with me that even the shiniest job I might acquire may not be as all that as I seemed to expect.
But all of the above is like telling a destitute man that money can't buy happiness.
Anyway, baby steps. Back to the cart-horse mentality for now, I'm going to try to write on this blog more regularly to get me back in the habit of writing. Something, anything. I wish I can write like Seattle Moxie, who'd previously blogged regularly during her stay in Paris for three years and who is now turning that blog into a book.
She's really funny and talented. Definitely a writer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life apart from hiding behind my husband and children.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
small victory
Got in a 50-minute swim session today. First swim since three months plus two days ago (pre c-section). Felt my abdominal muscles tug every now and then when I kicked harder, but overall my fear of the scar being affected negatively by the sustained exposure to water is no longer necessary.
Woohoo!
Extra celebratory confetti for J falling asleep right before the husband picked us up. He (the baby) stayed asleep throughout the husband's "business" lunch (with a visiting scholar) while I swam. We reconnected exactly at the math department as both of us were returning from our previous respective locations.
Still feel flabby and weak, but glad to have gotten that swim in so my year-long swim pass doesn't go to waste.
three months old yo!
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
humbled
A friend just stopped by briefly with a huge flower bouquet, will-be-greatly-enjoyed presents for Petra and the family, as well as financial support for marriage counseling. She'll also babysit the kids while the husband and I go to said counseling.
This reminds me of the flowers and gifts friends and family abroad sent during my bedrest, and the notes of encouragement and concern as well now.
If nothing else, I'm learning that I do have people who genuinely care about me. That I am cared for, even though I'm physically far away from so many of my friends and even though everyone's life is full.
I really appreciate it. I don't know why I need so much help. I know I don't deserve so much kindness. Thank you, friends, for wanting to help and really helping and accepting me in my brokenness. Thank You, God, for filling my life with so many great people who're willing to sit in the ashes with me.
I hope I can become just as encouraging, loving, and helpful to those in need around me.
This reminds me of the flowers and gifts friends and family abroad sent during my bedrest, and the notes of encouragement and concern as well now.
If nothing else, I'm learning that I do have people who genuinely care about me. That I am cared for, even though I'm physically far away from so many of my friends and even though everyone's life is full.
I really appreciate it. I don't know why I need so much help. I know I don't deserve so much kindness. Thank you, friends, for wanting to help and really helping and accepting me in my brokenness. Thank You, God, for filling my life with so many great people who're willing to sit in the ashes with me.
I hope I can become just as encouraging, loving, and helpful to those in need around me.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
every time every single time
It's pretty clear to me now that my husband doesn't respect me. At least certainly doesn't think me equal to himself. It became crystal clear today after years of confusion, hurt, and attempts to make myself be understood--to understand things myself--when I tried to make myself be understood for the last time. As I vented, once again, about how incredibly deserted I felt last night to be waiting again in vain for backup help with the baby and so I could start on my usual two hours' worth of chores before I sleep around 1am or 2am, he replied, "You think you're better than me, huh. Talking to me with that smirk on your face."
Smirk? When I could not possibly be any sadder or feel more lonely ever in my life? It didn't even make sense, for him to focus on whether I thought I was better than he is or not. Unless the primary concern in any of our exchanges is who has the upper hand at the moment. Who is In the Right.
It all makes sense now. When I had been desperately making sacrifices, trying to make things work between us, his inability to understand just how desperate I'm becoming is because he's focusing on who is superior. And of course, he wins every time hands down because I gave more of a damn.
Well, not anymore.
That time in Zurich when I spent the whole Saturday after an entire week already of taking care of the kids by myself in an expensive foreign country, waiting while the kids played at an amusement park in the suburbs--periodically pestering complete strangers to use their smartphone to message him our whereabouts then leaving time, only to return to our hotel at the end of the day to find that, other than one facebook message asking where I was, he spent the rest of the supposed promised day off blithely hanging out with people he's already hung out with for the entire week.
Edited to add after original posting: The cherry on top was that the next day I got apprehended then fined by the Zurich police for not buying the right tram ticket to the airport. I and only I. He bought the correct ticket for himself. Just remembered this. How the hell did I get over this?
That time when we were getting married when I spent the whole day repeatedly trying to track down my groom because the wedding schedule couldn't wait and my friends who're helping to run the wedding with me were asking where the groom was so we could get on with the program but he was busy returning to hang out with his buddies, making sure they were having a ball.
That time I tried to help him with school documents and math department procedures, and he treated me with 1/10000th of the respect he would have shown the department secretaries, and when I protested, he resolved the task at hand by contacting other department people without caring that his ignoring me was the equivalent of saying "Who needs you?"
Many times when I really would prefer not to do certain life-changing things, but he used religious or moral arguments to strong-arm me into situations I really was not and am not comfortable with but that he really wanted for himself. And the many times that I was signaling, begging, and then demanding for his presence of mind or physical support with the family and I must wait patiently or impatiently as he continues to hover over his beloved laptop or acquaintances he's busy conversing with. One of these times, the kids ended up pouring out two entire nearly-full tanks of floor cleaning products and were slipping and sliding in them in the bathroom while he was in the other room on his computer as I returned home from updating my resume at an office.
I do not deny that I have played a part in all this. He could not have succeeded in making me feel as trashy and wasted as I do now without my consent, no matter how half-hearted. It's just that today, I finally see the root reason for why it keeps happening, and I really do not deserve this. I am not lesser than.
Everything in our relationship makes sense now. It also makes my stomach turn every time I really think about it, but it's good to have that clarity going forward.
Smirk? When I could not possibly be any sadder or feel more lonely ever in my life? It didn't even make sense, for him to focus on whether I thought I was better than he is or not. Unless the primary concern in any of our exchanges is who has the upper hand at the moment. Who is In the Right.
It all makes sense now. When I had been desperately making sacrifices, trying to make things work between us, his inability to understand just how desperate I'm becoming is because he's focusing on who is superior. And of course, he wins every time hands down because I gave more of a damn.
Well, not anymore.
That time in Zurich when I spent the whole Saturday after an entire week already of taking care of the kids by myself in an expensive foreign country, waiting while the kids played at an amusement park in the suburbs--periodically pestering complete strangers to use their smartphone to message him our whereabouts then leaving time, only to return to our hotel at the end of the day to find that, other than one facebook message asking where I was, he spent the rest of the supposed promised day off blithely hanging out with people he's already hung out with for the entire week.
Edited to add after original posting: The cherry on top was that the next day I got apprehended then fined by the Zurich police for not buying the right tram ticket to the airport. I and only I. He bought the correct ticket for himself. Just remembered this. How the hell did I get over this?
That time when we were getting married when I spent the whole day repeatedly trying to track down my groom because the wedding schedule couldn't wait and my friends who're helping to run the wedding with me were asking where the groom was so we could get on with the program but he was busy returning to hang out with his buddies, making sure they were having a ball.
That time I tried to help him with school documents and math department procedures, and he treated me with 1/10000th of the respect he would have shown the department secretaries, and when I protested, he resolved the task at hand by contacting other department people without caring that his ignoring me was the equivalent of saying "Who needs you?"
Many times when I really would prefer not to do certain life-changing things, but he used religious or moral arguments to strong-arm me into situations I really was not and am not comfortable with but that he really wanted for himself. And the many times that I was signaling, begging, and then demanding for his presence of mind or physical support with the family and I must wait patiently or impatiently as he continues to hover over his beloved laptop or acquaintances he's busy conversing with. One of these times, the kids ended up pouring out two entire nearly-full tanks of floor cleaning products and were slipping and sliding in them in the bathroom while he was in the other room on his computer as I returned home from updating my resume at an office.
I do not deny that I have played a part in all this. He could not have succeeded in making me feel as trashy and wasted as I do now without my consent, no matter how half-hearted. It's just that today, I finally see the root reason for why it keeps happening, and I really do not deserve this. I am not lesser than.
Everything in our relationship makes sense now. It also makes my stomach turn every time I really think about it, but it's good to have that clarity going forward.
Friday, January 13, 2017
a breather
Not gonna lie, life is psychologically so hard right now.
I say psychologically because I know physically I have it pretty good. Like 100% better than people dodging barrel bombs in Syria, or risking drownings on the Mediterranean Sea, or even just being homeless or in debt. My kids are all finally healthy, not in the NICU like another friend's child, fighting for his life.
But I am still on the brink of losing it. Snapping. Shaking the baby or striking the older kids. Cutting myself. Just whatever it is to end this drudgery of motherhood. I feel the danger lurking just out of my immediate vicinity. I feel afraid every day right now, of myself and whether today is the day I go AWOL.
It is coming on 10:30pm and just as every night this month, I am only beginning to start on all the chores that must be done. After finally passing off the baby who insists on being held all day long.
I'm pathetic at this mothering thing. Maybe life thing in general.
Before I start again, I will finish this matcha drink and read just a little more from this digital book about young people renting studios and working out their careers, trying to make it in Taipei. I will not will not will not snap at my oldest child for wailing melodramatically about being scared when he should be sleeping right now. It was my fault for letting him watch Troll Hunters. Argh.
I say psychologically because I know physically I have it pretty good. Like 100% better than people dodging barrel bombs in Syria, or risking drownings on the Mediterranean Sea, or even just being homeless or in debt. My kids are all finally healthy, not in the NICU like another friend's child, fighting for his life.
But I am still on the brink of losing it. Snapping. Shaking the baby or striking the older kids. Cutting myself. Just whatever it is to end this drudgery of motherhood. I feel the danger lurking just out of my immediate vicinity. I feel afraid every day right now, of myself and whether today is the day I go AWOL.
It is coming on 10:30pm and just as every night this month, I am only beginning to start on all the chores that must be done. After finally passing off the baby who insists on being held all day long.
I'm pathetic at this mothering thing. Maybe life thing in general.
Before I start again, I will finish this matcha drink and read just a little more from this digital book about young people renting studios and working out their careers, trying to make it in Taipei. I will not will not will not snap at my oldest child for wailing melodramatically about being scared when he should be sleeping right now. It was my fault for letting him watch Troll Hunters. Argh.
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