Every time I turn down another request by a former colleague to take on some classes for NCTU, I know it's one more broken twine on the rope precariously tethering me to the possibility of returning to a professional life I'd just started before going on bedrest. But I had to snip down again two weeks ago because I just couldn't in good conscience leave a three-month-old baby to a babysitter while I taught subjects that I didn't really care that much about (ESL) or interrupt Daniel's work which is a lot more Valuable and Important than anything I'm doing right now.
My rejection, once again, of a life apart from being supporting cast to everyone else in the family got me thinking about what ifs. What if I could have the freedom to do whatever I want again given where I am now? What if God hadn't surprise-dropped this new life in the form of an awful pregnancy and vulnerable infant into my lap?
It's been so long since I've seriously, really seriously, considered the what-ifs, that I honestly don't have an answer. Let's be honest; even when I was an unhampered single young working barely-adult, I didn't have a real answer either. Sometimes, I feel like I got married and had kids just for lack of a more meaningful-seeming path. Turns out, that's like trying to solve the problem of not having enough money (in this case--direction) by going on a shopping spree with fifty credit cards or something. My point is the miasma of how to live the Ideal Life gets a million times denser.
As consolation after I sent the email response to the NCTU request, I resolved to try writing regularly again. For what purpose and to which audience? I can't say as of now. I suspect this is one of those rare situations in which putting the cart before the horse can still be useful because now the cart and horse are in the same vicinity at least. I also find it kind of ironic that I was tasked with leading Ecclesiastes 1:12-2:16 for bible study this past Sunday ("all is vanity/the wise and the fool both come to the same end") as well as one of my best friends visiting from the States (major yay!) who shared about her career dissatisfactions. Ok, God, message received. I need to be careful about not making work/job/career an idol, as I know I'm apt to do.
I also remember once bouncing ideas about what I could be doing in the future off of my Most Excellent Boss, the director of the CMU department I was teaching for, and I remembered that, on one hand, she encouraged my brainstorming, and on the other hand, she shared with me that even the shiniest job I might acquire may not be as all that as I seemed to expect.
But all of the above is like telling a destitute man that money can't buy happiness.
Anyway, baby steps. Back to the cart-horse mentality for now, I'm going to try to write on this blog more regularly to get me back in the habit of writing. Something, anything. I wish I can write like Seattle Moxie, who'd previously blogged regularly during her stay in Paris for three years and who is now turning that blog into a book.
She's really funny and talented. Definitely a writer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life apart from hiding behind my husband and children.
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