I haven't been back in the U.S. since three years ago, and the first thing I've forgotten and now immediately notice is the largeness of everything. Well, this is not something I've forgotten in abstract, but the sense of vast physical openness has definitely grow vague from removal of experience, much like the memory of being food poisoned. Some things need to be experienced first hand to be truly understood.
There's one house about a block away from Daniel's parent's home which is unlike 95% of the other houses of these cul-de-sacs and street loops. Its front lawn and most of its backyard is covered with ground floras instead of just plain grass. In the middle of the backyard is a small meadow-like clearing--a pocket of neat tranquility with a light shading of thin fir tree branches and bird calls. I like to slow down my running pace as I pass by that particular house to imagine lying down in that pocket of cultivated wilderness and, while lying there, imagine that I'm in the middle of a real forest. It makes me that much more aware of the difference in natural environment between southern Illinois and the Pacific Northwest. Everything here is spread-out and slightly monotonous as a result. I wish there are more trees.
Daniel opined in response to my wondering out loud why all the houses here have such sprawling front lawns with just nothing but grass that it's probably because people want to feel like royalty. The great expanse of land that is not only just for decoration, but which consumes massive amount of labor in mowing and watering in order to look that way, certainly suggests people of almost unlimited means. But I think royalties can/should only be one in a million in order for it to mean anything, or be harmless and not exploitative.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
running
My pace during this morning's run from Daniel's parents' home to their city hall was about 20 seconds faster than my usual, mainly because of a pack of high school senior boys who ran past the kids and me two afternoons ago. We were on our (slow, tortuously meandering) stroll to the city park after being cooped up at home hiding from the rain, and as I waited for the kids to negotiate between themselves who get to carry the giant tree branch that got felled by the storm, four figures--lithe, flawlessly smooth skins shiny with sweat--cruised by, each wearing no shirt and a typical cross country running shorts.
My mind went back to a conversation with Daniel right after we saw the US women's soccer team score its fifth goal against the Japan team; somehow we had ended up defending our respective high school sports (me: cross country, Daniel: soccer). Daniel had goaded me by saying that cross country was for aspiring soccer players who've been cut from the team, and I retorted with the fact that cross country guys were quirkier and hence cooler than soccer guys, who tend to be cocky know-it-alls who don't have the endurance to run distance. If Daniel were with us that day (he was researching at UI), I rest my case on the basis of those fleet-footed golden boys. I'm not sure if it's compliments to my sense of fidelity or a conviction of a massive self-centeredness that I really really really desired...to be one of those runners. I know the predictable response according to my description is that I might have lusted after their Adonis physique, but I guess right now my focus is I would really like to admire my own body/athletic ability as much as I admired theirs on an aesthetic level.
In the end, I had to walk a little bit around the 6K mark before jogging the rest of the way home because my pace was currently too fast for me. Envy can only get me so far. As I jogged, another memory surfaced: when the other varsity girls and I would warm up with a slow stumbling jog before a meet, and trace a little bit of the course together, how we had matched strides and chatted about trivial things as we shambled in a tight physical group together. I conjured up our leader, Natalie, then the irascible (but also by turns very sweet) Lauren, steady and self-confident Beth, quiet and classic Catherine. A few of us had gotten in a car together in the dark and watched the sunrise as we travelled together along Highway 101 to run the Race for the Cure as just a fun thing to do together. It's a one-time Saturday morning event that just gets more memorable with time, as is the nature of good memories. I wish I had lived more in the now when I was in high school, instead of having treated it as a prelude to "when my life will really begin" aka college.
My mind went back to a conversation with Daniel right after we saw the US women's soccer team score its fifth goal against the Japan team; somehow we had ended up defending our respective high school sports (me: cross country, Daniel: soccer). Daniel had goaded me by saying that cross country was for aspiring soccer players who've been cut from the team, and I retorted with the fact that cross country guys were quirkier and hence cooler than soccer guys, who tend to be cocky know-it-alls who don't have the endurance to run distance. If Daniel were with us that day (he was researching at UI), I rest my case on the basis of those fleet-footed golden boys. I'm not sure if it's compliments to my sense of fidelity or a conviction of a massive self-centeredness that I really really really desired...to be one of those runners. I know the predictable response according to my description is that I might have lusted after their Adonis physique, but I guess right now my focus is I would really like to admire my own body/athletic ability as much as I admired theirs on an aesthetic level.
In the end, I had to walk a little bit around the 6K mark before jogging the rest of the way home because my pace was currently too fast for me. Envy can only get me so far. As I jogged, another memory surfaced: when the other varsity girls and I would warm up with a slow stumbling jog before a meet, and trace a little bit of the course together, how we had matched strides and chatted about trivial things as we shambled in a tight physical group together. I conjured up our leader, Natalie, then the irascible (but also by turns very sweet) Lauren, steady and self-confident Beth, quiet and classic Catherine. A few of us had gotten in a car together in the dark and watched the sunrise as we travelled together along Highway 101 to run the Race for the Cure as just a fun thing to do together. It's a one-time Saturday morning event that just gets more memorable with time, as is the nature of good memories. I wish I had lived more in the now when I was in high school, instead of having treated it as a prelude to "when my life will really begin" aka college.
Monday, June 8, 2015
moving forward
Writing the first drafts of my syllabi today as the primary focus/goal for the day. The morning was spent at a music class with Petra, the second to last of such an educational series. She's really starting to get the hang of group activities with other kids her age, so it's kind of a shame that we're probably not going to continue with the music class even after we return from our US visit (coming up very soon).
There's going to be a lot of changes for the next school semester starting in September, my first two classes to be taught literally an hour after our scheduled arrival at the airport for one. Then I'll be teaching four more classes the next two days, and that's my teaching load every week until end of December. I fluctuate between feeling stressed/excited/grumpy/challenged/interested/clueless/panicky/competent pretty much across all the ranges within an hour on the hour when I consider all the work that must still be done. Feeling like a not-obvious-until-it-becomes-obvious freak in Taiwanese society gives an extra pop to this particular emotional bouquet.
Stay calm and keep scheduling...
Still wondering how childcare for Petra is going to work out. Also, this will (it better) change my sleeping habits so I won't feel so tired and strain my eye so constantly during daytime.
There's going to be a lot of changes for the next school semester starting in September, my first two classes to be taught literally an hour after our scheduled arrival at the airport for one. Then I'll be teaching four more classes the next two days, and that's my teaching load every week until end of December. I fluctuate between feeling stressed/excited/grumpy/challenged/interested/clueless/panicky/competent pretty much across all the ranges within an hour on the hour when I consider all the work that must still be done. Feeling like a not-obvious-until-it-becomes-obvious freak in Taiwanese society gives an extra pop to this particular emotional bouquet.
Stay calm and keep scheduling...
Still wondering how childcare for Petra is going to work out. Also, this will (it better) change my sleeping habits so I won't feel so tired and strain my eye so constantly during daytime.
Monday, June 1, 2015
c'est la vie
Tried to swim this morning after a long hiatus. Arrived at the gym entrance to find everything closed for maintenance until 13:00. This is after I forced myself to get up from bed instead of sleeping in, motivating myself with how much more worthwhile 30 minutes or so of exercise would be, and debating for 10 minutes in my head about whether I should run (since it's not blisteringly hot and muggy today) or swim, as I only had time for one or the other. Decided to swim in the morning.
Is this an example of irony? Allegory of my life choices? Either things seem tinged with regret and disappointment.
Is this an example of irony? Allegory of my life choices? Either things seem tinged with regret and disappointment.
Friday, May 29, 2015
the landscape of my current unhappiness
Just found out about a 10K running event coming up this Saturday by the Hsinchu Nan Liao Harbor, which I would have signed up for if I had known in time. Sigh. I guess this is part of moving to a new city--to keep missing out on things because I just don't know the place well enough. Having young kids also limit the time and energy to scout out all the places and resources.... maybe that's why I've been feeling so... I don't know. I just keep feeling like I'm missing out on life. That's a pretty self-pitying attitude, no doubt, but I can't seem to shake it.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
I am by turns overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities I've accumulated as I engage more with people and activities here, 98% of the time for the kids or the husband, while simultaneously restless and dissatisfied with what takes up my time all day, week, month... If I were single and only responsible for myself, I think I would be working in some capacity with an aid or for-refugee organization either in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. Instead, I keep updated on what's happening and feel completely helpless and irrelevant to what really matters. Instead, I obsess over the constant fight of keeping the dorm apartment clean despite the best efforts for mayhem by the rest of the family, saving money to counter the cavalier attitude the rest of the family has over wanting an American lifestyle with Taiwanese paying power, and the individual and collective futures of the family or the kids'/husband's personal development and accessibility to Taiwanese/Chinese/Israeli/American mindsets and linguistic/cultural proficiency. Right now in particular, I'm struggling over whether or not Petra should go into half-day preschool this coming autumn so that I can do some things I want such as learning Hebrew without employing the television as babysitter vs. the perhaps unnecessary cost of school and potentially shirking of my responsibility towards her.
So, yes, I feel quite stressed and unhappy every day right now. And all my husband understand of these is that I appear to worry quite a lot about money, given that his only response has been for me to "stop worrying about money". The sense of being greatly misunderstood and assigned so petty a reason does not help me feel better.
Time to pray.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
On procuring food
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So what if we currently live in a small dorm apartment with no private kitchen? The fact is that even though eating out for proper meals in Taiwan is significantly cheaper than doing so in the US, Europe, or Israel, I can see how much healthier cooking and eating at home is for the family's diet and cultural habits. It shows up in the way the kids clamor to buy snacks whenever we pass by Taiwan's many convenience stores. It shows up in the extra fat deposits around my arms, hips, thighs, and abdomen. I dislike how sluggish and dumpy I feel, and it also makes me feel guilty for my family's attitudes towards nutrition.
Just like in Israel, the traditional markets here sell produce (and other things) at the lowest prices around. However, just like in Israel, these produce tend to be conventionally farmed. In Israel's case, that means they tend to be have five times more pesticides on them than even the conventionally-farmed produce in the US. I don't know how high the pesticide level is for Taiwan's conventionally-farmed produce, namely because the obscurity of the conventional sources makes it harder to track and such concerns are still less mainstream than in Western countries. I have come across articles responding to the recent pesticide-laced tea leaves scandals mentioning how conventional farming pollutes the water reservoirs with pesticide and fertilizer run-offs, so I'll like to support the farmers who are especially conscientious about land management. It's not enough just to go to any self-proclaimed organic health food store to acquire organic produce, however, given the number of such rackets being exposed for fraudulent claims. To that end, I had been spreading my stakes by shopping from a variety of organic stores with fairly good reputations such as Orange Mart (柑仔店), Mama Fisch (媽媽魚), Yogi House (無毒的家), and GreenBox (綠冰箱).
After about nine months of this system now, I've learned that Orange Mart--while having the largest selection--is the most expensive for organic produce and humanely-produced eggs; I can get the same items by the same farmers via online order/home delivery from GreenBox. So I now only shop at Orange Mart for more specialty items like flax seeds, wheat germs, inarizushi wrappers, and get most fresh food from GreenBox. Mama Fisch is my seafood source, which I haven't utilized as much since nobody else in the family besides me is a big seafood fan. I consumed a whole pot of clam soup by myself last night after the husband first asked me what I was making that was so stinky and the kids took some only-because-I-love-you-Mom sips. Yogi House is where I acquire the yeast for making bread at home and on occasion produce that GreenBox doesn't provide, although I mostly visit for the birds that the Yogi House owner keeps and whom Petra loves to see.
If all of these juggling and sourcing sound time-intensive and a little bit muddling, that might explain why so often I just opt to get bentos from the university's dining hall. So quick, no clean-up, and very cheap at student rates. But as I said at the beginning of this post, I really want to make home cooking and eating stick again. Today, I got my first delivery of a reasonable (for the price) amount of organic produce from a new source called 台灣好農。(Its English name is "The Wonderful Food"...which clearly shows it's a truly Taiwanese operations run by local communities.) As soon as the deliveryman handed me the box, I went to the communal kitchen and spent about an hour or so cutting up all the produce while Petra crawled around the empty cabinets and tried to lock herself in them to fake-nap. Here's hoping that the extra prep work fulfilled ahead of time will motivate me to follow-through on cooking at home even when tempted to just grab some bentos.
If this works, I will probably continue to order from 台灣好農* even after we move into our new apartment in September, and use the nearby traditional market/Orange Mart/Yogi House (they're all near our new place!) as supplemental food sources. Our new place has its own kitchen and an actual dining area just for eating. What luxuries!
*In a recent online search for reviews or media coverage about this company, I also came upon the name of another organic delivery organization called 厚生市集 (Farm Direct). After the family consumes all the produce from the delivery today, I'll probably try this one since it seems to combine the advantage of individual selecting a la GreenBox with the more environmentally-friendly packaging of Wonderful Food (GreenBox has started using large styrofoam boxes, which is the main reason I've stopped ordering from them).
Just like in Israel, the traditional markets here sell produce (and other things) at the lowest prices around. However, just like in Israel, these produce tend to be conventionally farmed. In Israel's case, that means they tend to be have five times more pesticides on them than even the conventionally-farmed produce in the US. I don't know how high the pesticide level is for Taiwan's conventionally-farmed produce, namely because the obscurity of the conventional sources makes it harder to track and such concerns are still less mainstream than in Western countries. I have come across articles responding to the recent pesticide-laced tea leaves scandals mentioning how conventional farming pollutes the water reservoirs with pesticide and fertilizer run-offs, so I'll like to support the farmers who are especially conscientious about land management. It's not enough just to go to any self-proclaimed organic health food store to acquire organic produce, however, given the number of such rackets being exposed for fraudulent claims. To that end, I had been spreading my stakes by shopping from a variety of organic stores with fairly good reputations such as Orange Mart (柑仔店), Mama Fisch (媽媽魚), Yogi House (無毒的家), and GreenBox (綠冰箱).
After about nine months of this system now, I've learned that Orange Mart--while having the largest selection--is the most expensive for organic produce and humanely-produced eggs; I can get the same items by the same farmers via online order/home delivery from GreenBox. So I now only shop at Orange Mart for more specialty items like flax seeds, wheat germs, inarizushi wrappers, and get most fresh food from GreenBox. Mama Fisch is my seafood source, which I haven't utilized as much since nobody else in the family besides me is a big seafood fan. I consumed a whole pot of clam soup by myself last night after the husband first asked me what I was making that was so stinky and the kids took some only-because-I-love-you-Mom sips. Yogi House is where I acquire the yeast for making bread at home and on occasion produce that GreenBox doesn't provide, although I mostly visit for the birds that the Yogi House owner keeps and whom Petra loves to see.
If all of these juggling and sourcing sound time-intensive and a little bit muddling, that might explain why so often I just opt to get bentos from the university's dining hall. So quick, no clean-up, and very cheap at student rates. But as I said at the beginning of this post, I really want to make home cooking and eating stick again. Today, I got my first delivery of a reasonable (for the price) amount of organic produce from a new source called 台灣好農。(Its English name is "The Wonderful Food"...which clearly shows it's a truly Taiwanese operations run by local communities.) As soon as the deliveryman handed me the box, I went to the communal kitchen and spent about an hour or so cutting up all the produce while Petra crawled around the empty cabinets and tried to lock herself in them to fake-nap. Here's hoping that the extra prep work fulfilled ahead of time will motivate me to follow-through on cooking at home even when tempted to just grab some bentos.
If this works, I will probably continue to order from 台灣好農* even after we move into our new apartment in September, and use the nearby traditional market/Orange Mart/Yogi House (they're all near our new place!) as supplemental food sources. Our new place has its own kitchen and an actual dining area just for eating. What luxuries!
*In a recent online search for reviews or media coverage about this company, I also came upon the name of another organic delivery organization called 厚生市集 (Farm Direct). After the family consumes all the produce from the delivery today, I'll probably try this one since it seems to combine the advantage of individual selecting a la GreenBox with the more environmentally-friendly packaging of Wonderful Food (GreenBox has started using large styrofoam boxes, which is the main reason I've stopped ordering from them).
Thursday, March 19, 2015
tired
I'm tired of waking up in this haze of some parts despondency, apathy, despair, and general mutedness. I don't even care to figure out the percentages because these are just feelings, illusory and ephemeral. Logically, I should be able to just wave them away with a fluttering of my hand, and get on with life.
Got to bed at 1:40am. Will try again tonight.
Got to bed at 1:40am. Will try again tonight.
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