remember

He is a great God beyond my comprehension to be able and willing to bear my angry outbursts and still want a relationship with me. Sometimes I wonder.

what i'll like to improve upon

Well, many things, obviously. But the single most urgent item is belonging to a community of like-minded mothers. The stark difference between today and yesterday showed me just how necessary this is.

These few days at Shanghai Jiao Tong University has been pretty bad. If I had thought that Zhejiang University's math dept isn't very child-friendly, the school atmosphere here is even worse. Apparently the mathematicians here work until midnight or so and most of the ones with wives and kids don't really see them much. In fact, their families tend to live elsewhere. Like Hong Kong or the U.S. Yesterday, I was basically alone with my child for 12+ hours and no break. And by alone, I mean nobody else to talk or interact with except my child, save the random people on campus or hotel staff that gave me annoyed looks for having a child with me.

It made me wonder if I could really handle having another kid, if I have to do it all alone by myself here.

Today, I went to the other side of the lake I visited yesterday, and I stumbled upon a plethora of other moms (not just grandparents!) with their children. They were running around, chasing birds, snacking together picnic-style. It was awesome. My son naturally attracted a lot of attention, since he looks so obviously mixed. But this time my conversations with the moms didn't automatically fall into the critiquing me for still nursing him, not dressing him warm enough in 70 degree weather, etc. Two of the moms actually cited along with me the stats I read on WHO's site for why I care for my son the way I do. It was so refreshing. And then I saw that we were fairly close to the east entrance/exit of the school, and the city itself looks a lot different than things in general on campus.

So, even though my time on campus has been pretty much crap, I think I would like being in Shanghai, the city itself, a lot better. I actually found like-minded moms here. And even if I could only hang out with just my son all over again for the rest of today, I feel recharged and sane enough again to be content about that. I think my extrovert side is starting to revive itself one year after my son's birth. There is a group of expat moms in Hangzhou that I recently emailed with, and we're scheduled to meet after I return from Shanghai. I really really hope that this could be a mothers' group I could belong to.

a momentary ennui

Some days, I do a better job of being patient and thankful for my current life. Today is kind of not one of those days... I passed by a classroom of about 50 students this morning while backpacking my son back to the hotel at Shanghai Jiao Tong University. There was an instructor scrawling all over the multi-paneled blackboards at the front of the room. That used to be me... and I really miss engaging in the world of ideas. Seeing that spark of excitement and intrigue in my students' eyes. I never fully appreciated my freedom and my work before I gave them up for motherhood. I wonder...is this "it" for me?

Where am I going?

a small moment of reflection

I was going to type in detail all that transpired in these few days, but then I remembered that this blog address is posted on my facebook page, which my husband's colleagues have access to. It would be best, I think, not to go into details. Simply because some people appreciate more privacy. I wasn't going to write anything bad, per se. I'm just more and more aware of all the politics and power struggles that can occur within a tight-knit work community.

What's left is a jumble of thoughts about wealth and the distribution of, consideration and to whom and how it's paid. It's truly humbling for me to be involved, albeit very marginally, in such situations so that I could essentially be a fly on the wall.

The Chinese civil service worker who walked me home one night, who said a couple of times that she thought my life was wonderful. She might actually have a point. Not how good I have it, materially speaking (faaaaaaar from it), but how much I'm learning about life and people and society and the human heart. It's tiring, but very, very interesting.

And I was so thankful that my son sat in the high chair of the fancy banquet room and fed himself all the pieces of food that I would periodically place in front of him as I actually had a formal, adult meal of my own with all the other adults. For more than an hour. Thank you, thank you, my child.

back in hangzhou (for three days)

This second trip to Beijing has changed my perspective towards this city, and for the better. Perhaps it's because I've met some really interesting people and was actually conversed with as a fellow adult with potentially interesting thoughts in return (!). Perhaps it's because I "get" the city's layout and what it might have to offer a lot better. Perhaps it's because our accommodations this time was ten times better than the last time. Perhaps it's because autumn in Beijing makes everything about it prettier. I spent quite a lot of time playing with my son by Weiming Lake on the campus of Beijing University after we walked my husband each morning to the international math research center.

We also went to Ten Year Cafe every night for dinner. It's a small Western-style coffee shop kitty-corner from the hotel we stayed at last time. It slightly amused me that I was able to direct a bunch of the foreign mathematicians to it after they wondered out loud about any place they can eat outside of the hotel. Apparently the translation at the hotel restaurant was not so good; one of the dishes listed on the menu was "fried human skin." I asked the mathematician that had shared this anecdote whether he ended up ordering it. His whole body recoiled quite dramatically as he exclaimed, "No! Of course not!" Judging from his appearance, I suspected he was Muslim and eats Halal (not that normal people would eat human skin...of course). It turns out he's Pakistini and, yes, follows the Islamic dietary laws. So I guess my query would have been especially shocking to him. My reasoning was that, since it couldn't possible be human skin, really, I personally would have ordered it just to find out what it actually was. According to my husband, this is a line of reasoning that makes a lot of people think I'm weird.

All the employees at the little cafe remembered my son, and marveled at his development since they last saw him two months ago. When we left last night, our last dinner there probably until next semester, I actually felt a little sad. We made sure the employees that played with our son the most exchanged good-byes with him.

So, three days and one (hopefully...not much time to notify people) birthday celebration later, we'll head to Shanghai. I hope I'd like Shanghai as much as I've come to like Beijing.

Right before I took this picture, the people in the background showed up and loudly proclaimed I was being negligent in letting my son play by himself on the grass like that.

I decided I much prefer this patch of grass for him to frolic upon. His dad was giving a talk in the nearby building.

can fights really be productive?

Currently in Beijing (again). But in a much, much nicer hotel room than the last time we're here. Chances of my son getting bitten in his sleep by bed bugs decreases dramatically.

The weather here is much colder than Hangzhou. I like it a lot. The air is crisper, and thus feels cleaner. We just have to make sure our son dresses appropriately. Kind of hard to do when he seems to hate wearing clothes. My husband and I got in a ridiculous (and ridiculously long) fight due to a misunderstanding involving our son's sock. It all started with a local mom's surprised exclamation to her daughter as they walked past me that his left foot was bare. I found out in about three seconds that he had yanked it off as I was wearing him on my back, hurrying to get some lunch. His father found out in 45 minutes, after I finally got a hold of that madman who just took off running back towards the direction of where we've been walking from, hell-bent on finding that sock somewhere along the route and not heeding my calls, literal and then by phone.

The ridiculously long fight ended up making me think long and hard about the next three/four years, and we as a family (I think) have come to a new understanding. It'll take a lot of work, a lot of possible failure, a lot of sacrifice on our (as parents, as adults) part, but I finally sense a rightness to this plan, and a peace upon the basic structure of it which wasn't there before.

So we'll see how it pans out. I've recorded the family plan elsewhere, and it'll be...interesting...to match it up (or not) with reality three/four years from now.

Whatever happens, I hope our son will always be fundamentally joyful and glad to be alive. Like this.

"motherhood" circa 1911

Came upon this picture while surfing just now. Something that I wouldn't look twice at even while I was pregnant now captivated me, just for a moment, as I admired the woman's serenity. I also appreciated the description Malcolm C. Salaman (whoever he is) said at the bottom.

After I had given birth to my son almost a year ago (he'll turn one on 13 November), I had sworn that I would never ever give birth again. I would adopt all subsequent children. Labor, appropriately named, was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The subsequent bleeding and all sorts of gory details also didn't appeal. I had wondered why, just why, would anybody have multiple children. Oh, you'll get over it, all my older women friends who do in fact have more than one kid said knowingly, as they cradled and cooed at my son and I was grateful for the rest. You'll want to have another one again someday, they say. Not likely, I'd thought, and made great, great effort to write down all the painful details of my labor.

And, yes, I am still concerned... About possibly undergoing antepartum depression again. About all the fears I had while carrying my son, and now with the added factors of China's horrendous air quality and food safety issues.

But I strangely feel drawn to have a sibling for my son / a new member of our small family. I already have two names -- one for a girl, one for a boy -- picked out, in both English and Chinese. Pretty crazy, huh? It really is, because I loved my freedom. Motherhood has shown how selfish and self-involved I used to and still long to be a lot of times. Like tonight, after spending the entirety of the day taking care of my son at home, just him and me, making dinner, and doing laundry and dishes after putting him to bed all by myself while my husband lived the professorial life that I once led, I was sad that I couldn't attend an expat event that I probably could have gone to if I was willing to leave all the dirty dishes undone until tomorrow.

Maybe if I have a better support system (instead of me being all alone taking care of the newborn/baby/toddler while my husband continues to work) next time, things would be easier?

This mystery will unravel in due time.