So these couple of days have been pretty tumultuous for me, psychological/mentally. I guess that's what happens when one struggles with the metaphysics of reality. At a bit of a logical impasse, thinking so much and hard that my reasoning was undergoing that phenomenon of when one stares at a word for too long that the word disintegrates into weird squiggles, I posed a query on FB. It does more good for me to sift through the reasoning of others when I know how consistently it fits with how they really live their lives.
Here are a few new thoughts that've surfaced which I don't want to forget:
1. I used to nod in agreement at the account of Peter replying Jesus after the latter asked if Peter was going to turn away from him too, as the first large batch of hangers-on took off upon Jesus' first difficult-to-swallow preaching (according to the New Testament). Peter replied, "Where else are we to go?" Basically saying there is nothing else worth living for or gives hope in life other than Jesus (or religion, for people who I feel are more ensconced in church culture than actual worship of Jesus as their messiah). Actually, once I'm willing to risk being egregiously and nauseatingly rude to a Creator that I doubt exists, I can think of a lot of things outside of religion that make life worth living. Things like the joy of self-awareness, of knowing one is alive which no other animal seems to be able to appreciate. Things like art, music, and the ability to be amazed by different cultures and caring for other people. If the truth is that we are all just super-evolved animals who have achieved abstract thought as the advantage we have over all other species right now, and after we die, there truly is nothing but decay and from dust to dust -- I am really quite all right with that. Better a short life lived in clarity and truth and acceptance--perhaps deeper cherished appreciation due to its fleeting nature--of such mortality than a...still short life lived with the illusion/false promise of something more--at best, and worse, choices made based on that imagination which called for unnecessary sacrifices.
The question, of course, remains: which is real?
2. I used to discount emotions and personal experiences as potential evidence for the existence (or lack thereof) of a good God. I want to follow God because he actually exists, not because it "makes me feel better"... and yet, I'm starting to see how any claims to historical record seem complete contestable. If the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has taught me nothing else, it has shown me how vehemently people argue over history that happened a mere 60 or 70 years ago (if not closer to present-day) with wildly different accounts. How could anyone then say that things that had happened 2000 years ago were somehow more accurately relayed? This is not to say that history is unimportant--it absolutely is our best hope at arriving at objective truth. But even the accounting and remembrance/retelling of history is easily distorted, so after all is said and done, emotions and personal experiences could be just as important, as clues to the truth.
3. There's very little point in bashing/looking down on anybody's basis for faith or interpretations of emotions and personal experiences for why they do or don't believe. A lot of my friends who bothered to reply my FB query mostly provided evidence in the categories of (a) personal life history, (b) fulfillment of prophecies, (c) how nature works, (d) the accuracy of the Bible. The implication of thought #2 is that, for whatever reasons, some of us are more "blessed" with the right data/life circumstance or line of thinking towards the objective truth. In that case, it's more luck than a will of critical thinking or intellectual prowess. Therefore, there might be worth in sharing your personal data/logic but there's very little point in banging people over the head with it since that betrays a belief that somehow the other person just doesn't get the right answer like you have. Because you're so much smarter/purer at heart/more homey with God, right?
4. At the same time, it *is* important to settle this question of whether God exists or not in order to live accordingly because (a) if God doesn't exist, but I keep talking with him, waiting for him to respond, and make life decisions based on what I think he thinks--what a waste of my time and life! and (b) if God does exist, but I go on my merry way day-to-day with no acknowledgment or appreciation of him, it doesn't matter how good I try to live my life, in the end I remain an ungrateful beast who thinks less of my maker than dirt. So there's that...
5. At this point in my wrestling, I am of the mind that God might/most likely exist (because of the wonderful, amazing, beautiful way nature works). In which case, I need to figure out my relationship to him. But something I've noticed in these few days of my not praying during a momentary crisis but bucking down and relying on the resources already at my disposal is a sense of freedom. I was less frustrated because I wasn't praying and waiting for rescue or an answer that's less obvious than to my liking. It was a bit scary to feel like everything's on me and whatever happens depends on what I make of it, but it's empowering too and made me do things (like taking the kids on a long, convoluted trip to the harbor, or sucking out thick mucous from a very unhappy/fighting mad Petra's sinus without flinching) that I normally just prayed hard about and then delegated for Daniel to handle. Daniel pointed out that maybe this shows that, despite my heretical mindset, my current modus operandi is actually a lot closer to the truth of how God (if he exists) wants me to live my life. And I wonder if more Christians would be less apathetic/complacent about the injustices and suffering in the world if they "trust" God a little less. I've also stopped fantasizing about killing myself, because it's very possible that this life is the only existence I've got. Chances are God (if he exists) would not be displeased by this, my new desire to keep living.
Clearly thought #5 needs a lot more reflection and further development. This is just where I am now, right now.
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