o failure, i know thee too well

Wow. Today's work day kicked. my. ass. Instead of the usual morning workout with Daniel, I stayed home to write a three-act play in Chinese for my students. The play is based on ideas they had hashed out themselves, so I can thankfully not take credit for the crazy plot line. Somehow I tied all the quirky and odd details into one coherent story. This marks the first time I write a story entirely in pinyin.

So after about two to three hours of this, I was actually pretty excited to introduce and rehearse this play with my students. I even planned extra lesson materials in case we run out of work to do. Talk about unrealistically optimistic. In retrospect, I should have included English translation and very limited copies for them to have themselves. Nobody except two students consistently paid attention to me in class. It was awful. I have zero disciplinary skills. I only know how to teach. And that begs the question: If a teacher cannot discipline a class room full of students, could s/he still be considered a good teacher? I guess that depends on one's expectation of a teacher. Daniel said a GREAT teacher would be able to discipline as well as teach. Well, that settles it. I am definitely not a GREAT teacher.

And that really, really kind of tears me up a little. I don't want to dedicate to my life's work to something I'm not GREAT at. If teaching's not something I'm GREAT at, why not do something else? Then the sad truth descends upon me. Maybe I'm not GREAT or even good at anything at all.

That's why it's so hard to put this rough day behind me. Because it's quite possible that a facade of my self-image has been ripped apart, and I am glimpsing a piece of the ugly truth behind... that I am a mediocre person at best.

What am I basing my life and worth upon?

It must be great to be someone who's good at basically anything. Several people I know comes to mind, in that that's how they think of / believe about themselves. That confidence... I don't know if it's ill-founded, but it's something I never have. Would that make a difference?

Back to work...revamping the ol' play and adding more student-friendly translations and templates.