abba, help me remember

In mid-prayer, I felt compelled to type out and record my feeling here. For one thing, it lays out my weakness that much more apparently for me to see and confess. For another, I suspect this is something that is not so easily resolved, and it helps to have a reminder of where I first started so as not to feel like I'm constantly circling the drain at the same place.

Dear Father God,

Please forgive me and protect me from my struggle with judgmentality. It is stemmed from anger; it is stemmed from helplessness. It is stemmed from an awareness of my weakness for all things comfortable and "safe" for myself and my family. The more time I spend here and hear the voices of the people here, the more I feel the distance from reality and life in the United States. I read the news and the blogs of ordinary people there, often with some disorientation. Huh, I think, this is what they take joy in. Weird, I think, that that's considered inconvenient or difficult. I read facebook newsfeeds of people recounting their dinners, full of organic and pasture-raised options, and I feel envy, followed by scorn that a handful of people (in comparison with the rest of the world) can live in such luxury and freedom and not even realize or fully appreciate it. To appreciate it so much that the rest of the world's suffering is a ghastly wound to be dealt with immediately as a terrible affront to all that is Yours.

And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm torn between covetousness and self-righteousness. It makes me truly abominable. I wish I can take a knife to this filthy layer of my heart. Burn it, or chuck it in the trash to rot away. I am helpless even against myself, and my sinful, stupid pride that always wants to elevate myself above other people. Makes me want to pat myself on the back for my so-called sacrifices now. Makes me want to feel superior to other people enjoying their lives. What is wrong with me?! That the things I don't want to do, I do. And they are so evil, that I lose any right to rail against any other evil out there, without first confessing my own ugliness.

I really miss home, except it's no home that currently exists on earth. I long for a time when none of us have to struggle like this anymore, and no one will know loneliness, or poison in our food, or corruption, or children dying before their parents. In the meantime, abba, help me to address these things not with judgment at other people who I feel to be outside of the fray--because they're not, because you have a story to write with every single person you have brought into this world. Help me to be a help more than a hindrance. Help me to keep my eye on Jesus and all that you have made possible through your Sacrifice. Including fixing my sick heart, my stumbling soul.

There is nothing more for me to say. Except that I know how much I need you. Like water, like air. Clean water, pure air. It's so embarrassing to see how sinful I am. Thank you for your unconditional love.

By the power of Jesus' name, amen.

-Your daughter.