I'm glad I verbalized my doubt and frustration to my husband and God, and recorded them in my last post here. Because this is one of those times when I will look back during times of silences and so-called "dark nights of the soul" to know, even if I don't feel, God is with me.
A matter of hours after my direct questioning, I was searching online about midwifery in China and Taiwan since it's very likely that my next child (God willing) would be born in Asia. Did you know that c-section rates in some Chinese hospitals are up to 100%? That. Is. Insane. Fortunately, the specter of all this bleak information was dispelled--at least momentarily--by my discovering an extensive parent network in Taiwan that seems to be more "my people" regarding how children should be born and raised. That got my husband and me talking about precisely why we chose the China position over the other offers he received. The fact of the matter is taking a position in Asia really opens up the best and quickest access to Taiwan later on, and hopefully I won't be as alone as I feel myself to be right now. Surely there are others in a city of six million who are similar to me.
And now, just now, as I was in the kitchen peeling and mincing garlic for the dinner I plan to make tonight, my husband's practicing Chinese in the dining room behind me. Even if nothing else gets accomplished in China, his becoming fluent in Mandarin would be a huge goal achieved--for him, for our kids, for our family, for future places we might go.
So many things in life -- the way we eat, spend our days, spend our money, interact with people and our kids -- are determined by competing forces, and which one(s) win out in the moment. How I would like things to be right now versus in the long run. Right now, it makes sense to stay in the States or go off on a pleasure jaunt to Europe or the Middle East for interesting experiences. If we had chosen these, I'm sure God would use where we would have been for good, too. But since I really would like us to be in Asia and be a part of a sorely needed social movement there, the choice we made is the best versus just the pretty good.
I spent some more time reflecting on why we gave our son the Chinese name that he has. It's the Chinese translation of the Hebrew "yireh" after "Yahweh-yireh". Not to be overly dramatic, but when I focus on all the pollution and lack of food and toy safety China's known for, I feel like Abraham tying up Isaac for the slaughter. In that light, how much more appropriate is our son's name.
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