thoughts that currently keep me up too late

The apartment is in disarray, as the husband's and my belongings migrate into boxes. The furniture that once contained them are being slowly auctioned off to friends, neighbors, or for storage consideration. I have a faint flashback to the days leading up to my leaving the U.S. after college graduation, when I ended my health insurance coverage and prepared myself for the possibility of never coming back to this country again. Because of a long-time boyfriend who had been open to the idea of going abroad (but eventually wanted to stay in the States), I returned just as I was finally making a life of my own. I wonder how things will play out this time.

So I went to bed too late, even by half an hour. And my son has taken to pooping at six a.m. these past few days, which means I must get up then. I need to do better about this.

I also need to practice at having a more grateful heart, instead of envying another friend who recently moved to Lancaster, PA and its bounty of CSAs and ethically-grown local produce and animals. Wistfully remembering Temple U.'s job offer to the husband for six times the salary he plans to receive in China. I just finished reading Sandra Steingraber's Raising Elijah: Protecting Our Children in an Age of Environmental Crisis, you see. This science writer's Having Faith: An Ecologist's Journey to Motherhood about her pregnancy with her daughter had been a real support and guide during my own pregnancy with my son. It was what clinched the case for me to have a completely natural birth, to avoid exposure to pollution and chemicals as much as possible. that avoidance was worth the trouble. Now, her most recent book opens my eyes to the poorly-regulated chemical practices all around us and how they impact our children--the demographic most vulnerable to toxins of every kind. But I am moving soon to the country that is currently No.1 in the amount of CO2 being dumped into the atmosphere. Just an example of how the land is being misused.

The fact that we're moving specifically to a city known for its environmental beauty doesn't abate my concerns much. It's the best case scenario, certainly, but any beginner in studying ecology and natural resources can tell you that the natural world is interconnected. Pollutants know no boundaries. What are we to do?

I will keep packing for now, and get good rest when I can. (I feel tired all the time...anemia again?) Another friend recently gifted me with a book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts in which Voskamp seems to suffer bouts of depression as I do and practices eucharisteo (thanksgiving) by making a list of a thousand things in everyday life that she considers gift from God. Perhaps I will do the same.

the gathering flurry of an exit to be made

The plan is, tomorrow morning, we clear out a big chunk of our apartment fixture. The coffee table, the bookshelves, the glider and ottoman. Going to three family friends. Our air conditioner is already gone. That leaves the big couch and single bed and various books and kitchenwares to give away. At first I thought about selling these things, but my husband and I both decided that it is far better to gift them to friends who need these items anyway. This will help us to remember old friends even better, since each item creates a memory of our relationship rather than just cold hard cash.

I'm looking forward to more and more space in the apartment. Good for my son to practice crawling about. During his nap-time today, I finally picked up the Lonely Planet tour book that my husband bought regarding China, and read up on Zhejiang and Hangzhou specifically. It strikes me that I'm returning to the province my grandparents had evacuated from during the civil war. I will be seeing, for the first time, my supposed homeland that I've never been. I looked for, and found, the town that my great (to the nth)-grandparents came from, and enjoyed a moment of amusement at the serendipity of one of their descendants returning to the province, except to its capital.

It made me a little more excited about leaving what is comfortable and seemingly safer.

mundane snapshot of life with baby

I woke up soaked in the midsection around 4am. Slightly confused, I realized that my son had wormed his way in between my left arm and side. And he had peed all over the bedsheet, and on me. Guess I put on his bumGenius all-in-one a little too loosely on one side. Live and learn.

So now I'm waiting until the apartment's rule of the laundry facility allows me to wash the sheets after 8a.m. While I will miss Pittsburgh's public libraries, the zoo, the park, the internet, I am looking forward to having a free washer in the faculty apartment we plan to rent in China. This is the extent of how much more convenient life would be, that I am soothed by such a seemingly uneven trade-off.

Fortunately, the quarters for the washing and drying cycle will not be wasted, as there are also a lot of other dirty clothes waiting for attention. My little family had been driving and walking around the American midwest, you see...visiting my husband's relatives, seeing his sister graduate, reminiscing of old days for my husband. My son learned to sit properly and started to crawl while we were from Pittsburgh. Sometimes I'm so surprised that this little creature who would not allow me to stop holding him for the first three months of his life is now able to get from one place to another all on his own, albeit drunkenly and with the most hilarious ungracefulness. He giggles all the time now. It's great.

It makes me wonder if I would change my mind about never having another kid again. Or at least, having one more naturally before I adopt. After much (useless) speculation (useless since even if my answer has changed, it won't be for the first three years of my son's life anyway), I have decided to enjoy my son's babyhood for now, stop trying to remember all the ghastly details so as to stay my course, and leave the decision to a later conversation with God.

rights vs. privileges

Just found out that China blocks blogger, facebook, youtube, and all Taiwanese news sites.

I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. I knew the government is pretty big on censorship, but I thought I've made my peace with not getting to have full access to certain books I want to read.

This makes the easy ability for people in the United States to stay informed and make educated decisions on how the government here should govern all the more incredible. Incredible in how little most people care. How quickly our attention is diverted to frothy entertainment.

I consider it a right to have public access to information, freedom to communicate via social network forums, and choice to decide how I want to navigate all these resources. This is the first time censorship made such a visceral impact on me. An actual wave of nausea swept over me, in facing this very real restriction, this choking off of information and means of contact, within the next three months.

My husband asked me if I'm sorry we decided to move to China now. For a few minutes, I was. I've already accepted the troubles it might bring to how we live out our faith, how we raise our son, how we forfeit the much greater earning power he would have if we remain in the States. Now to add to everything else, I wonder how I would be able to keep on top of my academic interests -- when I want to do my PhD in the very area over which the government clearly wants control. It's going to be a lot more complicated than I had imagined, and I bet JSTOR and other databases will be equally banned. (Maybe? I hope not...we'll see.)

After the few minutes, ok, hours, I decided: Bring it. I am not sorry we're going to have deal with yet another thing I hold so dear. Because, as our moving day crawls gradually closer, I am seeing how more and more, a lot of the things I have taken for granted as rights here in the States can be laughably (because it's absurd! Of *course* everyone should be able to practice their religion or read anything freely!) considered a privilege elsewhere. It's valuable to gain that perspective, and to start becoming familiar with the viewpoints and realities of people from countries like Iran, Saudi Arabia, China. People from countries known for idea-restricting governments.

If all the things I've been used to and have considered to be valuable rights -- if I am called to give up these things or for these things to be harder to attain, so that I can better learn and care for what is true and good in the world, then okay. Bring it.

a flurry of special circumstances

For the past three weeks, I have had my meals cooked by another, dishes washed not by my hands, and trash taken out as if by magic. I have even had some time to myself, to read, to use the restroom leisurely, to rest my arms and not spend every minute of every daylight time holding and entertaining the baby.

Because my mother had been visiting her grandson, her daughter, and her son-in-law for the last three weeks.

And I really, really, really appreciated all of her help and tireless cooking and co-caring for the baby. I feel really spoiled now. How can I go back to being all by myself again, all day, thinking of things to do with the baby, while trying to keep the house clean and meals cooked to boot?

It is really more daunting than it sounds. Nevertheless, I am thankful to rely on God in a whole new way. I will go back to caring for my son all by myself for most of the day again, because I must, and--as much as sometimes the thought still paralyzes me with fatigue-laden fear--I can. For He has given me a spirit not of fear, but of power through Christ.

I've been going through the Bible quite extensively, you see. My brother also paid a one-day (matter of hours, really) visit over the last weekend, and gifted me with a nook(!) Which allows free downloads of certain books(!) like the Bible. And it's so, so portable to read, knowing I have several books at my disposal, all on the palm of my hand, while I sit next to my son, whose napping never guarantees that he can be left alone with the propensity to scratch his eczema-inflicted cheeks to bloodiness, even in his sleep.

And in my extensive reading of the Bible, I am surprised by how often suffering is mentioned as a natural course of the Christian life. A beneficial, natural course, in fact. Maybe more on this later.

In the meantime, my husband has finally turned in his thesis. This might mean that he'll have more time to spend with the baby and me before he starts his new job. Lots of traveling and uncommon schedules before then. Starting with today's baby shower thrown by my husband's extended family. I have a lot to be thankful for, mainly about their kindness and desire to show love for my son. The latter held up relatively well under such (over)stimulation, with one or two crying jags that I was able to calm him down from. Whew. Clean-up and packing for Michigan tomorrow.

"some will seek forgiveness, others escape" by underoath

It's a rather awkward title. That's what I said when the Joyful Noise pitch passed around D.D.'s a cappella arrangement of this song. We sight-read through it, the JN alums and the current members, and a lot of us laughed at the end. At such a somber choice for the first song during our jam session.

A part of me had a hard time moving past this first song, though. After I came home from the craziness that was Carnival, I looked it up on YouTube....and discovered that I liked D.D.'s arrangement a lot better than the original song itself. There is a quiet moment of truth in the midst of this ultra-emo song (with its mostly melodramatic lyrics and screaming at the end that I found incongruous with the words the singer's screaming out). This quiet moment of truth that brought flashes of images to my mind, while we were singing D.D.'s version of this song together in UC Room 303. Images of me yelling at my husband, of me crumpling up photos, of me writing angry words, of me wanting to end my life.

These are the words that made me remember them:

Hey unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful, I will teach you
To forgive one another

Hey unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey unloving, I will love you
I will love you

My son was being extra clingy today during naptime, and refused to sleep unless I held him and walked to and fro in the bedroom. So I did, and then as I stood still and rocked him in his sleep, being bored out of my mind, I remembered these words again.

So true, they are so true. They are what God has been doing in my life. To an unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving someone like me, he has taught and is--everyday--teaching me to be stronger, to be more forgiving. By loving me.

And, as Good Friday tomorrow will remind me again, by first showing his love for me through dying for me. For this broken, sad world.

God, truly I love you because you first love me. I know there will be a time (there already has been some) when my son just wants his own way, and throws fits and acts like a real jerk. I look forward to these opportunities to love the way God loves. These opportunities that are very small simulacra of the way he loves me and the world.

whirlwind of activities = all play and no sleep makes boy a whiny crybaby

I won't be writing much because I'm pretty worn out by today.

But my husband successfully defended his thesis. I got to hear from my old English dept boss, and had a very encouraging talk with J.L. I also got caught in the pouring rain, even running as fast as I could while pushing my son in the stroller homeward. He screamed and screamed because he hated having both of the covers up. It made him not able to see me, which apparently scared the living daylight out of him. I knew this was the reason, because every time I stuck my head in between the covers to show my face, he immediately started giggling. What a crazy kid.

We picked up my dad from the airport, and made a transaction with someone on Craigslist--US$75 for some cloth diapers. I thought it was a real bargain until I came home and discovered they weren't FuzziBunz as I assumed, but some unfamiliar Chinese brand. Ah well. As long as they still do their jobs. I really shouldn't have such a bias against Chinese brands, seeing as how I'm moving to China so soon.

My son also screamed blood murder for 20 minutes in the car on the way back from dinner at China Star in McIntyre. No usual daily poo, hardly any feedings longer than five minutes, and only a half hour nap ALL day. Yeah, I would cry too.

Hopefully we'll all recover to a saner schedule tomorrow.