my life doesn't deserve a title

I am physically hurting, emotionally crippled, scared, scornful at myself and others, disappointed, resentful, wistful, and frustrated

And many other things

I had been counting down the days until the Belgium/Paris trip next month, through the thick haze of constant pregnancy nausea and dizziness so intense I haven't even registered the frequent short earthquakes that'd been occurring sporadically for the last three weeks. My class of students clued me in during one session; I thought they were joking.

Now, no more Belgium and the forests there that I love to run through. No more Paris and attending a friend's wedding there. No more trip to Israel later to attend another friend's wedding there either, or do a swim-across-the-Kinneret event with another friend as planned.

Instead bed rest, immobility as much as possible, with continued nausea and dizziness as they bump up my progesterone levels through injections and pills. Waiting and seeing whether the person growing in me will live or be expelled. Others praying for the baby's placenta, which has so far ripped from its anchoring in my reproductive organ by 30-50%, to stay intact, maybe heal. I have to be honest: personally, I would not mind that much if I have a miscarriage. There, I said it. I am that sick of being sick. But I can't even have a normal miscarriage if I can't have a normal pregnancy. Instead, I am offered inane accounts of other people's straightforward miscarriage experiences, or I-feel-ya sympathies comparing their 38+ week difficulties or minor pregnancy issues with my current situation. This is not the Woe-is-me competition, but honestly you have no f*cking idea what I'm going through right now. A few people get it; a friend in Israel who wrote and shared about her own truly difficult pregnancy circumstances, a local mom who didn't ask periodically like everyone else "Are you better yet?", a friend in Utah who reassured me about premie support and dates of viability. They didn't laugh as someone did when I started crying while sharing about the first day of heavy bleeding. Yes, laughed. I feel bad for this future therapist's patients.

Thank God substitutes were found within the week to take over the rest of the term for my three classes. I wish I could have finished things out. I still need to do all the grading and the lesson planning, with the bonus now of needing to write out a report so someone else can deliver my plans in class and get paid my salary. The money is whatever; I just hope the students don't miss me at all (which also means I'm pretty dispensable) or feel cheated out of a decent course (ugh).

Now I need to lie back down.

first ever experience of a taiwan running event

Participated in a running event organized by the Miaoli County Postal Service...The event was located about 14K from my city. This is my first time EVER running in a Taiwan distance event, so super exciting.

Reflections:

1. The air quality in the county is so much better. I plan to visit the area again just for fun.

2. Are running events in Taiwan always so...calm? I started cheering the returning 21K runners when they started appearing, but it seemed like I was the only one and the other runners seemed to find me strange. No acknowledgement whatsoever from the runners I was cheering on either, so I eventually just kept to myself and ran (silently) like everyone else.

3. After the races I'd attended in the US, runners usually received bananas, oranges, and bagels. In Israel, I had gotten dates and Israeli bagel. After today's race, I got meatball soup and rice noodles. Never knew these were good recovery food!

4. Newfound appreciation/respect for the Eighteen Peaks Mountain. Due to prolonged illness and bronchitis, I'd only ran three times (4-6K lengths) in the last two months. My expectation going in today was just to finish. Was pleasantly surprised to find how much Eighteen Peaks Mt. had prepared me for the hills, which seemed like nothing (save one really big one, which ironically was the south end of the Eighteen Peaks Mt).

My result for the 11K: chip time 1hr 8min; age division: 23th/460 (prize money: the equivalent of ~ US$3 or 12 shekels -- I know, I'm RICH); Total placement: 324th/2808. I'm sharing so much of this rather ho-hum data because this is actually one of the few times I have really felt a sense of accomplishment after the race. I had almost forfeited due to various reasons (such as forgetting my sports bra and discovering I'm about six weeks pregnant), so thank you God!

pacing at the starting line

The first class I teach for this semester begins on Thursday. I have a training session to attend tomorrow (Wednesday). Vegetarian lunch provided--yes! Hopefully the training session would help me to finally incorporate the E3 platform in helping my students. Unlike Blackboard, which CMU used when I was teaching there, E3 is not so visually-intuitive but the students seem receptive enough to using it, so why not adopt this resource?

Still trying to figure out this work-family balance, if it is in fact a balance framework I should be striving for. During the winter break that just ended, which was really just solo parenting as I shepherd the kids between Hsinchu, Taipei, and Kaohsiung (lesson learned: the kids are only borderline ready in staying at hostels) while Daniel was at a conference in Italy, I started cramming on parenting skills again by re-reading books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There was a time when I decided to just use my own intuition since our family life was just too crazy with all the international moves, but the amount of bickering between the kids had become intolerable, and surprisingly Siblings Without Rivalry has helped a great deal in giving me some strategies that worked much better than just yelling for everyone to settle down. So now I have five other parenting books that's been standing on my bookshelf for a while and I plan to read (in some cases re-read) them all, probably during the one or half hour I have to myself before my own bedtime. Better than nothing, right?

I also recently acquired a cooking gadget called a Thermomix. Some people here call it "the German maid" because it's produced by a German company and it basically revolutionizes cooking. I'm not using that word lightly; just youtube or google it to get a shallow understanding of how much it dummy-proofs mainly stir-fry/steaming methods of cooking as well as baking preparation. It has a built-in scale and everything. Of course it costs literally more than a brand-new washing machine, but I think it's worth the investment in food safety (more and more of an issue in Taiwan as well) and just more ease of home cooking. I really need the motivation as eating out in Taiwan is still too convenient and habitual.

So, as a new semester begins, this is a little bit of what's been preoccupying me.

playing my chinese card

Not gonna lie, 2016 really sucks from the get-go*. On new year's day, I hurried back to Hsinchu to catch the bus the next day to Taipei to see my grandmother in the hospital. Since then, there's been handling family bickering, witnessing my grandmother die, witnessing my grandfather's diminishment, husband losing our really necessary and expensive stroller after the first visit to the crematorium, trying to track down said stroller by running all over Taipei and requesting surveillance footage from odd personnels, getting the flu and losing my voice for two weeks, hating myself for delaying on fulfilling my grandmother's last request, parenting solo for two weeks as husband goes to New Zealand, having the toilet break down and scrambling for a plumber any plumber, getting plowed down while on a bike with son in the back by a car backing up, dealing with a student who first used all sorts of emotional tactics via email to get me to change his grade and then actually recruiting another professor to plead his case, being notified that the textbook I've ordered and written the complete syllabi and assignment plans for is actually out of stock this term so I need to scramble before everything shuts down next week to order a new textbook and rewrite everything...

So I'm playing my "being Chinese" card and declaring a do-over on this new year. The reason why everything is shut down next week is because this coming Sunday is Chinese new year's eve, and then everyone will be eating/drinking/hanging out with family/watching lots of TV as it rains outside (the winter weather this year, it appears). It will be my family's first Chinese new year visiting my grandparents' place without my grandmother present. I still can't fully believe she's gone.

But I hope this do-over will harken a better new year. Please God please.

*As my readers finish reading this ungrateful diatribe of not-really-that-horrible compared to friends battling cancer or refugees drowning or people getting stabbed and/or killed, I just want to note that I do still see how blessed I am. I'm basically complaining that things are a little harder than the usual pile of fluffy pillows.

on regret

I wrote this elsewhere about a week ago. The feeling has not diminished in the least. I wish there's some way to directly communicate with my grandmother still. No wonder some people get into seances and stuff.

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諷刺的是，本週算是這學期的最後一周。

我去年九月回台那天立刻開始教這學期的第一堂課。一個月後，在拜訪外公外婆時，外婆表達了一個心願: 請我記錄她的生命歷史（從她母親的背景開始）。她是如此渴望，那時當場就開始述說她母親的家庭，直到其他在場的人跟我們說，現在時間不合適，我們要出門了。我告訴外婆，我們以後有更多時間時再繼續。

因為我的新工作和老二還在我大部分全職照顧下，我決定這學期先把重點放在安排調整好我的工作/家庭互動。記載我外婆的人生為這學期結束之後的重要項目之一。

這學期已要畫上句點，只等我提交所有班級的總成績。但最終我的外婆也只有這學期一段時間與我們同在這世。

我爸說遺憾的定義就是永遠無法贖罪的感覺。我非常非常非常的遺憾，自己如此的愚蠢。

It's ironic that this week is the finals week of the fall term. I came back to Taiwan from a three-months-long visit to the US to start teaching immediately that day at the first week of the fall term. A month later, during a visit to my grandparents, my grandmother expressed her desire for me to document her life story (starting with her mother's life history).

She was so eager to begin that she started on her mother's birth circumstances right then and there until the others with us said there's no time right then and I told her we'll pick it up later. With my return to work while Petra is still at home under my mostly full-time care, I decided to focus on balancing my work-life-family responsibilities; I would make chronicling my grandmother's life a priority after this term ends.

This term ends when I submit all the grades by next week. But in the end my grandmother only had this term left to her life on earth.

The definition of regret is never being able to atone for something that could have so easily been otherwise. I regret, so much. It consumes me every time I remember.

on death

Ever since my grandmother died, about a week and a half ago, I feel at a loss.

I started this blog entry wanting to set all the emptiness down on paper, so to speak, in hopes of depositing it here so I can go on my merry way, which is finishing this school while taking care of the kids by myself now that Daniel's off in New Zealand for two weeks while I've cancelled my and the kids' tickets.

But I just realized emptiness is not something that can be conquered with words or anything of substance. Not this kind.

Remorse and regret are also my constant companions. My mom just gave me an Hermes scarf that my brother had given our grandmother, and which our grandmother had treasured, treasured so much she had only worn it ever just once and still kept the box. She had, on the hospital bed, told my mom to return the Hermes scarf in its packaging to my brother if she died so it's not wasted or thrown away. And I thought, why didn't I ever buy anything that special for her?

Would I be less devastated now if I had taken this semester, instead of promising to next semester, to record her life story? Would I be less unwilling to let her go from this world if she had not told me with her literally last remaining coherent words (before she started having trouble breathing and then slipping into a coma) that "you will write my life story when I'm discharged from the hospital"? Would I?

I remember how my dad still cries when he remembers how his dad had requested a trip to visit us in the US and how that never happened before my grandfather died. I never thought I will also come to carry one of these kinds of regrets.

How could I think we had so much more time? Why didn't I realize how old she is and how tenuous life is? It is still inconceivable that she is gone. That one day my last grandfather will too. One never gets used to death. Never. never. It's one of those things that only gets harder to understand.

small burbling

I know, I know, I haven't written in a really long time. The last time was while I was in the US; I've now been back in Taiwan for over a month. I had hit the ground running, literally hopping into a taxi straight from the airport upon landing to the first class I'm teaching for the semester. Did you know that the shuttle from terminal two of the Beijing Airport has to go onto the highway before it routes back to the terminal three part of the airport? Did you know that takes about 40 minutes during the usual traffic congestion in Beijing? I didn't, and so I missed my transfer flight that required me to disembark, change terminals, and check in within 90 minutes. I lost before I even started the race against time. The result was that instead of arriving back in Hsinchu at midnight so I can get ready for the semester with a leisurely couple of hours the next morning, I arrived at the department at precisely five minutes before the bell tolled. At least I made it, right? My level of stress since I missed the earlier flight may have warped the ends of all my telomeres just a little.

So currently I should be prepping for my second class (out of three). I have blocked off every Thursday i.e. my non-teaching day to prepare for all the classes of the following week. Working professionally again with young kids as part of my existential responsibility is psychologically daunting. Previously, there's a sense that if I feel like slacking off a little during allotted work time, I can always make up for it by curtailing some of my expected down time later. Now, my down time consists of the half or full hour after the kids miraculously go to bed for the night. My margin of error for sloth has decreased dramatically.

On that note, I must return to the task at hand. Just feel like I should pop in briefly to prevent this blog from going completely dormant.