I should be....washing the dishes, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning the bathrooms again, taking out the trash, attempt at lectio divinia, even nap.... but I feel like, what's the point?
There is a point, I'm sure, especially when my older child leaves crying to the gan in the morning just so I could be more productive elsewhere. And chores must be done, regardless of circumstances.
It's just that I feel devoid of any energy, and yet cannot sleep restfully. Even in my dreams, I am thinking of different ways I can cease to exist.
I think, when I visit Taiwan in late summertime, I will seriously look into whether my national health insurance covers anti-depressants. After wanting to go drug-free for so long, I'm tired of trying to make it without. I'm clearly not. I guess it's time to think about surrendering and joining the legions of mainly women, and mainly American women, who medicate themselves regularly.
I'm ashamed to discover that I secretly ascribe to the stigma attached to that. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to get off my high horse.
Lots of "I"s in this post. I guess I'm pretty self-centered, which makes depression worse.
In other news, I think I'm going to stay away from local/regional news for a while. Reading about all the badly reported rhetorics against Israel gets me down. It's one thing to read about legitimate criticisms, and they need to be publicized for sure (like what the world is the deal with the Prawer Plan?), but I'm tired to needing to sift between agenda and bias. I'm not a rabid Zionist right-wing nut, and I'm tired of being pushed towards that direction just because I desire a more honest level of discourse. Oh yes, clearly I must be delusional and have a high and mighty sense of myself to perceive the situation being as the above.
In the meantime, there will be two nation-wide bomb raid drills tomorrow to ready the citizenry for escalating violence by the Syrian government because Israel had destroyed long-range missiles that Iran was "smuggling" through Syria to terrorists in Lebanon, even as the Assad regime and the rebel forces continue to slaughter and displace their own people by the thousands for two-plus years. But these are details that anti-Israel "human rights activists" can't be bothered to know. Or care about. Onwards with Israeli aggression!
Just sick of it all.
I've been thinking about it too. But like you, I feel like I should be able to do something and fix it myself and not rely on a pill. Being an expat and newishly married is hard for me, and I don't have two kids on top of it.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up when you are down. You are doing a great job as far as I can tell, and probably aren't giving yourself the credit you deserve.
xoxo